Venting Life, therapy, meds.

[BitterlyAlive]

The past few weeks have been so rough for no reason. I've just been laying in bed literally all day on my days off. It's hard to tell if my body hurts because of depression or the laziness. I generally get up just to eat and use the bathroom. I barely get out of bed for work.

When I'm at my job, I feel like I'm just a huge, gross waste of space. I feel like people are constantly judging me and talking about me behind my back. I find it hard to focus on my job and feel foggy, anxious, and sad. My performance has gotten terrible over the past 12 months - I used to work full time and was good at my job, now I'm still struggling to work part time and just...kind of exist. I just got written up for my excessive call-ins from earlier this year and I feel like they're trying to fire me. My parents are still sending me full-time jobs to apply for and...honestly, I feel like a lazy piece of shit.

I found a good therapist and have been seeing her for a few weeks. I flat out told her I'm just going because I'm expected to, she accepted that and said it's my choice to be active and engage in therapy or not, which is appreciated. She doesn't coddle me or force me to do anything. I'm mainly seeing her for trauma and depression; we just started working on bad memories, and I'm almost certain that soon she'll see I'm a phony and call me out. What I can remember really isn't even bad, and I don't understand why I've been diagnosed with PTSD when I haven't really experienced anything that bad. She's gonna catch on that I'm exaggerating, and then I'll just....have more shame, I guess. She seems worried about the depression though, didn't seem comfortable with me waiting so long to see the psychiatrist. I said it isn't really that urgent and she asked how it could get worse, one of her examples was suicide and I just laughed on the inside.

But since she seemed so wary, and I talked to a friend about it, I decided to go get meds again. The snri is supposed to work very quickly and I'm also taking mirtazapine, as I mentioned in another thread. It's been about a week. I still just feel like laying in bed all day, I don't feel like doing anything and I don't really care enough to do things that I should be doing. I still feel like I'm in despair and a thick fog. I hate the mirtazapine because it doesn't help me sleep and the RLS amplifies my self harm urges. I know better than to cut deep or cut areas like my neck, but it gets so tempting. I guess it's good I'm only motivated to give myself bad scratches, because cleaning and bandaging wounds is just too much.

This thread is sort of pointless, honestly. Just venting again about the same general things.

 

[puppy9]

 

[Deleted member 19654]

It's never pointless if you need to vent or get something off your chest

I'm mainly seeing her for trauma and depression; we just started working on bad memories, and I'm almost certain that soon she'll see I'm a phony and call me out. What I can remember really isn't even bad, and I don't understand why I've been diagnosed with PTSD when I haven't really experienced anything that bad. She's gonna catch on that I'm exaggerating, and then I'll just....have more shame, I guess.

You're not a lazy piece of shit, it's depression that's being a bitch by making us lose motivation to do even the simplest of tasks sometimes.

I can kind of relate. I've never been diagnosed but I think I have some mild PTSD from something that happened as a teenager. With my anxiety getting worse, a few bad memories have resurfaced. But I feel as though they're really not that bad, especially when I compare what happened to me to the horrible shit that other people have been through.

But then again, trauma is still trauma. How it's affected us and how we feel about, it is still valid.

 

[VIBRITANNIA]

could you ask your doctor for something other than mirtazapine, or tell them how it's harming rather than helping?

 

[BitterlyAlive]

It's never pointless if you need to vent or get something off your chest

You're not a lazy piece of shit, it's depression that's being a bitch by making us lose motivation to do even the simplest of tasks sometimes.

I can kind of relate. I've never been diagnosed but I think I have some mild PTSD from something that happened as a teenager. With my anxiety getting worse, a few bad memories have resurfaced. But I feel as though they're really not that bad, especially when I compare what happened to me to the horrible shit that other people have been through.

But then again, trauma is still trauma. How it's affected us and how we feel about, it is still valid.

I saw her again today and....idk how to feel. She said I have "a lot of sad memories" and is interested in doing EMDR, idk what for... But she also said she doesn't want to start it at my "level" of depression. :/

Yeah, trauma is trauma, you're absolutely right. I bet most people have that imposter syndrome...but it just feels so fake.

could you ask your doctor for something other than mirtazapine, or tell them how it's harming rather than helping?

I'm seeing the psychiatrist next week. If the mirtazapine is still giving me issues I'll ask to switch. Just wanna make sure I'm not "giving up" too quickly I guess. :/

 

[Deleted member 19654]

It's hard to take a step back and take a good look at ourselves when we're depressed. It could be that the therapist is seeing something that you're not.

I've done a bit of reading and research on EMDR. It's supposed to be a good form of therapy for PTSD to help recover from traumatic events.