Help listening to the abuser that doesn’t know/recognize they abused you.

[loslassen]

so, I won't name them or use their proper pronouns bc it's a big big trigger for me, but I wanted to vent about it and hopefully get some feedback, I don't get triggered by other peoples experiences so you can also share your own if you relate to me in any way.

I was abused throughout multiple years and occasions when I was a child and growing up by someone that I still share a home with. this someone also suffered experiences of abuse but by strangers and other people in their life much later after what they did to me.

it seems they have forgotten or denied the fact they abused me, because they're so easy to open up about their abuse experiences with me and this always baffles and conflicts me. I show them empathy and listen, and they have no idea of what my true feelings are. but i could never, ever address it, I don't know how much worse it would be to share a home with them if the topic is revived.

I just, hate it and it pains me. their acts have put me through so much suffering and distrust, exploitation and addiction, fear and insecurity, made me genuinely homophobic, I just recently also deducted that their actions must've caused my bed wetting at 7 years old. so now can I truly ever forgive them, should I? I feel like I act like I have, but deep deep down, I just have come to hate them.

does anyone else go through anything like this?

 

[ayla]

ur not alone, i was abused by my cousins dad (he passed when i was 10?) and just recently read that bed wetting is a sign of abuse. i thought the abuse was just something my twin brother and i endured until i thought about it more.. my cousin also wet the bed. more details of my abuse started to linger in my head and well obviously i cant say theyre 100% a victim but im about 99% sure loll. my cousin used to shame my brother and i for bed wetting like reallllly shame and i used to hate them for it but now i cant help but just feel bad for them because i now know it was projection but it doesnt and will never make it ok, i will never forgive them for treating me the way they did but i do think ive came to accept that its okay to feel some empathy but that doesnt mean everything is forgotten or forgiven. i hope you dont feel like your abuse isnt valid because they seem to have forgotten, youre valid always op!

 

[Forever Sleep]

I grew up with someone I believe was and is a narcissist. My situation wasn't so physically abusive but I can relate on them seeing themselves as the victim. They started off with bullying but moved on to playing the victim and blaming me for all sorts of stuff I hadn't done. It was terrifying ad deeply upsetting at the time. They were the main reason I first had suicidal thoughts.

Luckily, they aren't someone I felt the need to reconcile with, so cutting them out of my life as much as possible was at least feasible.

But honestly- I don't think you can even reason with such people. I guess we all have a version of events going on in our minds but theirs are so warped, yet so vital to their sense of self (as I understand it,) trying to confront them with it is likely very unwise. Do you think this person could be a narcissist? Two very good YouTube channels that discuss it are: 'The Crappy Childhood Fairy' and 'Live Abuse Free'. It's not like I even know for sure the person in my life was but, most of their behaviours were there. Other people think they are too. But, it actually did help me to learn about all this stuff. It made me feel less crazy. Like- why would someone do all that stuff when you hadn't done anything to them?

I expect it will be tricky if you need to have this person in your life. YouTube I've found is a very good resource on things like this though. Trying to process what's happened and how to deal with these sorts of people. Good luck.