WeirdTheaterKid02
Member
- Jul 1, 2022
- 37
Not sure how to fully articulate this feeling but I'll try my best to
I (f19) am constantly at war within my head. Positivity feels real to me and it feels like something I'm always reaching for yet never actually find. It's always moving the goalpost further and further and every day the battlefield gets darker.
My parents were married for 36 years before divorcing about two years ago now. I've had suicidal thoughts since I was nearly 10 or younger.
Over the past 5 years I have moved 4 different times and I have barely had a single year to settle into a place.
Now Ive been with my boyfriend for about 4 months in Canada because his dad wanted to support him and him only to move us here.
I have CPTSD from my own dad
I got into a kind of huge fight with his dad before we left because that guy has type 2 diabetes trying to tell me to go on a Keto diet with type 1 diabetes. This would obviously kill me painfully so I fought him about this. He ended up saying I was throwing a tantrum for having a panic attack and walking away from the trigger being him.
Now that me and my partner are in Canada he basically ignores me completely and only texts my partner "how is it going" to fill that check in the box or whatever. Every day I'm here I feel more and more suicidal, burdensome, and worthless. I'll have to leave Canada in a month since my visa is expiring meaning I'll be living with my mom until the sponsorship comes through but that process takes over a year.
I feel like this whole world is fighting against my joy and happiness. I had bird feeders out on our patio and got reported by a guy who shoots pidgeons and doves with a Bb gun in our apartment so I was forced to take the feeders out instead of the guy literally pointing a gun out his patio on the 8th floor with a tiny little orange tip.
Why are rage and horrible moral systems rewarded so much when I'm just trying to live a quiet life with peace and happiness.
Living in a city has been nightmarish and leaving my partner to move back in with my mom In Colorado is just me going from one city apartment to a mass produced housing market where the windows literally just face other identical houses. It all makes me want to kill myself.
I'm diagnosed with autism and adhd but I feel like no one gives a flying fuck about my feelings. I get happy growing plants and feeding the birds but after I was forced to take me bird feeders down I went to the beach to give the birds some trail mix and got yelled at by a guy saying there's a sign that I looked for and literally did not find.
Seriously starting to not give a fuck. Everyone says my feelings about this matter but no one gives a fuck if I'm constantly being attacked and shot down for doing things that make me happy.
It's all rigged and I'm just about to end it
I (f19) am constantly at war within my head. Positivity feels real to me and it feels like something I'm always reaching for yet never actually find. It's always moving the goalpost further and further and every day the battlefield gets darker.
My parents were married for 36 years before divorcing about two years ago now. I've had suicidal thoughts since I was nearly 10 or younger.
Over the past 5 years I have moved 4 different times and I have barely had a single year to settle into a place.
Now Ive been with my boyfriend for about 4 months in Canada because his dad wanted to support him and him only to move us here.
I have CPTSD from my own dad
I got into a kind of huge fight with his dad before we left because that guy has type 2 diabetes trying to tell me to go on a Keto diet with type 1 diabetes. This would obviously kill me painfully so I fought him about this. He ended up saying I was throwing a tantrum for having a panic attack and walking away from the trigger being him.
Now that me and my partner are in Canada he basically ignores me completely and only texts my partner "how is it going" to fill that check in the box or whatever. Every day I'm here I feel more and more suicidal, burdensome, and worthless. I'll have to leave Canada in a month since my visa is expiring meaning I'll be living with my mom until the sponsorship comes through but that process takes over a year.
I feel like this whole world is fighting against my joy and happiness. I had bird feeders out on our patio and got reported by a guy who shoots pidgeons and doves with a Bb gun in our apartment so I was forced to take the feeders out instead of the guy literally pointing a gun out his patio on the 8th floor with a tiny little orange tip.
Why are rage and horrible moral systems rewarded so much when I'm just trying to live a quiet life with peace and happiness.
Living in a city has been nightmarish and leaving my partner to move back in with my mom In Colorado is just me going from one city apartment to a mass produced housing market where the windows literally just face other identical houses. It all makes me want to kill myself.
I'm diagnosed with autism and adhd but I feel like no one gives a flying fuck about my feelings. I get happy growing plants and feeding the birds but after I was forced to take me bird feeders down I went to the beach to give the birds some trail mix and got yelled at by a guy saying there's a sign that I looked for and literally did not find.
Seriously starting to not give a fuck. Everyone says my feelings about this matter but no one gives a fuck if I'm constantly being attacked and shot down for doing things that make me happy.
It's all rigged and I'm just about to end it
