Help Live or die.

[Ipassbutter]

I'm asking anyone from the group for some help and guidance.

First a bit of context about me and apologies if it's lengthy.

I'm a 42 year old Canadian white (Jewish) male. I have been suffering with severe depression and suicidal ideation since I was 6. I've been hospitalized multiple times and have been seeing psychiatrists for over ten years.

I am married with two daughters. I worked as a high school teacher for 14 years but in the summer of 2015 I commited voyeurism (not student or school related - sick and corrupt nonetheless). I was charged with mischief, resigned as a teacher and now work in corporate education. From 2015 - 2017 I was in constant crisis having done multiple suicide attempts - mostly hanging and hypothermia, but still going to therapy.

By late 2017 I got back together with my wife, started my career again.

I am now back in crisis. Feelings of self hatred and suicide are peaking. Life is joyless and the future seems hopeless.

I am trying to source sn but shipping to Canada is near impossible.

Here are my questions?
Is there anything I can do to stop this suffering? Like a tangible actual thing to do. I've tried a lot of different therapies (CBT, DBT, group, medications, etc.)

Should I even bother trying? I feel pretty unworthy. I've had a privileged life and commited a terrible crime. I think the world would happier with one less creepy old dude.

If it's not possible to get help, and I've had a good go at this being 42, I need to know a reliable way of getting sn in Canada or an alternative. I'm not able to go through with hanging or any other method.

Thanks in advance for any advice.

 

[Cosmiq]

Whether or not you should bother trying is up to. If there's hesitance on your side, I say then try because the decision to go through with it will still exist. Your decision shouldn't matter if the world will be happier without because you've done a creepy crime, especially if you've already been punished for it and aren't contemplating committing more similar crimes. There's always someone out there to tell you "keep hope alive" and other crap, but it's up to you on whether you'd want to take that path again.

The only thing I think about trying is microdosing mushrooms for depression, it's already a thing in Canada. But with my latest mishaps, it doesn't look like I will.

 

[dusty boots]

Life is joyless and the future seems hopeless.

It's great that you were able to reconcile with your wife. Does your relationship with her bring you any joy? As a similarly aged married man, I know that question could be taken as a joke, but from my own experience when everything else is shit in my life, the connection I have with my wife can make a huge difference to how anchored I feel in life.

How will your daughters be affected if you CTB?

Remember that you aren't your crime, you are you. You are worthy of love, worthy of life if you choose it.

Could the current pandemic be adding to your feelings of hopelessness?

 

[Ipassbutter]

It's great that you were able to reconcile with your wife. Does your relationship with her bring you any joy? As a similarly aged married man, I know that question could be taken as a joke, but from my own experience when everything else is shit in my life, the connection I have with my wife can make a huge difference to how anchored I feel in life.

How will your daughters be affected if you CTB?

Remember that you aren't your crime, you are you. You are worthy of love, worthy of life if you choose it.

Could the current pandemic be adding to your feelings of hopelessness?

Thanks for the message.

Even though my wife and I reconciled I still feel distant from her. We had issues prior to 2015 with my mental health.

I'm now at a point where I don't have anyone to lean on for support - 3ven just to talk about work or normal stresses in life. I never talk to my wife about how I'm feeling - she's made it clear that she isn't my therapist and I respect that.

Yes my kids would miss me and it would be very difficult for them. I'm a good father who's active in their lives. That being said, I feel like I can't be expected to go on just for them.

We wouldnt ask someone suffering and dying from cancer to hold on just to alleviate the suffering of others.
Thanks again for your thoughts