Venting Life while planning to die

[Lra888]

It's surreal going through the motions of life after making the descision to die. Everything seems pointless and tedious. Waking up, eating, selecting an outfit, laundry, hygiene, cleaning. Don't enjoy a fucking thing. I went out for groceries and thought about how fucked up it is that I must feed my body to make it through the preparation until I finally act. What a bizarre experience all of this is.

Not a single human being is aware of my reality. If anyone knew what I was thinking I would be locked up. Sad really. No one can accept that some of us can no longer tolerate pain, illness, tragedy, poverty, traumatic irreversible negative situations day after day forever.

Right now thousands of people are experiencing this. Motivated and energetic to prepare for the end. Feeling so enthusiastic to finally take control of the awful situation and having the ability to be free. Going to the store to purchase rope. Collecting pills. Waiting for N to arrive in the mail. Setting up bitcoin. Buying heroin. Testing firearms. Researching methods. Writing goodbye notes. Disposing of possessions. Etc.

 

[GeorgeEastman]

Goes to show you how most everybody lives too long.

There's only so much to be experienced in this world. After a few times, it's done. Time to leave. People stay around and do it over and over for nothing. Big waste.

 

[Lra888]

Goes to show you how most everybody lives too long.

There's only so much to be experienced in this world. After a few times, it's done. Time to leave. People stay around and do it over and over for nothing. Big waste.

Many people are trapped in hellish situations and have made the decision to exit. People who view them from a position of contentment can never understand that experience and won't even give them the dignity to communicate their decision without being locked up.

 

[GeorgeEastman]

Those people aren't worth talking to anyway. Most people aren't.

This is the only place I've found to even discuss it at all really. Even my sister who tried to kill herself years ago tells me I shouldn't. Pfffffft, come on.

 

[Mr2005]

I haven't experienced anything it's beside the point. None of it can be enjoyable or at all worth it from this point forward. I know the feeling of it all being pointless. It's only worth putting the effort in if there's something to look forward to. I can't honestly say I 'm looking forward to killing myself I've just fucked my life up to such a degree I don't see much choice. I've pretty much given up living at all which on the one hand means I'm more than ready to go but on the other there's shit to do before I can and I don't have it in me. So I 'm not living and not dying either just wasting the days. I've done enough of that that I 'm a pro at this point. Then when the time comes I have to go out it's hell

 

[Lra888]

I haven't experienced anything it's beside the point. None of it can be enjoyable or at all worth it from this point forward. I know the feeling of it all being pointless. It's only worth putting the effort in if there's something to look forward to. I can't honestly say I 'm looking forward to killing myself I've just fucked my life up to such a degree I don't see much choice. I've pretty much given up living at all which on the one hand means I'm more than ready to go but on the other there's shit to do before I can and I don't have it in me. So I 'm not living and not dying either just wasting the days. I've done enough of that that I 'm a pro at this point. Then when the time comes I have to go out it's hell

I feel that. My life is over pretty much. I can't have a decent life because too much fucked up shit has happened and it's in ruins and I cannot tolerate it. Continuing will only drag me down further and further. Living for me has no positive progress just treading water until I can finally go. Just grateful that I have the ability to arrange things in a satisfactory way and the ability to leave on my own terms.

 

[GeorgeEastman]

The thing about it is, even what people call a decent life would suck even way worse than the weird, oddball ostracized life I've built for myself.

Life sucks enough that I don't like it, yet there's no better option. None of it's worth a damn. That's real hopelessness and why I'll be more than glad to see it coming to an end.

 

[Lra888]

The thing about it is, even what people call a decent life would suck even way worse than the weird, oddball ostracized life I've built for myself.

Life sucks enough that I don't like it, yet there's no better option. None of it's worth a damn. That's real hopelessness and why I'll be more than glad to see it coming to an end.

Yeah. By decent I meant tolerable for myself. I've always been a weird person.

 

[Lra888]

Those people aren't worth talking to anyway. Most people aren't.

This is the only place I've found to even discuss it at all really. Even my sister who tried to kill herself years ago tells me I shouldn't. Pfffffft, come on.

Same here. I've given up trying to communicate my experience with others as it's only brought me problems. Depression runs on my family yet it's not something I can talk about with them.

 

[lv-gras]

It's surreal going through the motions of life after making the descision to die. Everything seems pointless and tedious. Waking up, eating, selecting an outfit, laundry, hygiene, cleaning. Don't enjoy a fucking thing. I went out for groceries and thought about how fucked up it is that I must feed my body to make it through the preparation until I finally act. What a bizarre experience all of this is.

Not a single human being is aware of my reality. If anyone knew what I was thinking I would be locked up. Sad really. No one can accept that some of us can no longer tolerate pain, illness, tragedy, poverty, traumatic irreversible negative situations day after day forever.

