Venting Life wants me dead..

[_Minsk]

Like its silly, most people would have ctb'ed long time ago and it gets even worse?
Im in my mid 20's and the amount of suffering is a joke, like I can't even have a normal conversation since roughly 8 years now. My entire being is a shallow shell of pretending, how are we even supposed to live like this?
Its like each little piece of joy gets replaced by stress, pain & suffering, i cant even have a functional relationship anymore, i hate that i drag down everyone.

There have been so many crippling events, i wonder how someone would not want to ctb. Lost all interests in my hobbies, literally the only things that gave me a sense of escape and peace for a few hours a day.. theyre all worthless now, no energy,..

Like the only thing that makes me happy is the fact that i still can ctb and am childfree.

Everything i tried, everything just broke, its like life tries to make me do the last steps and bring it on...

The worst part is still that i see my life slowly crashing, i cant do much, its like going against the current. I try so hard its even funny.. i truly think some people really are just ment to experiencing suicide in this world ngl..

 

[avoid_slow_death]

You simply realized the truth. Existence, life, death, suicide, "fighting on", all of it, no point. None. What we do or say or experience all dissolves away with our passing and existence keeps going.

 

[FuneralCry]

Yes, I can relate. Life has always worked against me in every possible way, it can be such a cruel thing. There is only so much we can cope with as humans before we are pushed into despair. We just suffer for the sake of it as this life really has no point. We all just die anyway. I just think it would be better to never be born in the first place.

 

[UseItOrLoseIt]

I relate to everything you said. Not only am I programmed to fail, but I can't find joy even in success. I have no energy, I'm spaced out, drowning in my dark thoughts. Can't even think clearly, let alone concentrate on a conversation. Literally everything you said applies to me...

I try so hard its even funny..

Except this. I don't try anymore. Not consciously anyway. I may distract myself if something captures my attention for a moment, but every road eventually leads back to me. There's no escape.

 

[WornOutLife]

Pretending sucks. It's the only way I've survived throughout all these years.
Unfortunately, 3 years ago I finally exploded and had become a NEET and shut-in.

Now, I'm having a decent life again but I still gotta pretend (you know, I can't tell people something like "Hey, did you know that in spite of living I wanted to get the hell out of this blue rock by ctb?" lol) and every thing you can think of, it's at least 3 times harder for me to do it.

I'm suffering from lots of anxiety and I'm scared of things such as my students not liking my lessons or making any kind of mistakes.

Anyway, hope you can feel better soon, somehow.

Hugs and love,

Matt

 

[ithappens]

I can relate to this. It's like getting backhanded by life no matter what you do lol. If you want I'm open to talking with you about your experiences.

Also, since your signature says you like snails, I figured I'd attach a picture of one of my snails.

 

[demuic]

Yes. It's surreal to me. Every time I even get a glimmer of hope life turns around on me to kick me in the ass as if to make me feel like shit for believing anything else could happen for even a minute.

I'm tired. Tragedy after tragedy and it never ends.

One reason I had to live that brought me happiness is now gone. Another reason for me to forcibly tethered to this agonizing existence popped up in its place not even 24 hrs later. Forced to live, with no enjoyment of anything or capabilities.. it's not life.

 

[insanedoomer]

Nature wants everybody dead , even life is judged by that natural fact XD

 

[Meditation guide]

Like its silly, most people would have ctb'ed long time ago and it gets even worse?
Im in my mid 20's and the amount of suffering is a joke, like I can't even have a normal conversation since roughly 8 years now. My entire being is a shallow shell of pretending, how are we even supposed to live like this?
Its like each little piece of joy gets replaced by stress, pain & suffering, i cant even have a functional relationship anymore, i hate that i drag down everyone.

There have been so many crippling events, i wonder how someone would not want to ctb. Lost all interests in my hobbies, literally the only things that gave me a sense of escape and peace for a few hours a day.. theyre all worthless now, no energy,..

Like the only thing that makes me happy is the fact that i still can ctb and am childfree.

Everything i tried, everything just broke, its like life tries to make me do the last steps and bring it on...

The worst part is still that i see my life slowly crashing, i cant do much, its like going against the current. I try so hard its even funny.. i truly think some people really are just ment to experiencing suicide in this world ngl..

I can relate to all you said. It become totally overwhelming. I'm sorry you are experiencing this harshness. I agree it sucks.