ConfusedHurting2632
Student
- Dec 22, 2021
- 116
I'm currently 22 years old. I don't say this to "flex" or be a "special snowflake" or whatever, but literally no one else is like me, and I feel like an alien on this planet. My whole life, both offline and online, I just can't relate to others no matter how hard I try. At MOST me and someone can relate on a FEW things...but not much beyond that. Like at most I'll be able to relate to 5% of the things they express, but not anything beyond that. And usually it's not even 5%, 5% is being generous, those are the people I relate to the MOST. Usually it's less than 5%. Often even less then 1%, like about 0.00001% or something like that. Meaning that like of the millions of things they express, I'll only relate to like 2 or 3 of their opinions, but no more than that. I see lots of people out there who can relate to each other almost 100%, or at least 50% or so...still significantly more than 5%.
Ever since my earliest vivid memories...which would be kindergarten age 6, though I do remember a FEW small moments before that...from age 6 all the way to this day (22) I've always been mocked for being "different." Usually when I express my true opinions, feelings, or beliefs, both offline and online, people are just sort of like: "Yeah...you're fucking weird bro, get the fuck away from me." Even if offline didn't work since sometimes real life interactions are kind of limited, and the people in your area may be more of a certain kind...you'd THINK I'd fine a place to fit in on the internet, which has several spaces, forums, and apps for all sorts of interests, even really obscure or oddly specific interests...but NOPE. At most I'd be able to relate to 5% of the things they said related to that interest, but no more beyond than that. Even in online spaces that would be considered "for freaks" or "for degenerates" or whatever, I was STILL somehow too weird to fit in with them...
To fit in with people, I just literally "go with the flow" and agree with EVERYTHING they say 100%. Sure that may make me "boring" or "unengaging" or a "yes man" or whatever, but preferably that than "extremely unpleasant weirdo alien dude who shouldn't be anywhere near civilized society."
Literally EVERYTHING, from topics big or small, I just can't relate to people...an example of a small topic "do you prefer chocolate or vanilla," and a big topic "do you think people should have the right to end their own lives, or no" but either way I just can't relate to people. That's just 1 example of a small topic and a big topic, but the thing to take away is not the examples themselves, but that small or big topic I just can't relate to people. Obviously though there are millions, billions of other topics out there, not just those two.
Even on this website...mostly the only thing I have in common with the people on here is the desire to commit suicide, and the fact that we've experienced a lot of pain in our lives...not much beyond that, though. This is still the most relatable overall internet space for me though. Far more relatable than something more "mainstream" like Reddit, the YouTube comments, Instagram, Facebook, Discord, 4chan, Deviantart, etc...the desire to commit suicide and having been in pain are BIG things to relate to, so that's probably why I feel better here, since discussing suicide elsewhere would be frowned upon.
All of this though...another reason to commit suicide for me. Maybe even the MOST important reason. It's not just the fact that I'm too different and feel like an alien trying to fit in and "failing at being human," but also THE WAY people have treated me for being different, and continue to treat me. USUALLY when people say "they like weird people" or "they like different people," they're referring to someone who is "basically normal but who is a little quirky at times." They're certainly not referring to someone who literally fails to be human at every turn, like me. I have literally just been mocked and bullied at every turn, both offline and online. While on an individual level I guess USUALLY no one single person treated me THAT bad on a regular consistent basis, always hearing "you're fucking weird bro, get the fuck away from me" since I was a literal child really got to me over time. Kind of like a death by a million paper cuts. Add onto the fact that I ALWAYS was a more sensitive than average person too from the very beginning, and still am, and I probably suffer from Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) and Bipolar Disorder (BP) and possibly other disorders as well, which certainly don't help me be any less sensitive since my emotions are literally all out of control, and sometimes I feel just a deep sense of nothingness, and in general every little thing bothers me and I have serious destructive anger issues to boot.
Overall though...I'm just hoping I can die one day, either way. Preferably soon...I don't want to wait to die of "natural causes" at like age 60+, and prolong my suffering even more. I've tried some (probably bad methods given my limited situation...don't work, never have worked, no money, live with my parents, too mentally unstable to work, etc) methods but they never ended well...either with some sort of injury or discomfort, or in general they just never worked period. I hope to die as soon as possible. Today, right now preferably. If not, then by the 31st of this month. If not, AT LEAST before I turn 23 (July 20, 2024). I don't care if there is an "afterlife" or whatever, but I just wanna escape this world. MAYBE the afterlife will be a place, a "planet" with "my species" where I don't feel like an alien for once...but even if not, as long as I die that's good enough. Nothingness after death sounds nice too, perhaps the nicest of all since it's so simple. Even if suicide doesn't work, I hope some criminal can stab me to death or shoot me in the head or something. Or who knows? Some natural disaster kills me. Or a car runs me over. Or a heavy tree falls on me. Or I'm bitten by some super venemous animal. I don't care, I just wanna die. Preferably the least pain possible though.