Right now thousands of people are experiencing this. Motivated and energetic to prepare for the end. Feeling so enthusiastic to finally take control of the awful situation and having the ability to be free. Going to the store to purchase rope. Collecting pills. Waiting for N to arrive in the mail. Setting up bitcoin. Buying heroin. Testing firearms. Researching methods. Writing goodbye notes. Disposing of possessions. Etc.

yeah it's really surreal going to the pharmacy to get some stuff, knowing what it's for.

 

[ChaosDergon]

It really is quite the surreal experience when you make the decision. And as the time gets closer, you might even feel a bit happy and content. I know thats the way I felt before my past failed attempts. The strangeness of it can make you want to share with others, but you also know they will not understand and try to stop you. So you have to hide it. Though I am not ready for my next attempt, but with some preparation and luck it will be successful this time.

The main thing stopping me right now and forcing me to endure is I recently found out (as I was doing some prep for it to be potentially soon) that the 2 year clause thingy on insurance is in effect. So I will need to wait at least until march otherwise there will be no payout. Bleh. That being said I expect it to feel the same when the time comes, oh so surreal when preparing and having date set. and as it get closer, more relaxed and content. Still trying to decide on method, but have a few months at least.

 

[TheGoodGuy]

There's only so much to be experienced in this world. After a few times, it's done. Time to leave.

This is so incredibly true. I have lived a good life in my childhood and a very interesting life in my teenage years I really have experienced things unlike some people who didn´t have any experiences with love, trying drugs, and all kind of crazy stuff but I have had a very interesting life and after your life peaks (which mine did in my childhood) it can only go down from there and to try and get that same mindset of happiness as I had as a child would be like a heroin addict chasing the dragon and that is essentially what doctors, shrinks, counselors etc. try and push on us by trying to get us a "positive" mindset but it´s really just chasing something that will NEVER come close to what we experienced so long ago.

If anyone knew what I was thinking I would be locked up.

That is why I hate society and laws the citizens of society truly believe they are free but as soon as you make 1 single law freedom seize to exist. And it´s completely bullshit to lock people up for that, that is also why people like you and me and a lot of other people can´t get "help" if we wanted to because we are not stupid we know if we say certain things they will lock us up so we have to keep our mouth shut and deal with the pain alone, fortunately we have a forum like this where we at least can vent out some of our problems instead of keeping them bottled up inside.

 

[Aesthler]

The whole thing is surreal but it also helps me cope with things. Cause I know I won't be dealing with it for much longer. Then there's always what if I fail, etcetera. I'm just exhausted from pretending everything's okay to not raise suspicion and ensure a smooth transition.

 

[Punished snake]

It's surreal going through the motions of life after making the descision to die. Everything seems pointless and tedious. Waking up, eating, selecting an outfit, laundry, hygiene, cleaning. Don't enjoy a fucking thing. I went out for groceries and thought about how fucked up it is that I must feed my body to make it through the preparation until I finally act. What a bizarre experience all of this is.

Not a single human being is aware of my reality. If anyone knew what I was thinking I would be locked up. Sad really. No one can accept that some of us can no longer tolerate pain, illness, tragedy, poverty, traumatic irreversible negative situations day after day forever.

Right now thousands of people are experiencing this. Motivated and energetic to prepare for the end. Feeling so enthusiastic to finally take control of the awful situation and having the ability to be free. Going to the store to purchase rope. Collecting pills. Waiting for N to arrive in the mail. Setting up bitcoin. Buying heroin. Testing firearms. Researching methods. Writing goodbye notes. Disposing of possessions. Etc.

Plan longer, plan better

 

[Lra888]

The whole thing is surreal but it also helps me cope with things. Cause I know I won't be dealing with it for much longer. Then there's always what if I fail, etcetera. I'm just exhausted from pretending everything's okay to not raise suspicion and ensure a smooth transition.

Exactly. Feels good knowing all of this is temporary.

 

[blueming]

I agree, it is extremely surreal. After making the decision to die I also feel some kind of comfort, knowing that even though I still have to go through the meaningless motions of life for a while, it'll be over soon. It's also surreal to watch other people living their own lives, doing mundane things and following this tedious routine every single day again and again.

 

[Gainax]

Its a surreal and morbid experience, its weird to see on how the mind works

i travel many times trough the bridge from which im going to jump when ready to choose the best spot to jump from
i look everyday to the webcam of that bridge just to see how is the traffic at different times of the day because i don't want to cause an inconvenience to other people by using the bridge at peak time
ive also looked at the math, how many seconds will take for my body to fall to the water, how much tons of force will my body be hit with, how many g's my body will experience during the deceleration, also read about coroners reports on how many bones are broken, internal organs ripped apart inside to either die by drowning or massive internal bedding. i think about that final day everyday

meanwhile i take decisions that completely sends me to this path, i could avoided if i really wanted,i could have a somewhat normal life but my mind makes me ruin everything as if on purpose, i destroy any chance of getting a job, ruin family relationships, isolate myself from all people, avoid having friendships, i pretend to be taking antidepressants so that my depression comes back in force and i may feel the anguish and stare to the abyss everyday so that it gives me strength to one day finally ctb and experience that horrible death.

