Living as foreign matter

[Faustus]

Hello, this is my first post here, despite I joined some year ago, I think (just tried to sign up again and discovered that my username was already taken, so I realized that I was already registered).

Sorry for my bad English in the first place. I'm 25, I live in a small city with less than a thousand inhabitants, in the worst region of one of the worst countries in Europe (Italy).
As you can imagine, living in a similar place means living surrounded by "not so smart" people who can't even spell correctly the word "psychology". Mental pain isn't understood and you can't talk about it, because it's just a waste of time and probably you'll get a dirty label for life. Anyway, that's not the point, because I don't really care about it.

I think I'm a "special" person, I'm smart, I do have interesting thoughts and hobbies, especially I think I have talent in music making. I listen to "weird" music (always in relation with people living here), dress in a "weird" style, and so on.
Living here is an extreme pain because I can't express myself in no way, I never lived in the society because I've always been so much different from other people... In short, I lived alone from birth to nowadays.

This kind of pain led me to severe depression and other mental issues, and I tried unsuccessfully (unfortunately) to CTB two times. I feel in the bottom of the well and also digging deeper. Medications didn't work, and ruined my body cause to extreme weight gain and consequent extreme weight loss after dismission.

I can't work, I really can't, I just have something like 2 hours of energy in the whole day, and I also sleep too much (at least 10 hours). It wouldn't make any difference anyway, because if you're not lucky to get some right connections, you'll get an underpaid work that can't even guarantee to pay rent.

So, what to do? How can a person like me live in a similar place and get enough money to live "decently", hoping to escape one day? Anyone had, or have, a similar life, and can share with me some suggestions? Thank you so much and sorry if I wrote too much...

 

[Manaaja]

I have felt the same. I feel like I'm an outsider.

The lack of energy can be a medical condition, an air problem (for example mold and dust can give you sleep apnea or just otherwise make breathing harder which in turn makes you really tired) or for example asperger or autism. I saw an interview with an asperger woman, she said that every time she is in a stressful situation she gets so tired that she has to spend the next three days sleeping in the bed.

I wish I could offer some advice but I don't have much. I guess a lot of people earn money online these days, youtube, patreon, etc. You could post your music videos on youtube and music on soundcloud and earn extra money. Of course that might not be much. I know some artists that have gotten really rich by posting art and making art videos and doing art commissions and having a patreon (one even literally became a millionaire), but I don't know any musicians who earn their living online.

Don't worry, there's no such thing as writing too much. I have written four page long posts.

 

[timf]

There are things in life that can make us outsiders. Being smart is one of them. Being crippled in a car accident is another. Even a job like being a cop can cause one to have a view of the world that makes them an outsider.

You might find that learning programming might be a way to higher pay. Even if you cannot summon the energy for an eight hour day, you might be able to freelance working for another programmer.

 

[Pluto]

Italy has an incredibly rich history in the arts, which is why much of the modern musical vocabulary remains Italian. Though small towns are unlikely to inspire you. Shifting to a larger city may be necessary in order to find your tribe.