This is a vent for my 2025 year and early 2026.
I got cheated on at early 2025, and it made me feel shit.(duh) And along with more of that, college kept piling. and piling. Which, slowly made me more, and more exhausted. I can't say i'm depressed. Because i'm not diagnosed, but I exhibit severe signs. Unable to eat, unable to sleep properly, unable to do small tasks without exhaustion, and unable to just exist without hating myself tbh.
I met a girl, she was amazing. I was out with my friends, I saw her at the mall. Cosplaying Hu Tao, like the extrovert I am. I asked for a picture, and she said I was really pretty (You don't see femboys much in my country.) Thus asking for my instagram, we dated pretty soon after.
It all went so well, it really did. We were communicating, we were talking like best friends. I thought I found a reason to keep existing, a reason to not end it anymore. But on the day I write this, she admitted. She was lithromantic, for those who dont know. Lithromantic is someone who feels affection towards someone else, but loses interest as soon as they show interest back. And so, we broke up. And agreed to be friends, I'm not complaining. I want her to be in my life, no matter what.
But, now... I don't know what to do, I feel lost. I feel trapped, & I feel sick. I don't want to eat, I just want to starve to death. I want to end it.
And this isn't the only reason I want to end it.
It's also that: being AMAB, really hurts in this society. People tell you to man up, people tell you that your emotions arent important. Growing up neglected emotionally. Forced me to grow too fast, and when I was 15, I could comprehend emotions perfectly. Even to the point that I could comfort adults, and seeked to do so. Because, thats how I was taught to be loved. If I was useful there —> I was lovable.
Being fat shamed, being considered weird.
The weird thing is, I know I deserve to not die. So i dont know why I want to right now.
I got cheated on at early 2025, and it made me feel shit.(duh) And along with more of that, college kept piling. and piling. Which, slowly made me more, and more exhausted. I can't say i'm depressed. Because i'm not diagnosed, but I exhibit severe signs. Unable to eat, unable to sleep properly, unable to do small tasks without exhaustion, and unable to just exist without hating myself tbh.
I met a girl, she was amazing. I was out with my friends, I saw her at the mall. Cosplaying Hu Tao, like the extrovert I am. I asked for a picture, and she said I was really pretty (You don't see femboys much in my country.) Thus asking for my instagram, we dated pretty soon after.
It all went so well, it really did. We were communicating, we were talking like best friends. I thought I found a reason to keep existing, a reason to not end it anymore. But on the day I write this, she admitted. She was lithromantic, for those who dont know. Lithromantic is someone who feels affection towards someone else, but loses interest as soon as they show interest back. And so, we broke up. And agreed to be friends, I'm not complaining. I want her to be in my life, no matter what.
But, now... I don't know what to do, I feel lost. I feel trapped, & I feel sick. I don't want to eat, I just want to starve to death. I want to end it.
And this isn't the only reason I want to end it.
It's also that: being AMAB, really hurts in this society. People tell you to man up, people tell you that your emotions arent important. Growing up neglected emotionally. Forced me to grow too fast, and when I was 15, I could comprehend emotions perfectly. Even to the point that I could comfort adults, and seeked to do so. Because, thats how I was taught to be loved. If I was useful there —> I was lovable.
Being fat shamed, being considered weird.
The weird thing is, I know I deserve to not die. So i dont know why I want to right now.