 

[RM5998]

It's surreal going through the motions of life after making the descision to die. Everything seems pointless and tedious. Waking up, eating, selecting an outfit, laundry, hygiene, cleaning. Don't enjoy a fucking thing. I went out for groceries and thought about how fucked up it is that I must feed my body to make it through the preparation until I finally act. What a bizarre experience all of this is.

Not a single human being is aware of my reality. If anyone knew what I was thinking I would be locked up. Sad really. No one can accept that some of us can no longer tolerate pain, illness, tragedy, poverty, traumatic irreversible negative situations day after day forever.

Right now thousands of people are experiencing this. Motivated and energetic to prepare for the end. Feeling so enthusiastic to finally take control of the awful situation and having the ability to be free. Going to the store to purchase rope. Collecting pills. Waiting for N to arrive in the mail. Setting up bitcoin. Buying heroin. Testing firearms. Researching methods. Writing goodbye notes. Disposing of possessions. Etc.

I'm getting a similar surreal feeling now. I had mid-semester papers on this past week (last paper is tomorrow morning) and I can't summon the energy to study. It all seems trivial, especially since I won't live long enough for these results to matter (at least, I hope so). It's almost as if a part of me is already gone (the part that cared about the trivial things), and the rest is about to follow.

 

[Duqu]

I'm getting a similar surreal feeling now. I had mid-semester papers on this past week (last paper is tomorrow morning) and I can't summon the energy to study. It all seems trivial, especially since I won't live long enough for these results to matter (at least, I hope so). It's almost as if a part of me is already gone (the part that cared about the trivial things), and the rest is about to follow.

I managed to get an undergrad degree (BA) and was halfway through an MSW (master's in social work) before I became too disabled to continue school. Now i have like 60k in debt. Ouch. I'm trying to get it waived through total and permanent disability but we shall see.

I spent my whole undergrad super suicidal too (it took me 10. years. ) and I definitely felt that way "if I just got up the cojones and killed myself now, I wouldn't have to catch up on 2 weeks of reading I'm behind on and write these two (long) papers that are due tomorrow..."

I always ended up doing it eventually (though I dropped a LOT of classes) and what do I have? A piece of paper saying I have a BA in sociology that won't do shit for me now because I'm too (physically and mentally) disabled to ever work again.

So yeah, I feel your pain. Though the feeling of accomplishment of finally graduating, and how proud my parents were (well, at least my mom...my dad was upset I didn't get a STEM degree). Anyway.

 

[RM5998]

I spent my whole undergrad super suicidal too (it took me 10. years. ) and I definitely felt that way "if I just got up the cojones and killed myself now, I wouldn't have to catch up on 2 weeks of reading I'm behind on and write these two (long) papers that are due tomorrow..."

This is roughly what I was thinking during my mid-semester papers. At least I'm studying computer science, which is pretty easy. (I learned what context-free grammars were during my mid-semester paper this past Tuesday, and managed to get more than 70% of the paper. It's that easy.)

My parents are fine with me studying whatever field I want, as long as I'm bringing them academic accolades that prove that they are good parents. I don't think I've been able to deal with the fact that I'm bound to be alone. I've had 8 years of knowing that, you'd think that would be enough to process it and move on, but I've never really managed to cope with being alone.

 

[millefeui]

Yeah. I wish there was a way (aside from medicine, which I can't buy where I live) for me to sleep at least 20 hours a day. I just don't have energy and motivation to... Well, do anything other than sleep. A few years back I still had the drive to play games and stuff, but nowadays? I have about five consoles plus PC and I haven't played anything in months. I can't be bothered.

I just hope this will all end for good when I die. The end. No epilogues or sequels.

 

[Foreversad]

It's surreal going through the motions of life after making the descision to die. Everything seems pointless and tedious. Waking up, eating, selecting an outfit, laundry, hygiene, cleaning. Don't enjoy a fucking thing. I went out for groceries and thought about how fucked up it is that I must feed my body to make it through the preparation until I finally act. What a bizarre experience all of this is.

Not a single human being is aware of my reality. If anyone knew what I was thinking I would be locked up. Sad really. No one can accept that some of us can no longer tolerate pain, illness, tragedy, poverty, traumatic irreversible negative situations day after day forever.

Right now thousands of people are experiencing this. Motivated and energetic to prepare for the end. Feeling so enthusiastic to finally take control of the awful situation and having the ability to be free. Going to the store to purchase rope. Collecting pills. Waiting for N to arrive in the mail. Setting up bitcoin. Buying heroin. Testing firearms. Researching methods. Writing goodbye notes. Disposing of possessions. Etc.

Exactly as you describe it .i say to my self 'you have to make it first just another day ,to go'