Venting Live-streaming my gorey end?

[PremiseRunner2049]

I have no money for any painless attempts and ngl it is way too cold to think about walking to a train station right now. I am not near any bridges either.
I think I might straight up gore myself with my combat knife and livestream it with the hopes of traumatizing people.
Nobody will want to remember me if I forced that image into their heads. I know how terrible it is but I really hurt yearn to be despised deep down. There's no fucking way I hate myself more than everyone else. I am determined to completely slander my name before I go. I even have a post typed up with all my personal information and gross little tendencies to show everyone who thinks I am a good person, that I am every pathetic weirdo they joke about on the daily. If I can't be that, let me be the bastard who forced a gorey traumatic image in your head. Let me make me, make you spend thousands on therapy just for it not to work.

 

[JOkE2109]

I'll admit I've thought of doing that as well. This is the type of philosophy that people like mass shooters have, they want the infamy. I think it's kind of like dragging other people down with you, and making them feel your pain. I was able to make myself snap out of these thoughts pretty easily though, I was able to convince myself it was totally wrong, which I still believe. Your yearn for infamy or success of it will die with you anyway so there isn't really a point to it. Maybe think about it for a little and really consider if you want to give someone that pain.