And yeah...that was a long ass post, and I don't really have anything else to add...let's end it off here. Bottom line, I don't get anyone, and no one gets me. I literally do not belong on this planet, and it's not a world I wanna be a part of.
Ever since my earliest vivid memories...which would be kindergarten age 6, though I do remember a FEW small moments before that...from age 6 all the way to this day (22) I've always been mocked for being "different." Usually when I express my true opinions, feelings, or beliefs, both offline and online, people are just sort of like: "Yeah...you're fucking weird bro, get the fuck away from me." Even if offline didn't work since sometimes real life interactions are kind of limited, and the people in your area may be more of a certain kind...you'd THINK I'd fine a place to fit in on the internet, which has several spaces, forums, and apps for all sorts of interests, even really obscure or oddly specific interests...but NOPE. At most I'd be able to relate to 5% of the things they said related to that interest, but no more beyond than that. Even in online spaces that would be considered "for freaks" or "for degenerates" or whatever, I was STILL somehow too weird to fit in with them...
To fit in with people, I just literally "go with the flow" and agree with EVERYTHING they say 100%. Sure that may make me "boring" or "unengaging" or a "yes man" or whatever, but preferably that than "extremely unpleasant weirdo alien dude who shouldn't be anywhere near civilized society."
Literally EVERYTHING, from topics big or small, I just can't relate to people...an example of a small topic "do you prefer chocolate or vanilla," and a big topic "do you think people should have the right to end their own lives, or no" but either way I just can't relate to people. That's just 1 example of a small topic and a big topic, but the thing to take away is not the examples themselves, but that small or big topic I just can't relate to people. Obviously though there are millions, billions of other topics out there, not just those two.
Even on this website...mostly the only thing I have in common with the people on here is the desire to commit suicide, and the fact that we've experienced a lot of pain in our lives...not much beyond that, though. This is still the most relatable overall internet space for me though. Far more relatable than something more "mainstream" like Reddit, the YouTube comments, Instagram, Facebook, Discord, 4chan, Deviantart, etc...the desire to commit suicide and having been in pain are BIG things to relate to, so that's probably why I feel better here, since discussing suicide elsewhere would be frowned upon.
All of this though...another reason to commit suicide for me. Maybe even the MOST important reason. It's not just the fact that I'm too different and feel like an alien trying to fit in and "failing at being human," but also THE WAY people have treated me for being different, and continue to treat me. USUALLY when people say "they like weird people" or "they like different people," they're referring to someone who is "basically normal but who is a little quirky at times." They're certainly not referring to someone who literally fails to be human at every turn, like me. I have literally just been mocked and bullied at every turn, both offline and online. While on an individual level I guess USUALLY no one single person treated me THAT bad on a regular consistent basis, always hearing "you're fucking weird bro, get the fuck away from me" since I was a literal child really got to me over time. Kind of like a death by a million paper cuts. Add onto the fact that I ALWAYS was a more sensitive than average person too from the very beginning, and still am, and I probably suffer from Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) and Bipolar Disorder (BP) and possibly other disorders as well, which certainly don't help me be any less sensitive since my emotions are literally all out of control, and sometimes I feel just a deep sense of nothingness, and in general every little thing bothers me and I have serious destructive anger issues to boot.
Overall though...I'm just hoping I can die one day, either way. Preferably soon...I don't want to wait to die of "natural causes" at like age 60+, and prolong my suffering even more. I've tried some (probably bad methods given my limited situation...don't work, never have worked, no money, live with my parents, too mentally unstable to work, etc) methods but they never ended well...either with some sort of injury or discomfort, or in general they just never worked period. I hope to die as soon as possible. Today, right now preferably. If not, then by the 31st of this month. If not, AT LEAST before I turn 23 (July 20, 2024). I don't care if there is an "afterlife" or whatever, but I just wanna escape this world. MAYBE the afterlife will be a place, a "planet" with "my species" where I don't feel like an alien for once...but even if not, as long as I die that's good enough. Nothingness after death sounds nice too, perhaps the nicest of all since it's so simple. Even if suicide doesn't work, I hope some criminal can stab me to death or shoot me in the head or something. Or who knows? Some natural disaster kills me. Or a car runs me over. Or a heavy tree falls on me. Or I'm bitten by some super venemous animal. I don't care, I just wanna die. Preferably the least pain possible though.
And yeah...that was a long ass post, and I don't really have anything else to add...let's end it off here. Bottom line, I don't get anyone, and no one gets me. I literally do not belong on this planet, and it's not a world I wanna be a part of.
