Help Life sucks

[NightTerror]

I just found out that the girl that said she liked me but wasn't ready for a relationship (went on for a year) is now dating someone else...So I was the problem and I wasted years on this and don't know how to be in a relationship because she was the only one. I found this out as I'm sitting in the hospital after a surgery that'll leave me unable to play for a year (my only coping mechanism). I'm getting panic attacks and I just can't take it anymore I wish the anesthesia killed me.
What do I do????

 

[derpyderpins]

Man that's awful.

She has issues to deal with if that's her pattern. You said this has gone on for years, what happened when she said she liked you?

Either way, time to move on. (Way easier said than done.) There's no such thing as the "only one." Think of this as a new beginning for you rather than an end.

 

[NightTerror]

Sorry I'm new I posted this without replying by mistake.

 

[NightTerror]

Man that's awful.

She has issues to deal with if that's her pattern. You said this has gone on for years, what happened when she said she liked you?

Either way, time to move on. (Way easier said than done.) There's no such thing as the "only one." Think of this as a new beginning for you rather than an end.

We were kind of together - we were exclusive but she was very hesitant to call it dating? It was very weird but she was my everything because she was the first and only one (same for her).
Then because she wasn't committing after so much time I said I need to stop talking and it has been 9 months since very low contact. The worst part is I waited for her for years to be comfortable but she moved on very soon and did everything that she didn't do with me with someone else and I'm still pathetically not over her. I don't know how to move on if even no contact isn't working.
And because she was the only one I honestly don't know how to talk to women in a more-than friendly way if that makes sense? I have many friends who are women but no clue how to start dating or whether I even can.

 

[derpyderpins]

We were kind of together - we were exclusive but she was very hesitant to call it dating? It was very weird but she was my everything because she was the first and only one (same for her).
Then because she wasn't committing after so much time I said I need to stop talking and it has been 9 months since very low contact. The worst part is I waited for her for years to be comfortable but she moved on very soon and did everything that she didn't do with me with someone else and I'm still pathetically not over her. I don't know how to move on if even no contact isn't working.
And because she was the only one I honestly don't know how to talk to women in a more-than friendly way if that makes sense? I have many friends who are women but no clue how to start dating or whether I even can.

Yeah sounds like she had some issues. Something about her mindset when she met new guy was different and she jumped in. I'd just wish her best and stop thinking about it.

Moving on takes time. 9 months is a while but not necessarily enough. Dating someone new will help.

You don't have to talk to women in "a more-than friendly way" until you are actually dating. You don't have to be a playboy pickup artist.

You are capable of dating. You start by saying, "hey, [name], I've been wondering: would you like to get a cup of coffee with me sometime?" Or a drink, or dinner, whatever. If she asks if you mean as a date, you say "yeah, I like you and thought it would be fun to try. No pressure."

 

[NightTerror]

Yeah sounds like she had some issues. Something about her mindset when she met new guy was different and she jumped in. I'd just wish her best and stop thinking about it.

Moving on takes time. 9 months is a while but not necessarily enough. Dating someone new will help.

You don't have to talk to women in "a more-than friendly way" until you are actually dating. You don't have to be a playboy pickup artist.

You are capable of dating. You start by saying, "hey, [name], I've been wondering: would you like to get a cup of coffee with me sometime?" Or a drink, or dinner, whatever. If she asks if you mean as a date, you say "yeah, I like you and thought it would be fun to try. No pressure."

I keep thinking I was the problem.
Oh yes I hate the pick-up artist stuff. I just meant that after I strike up a conversation I don't really know how to ask people on dates. I come from a culture where asking so directly is not normal so I don't really have the courage to do that. Plus I'm really really scared of rejection.
Is there another way?
Thanks for your reply!

 

[derpyderpins]

I keep thinking I was the problem.

Doesn't sound like it. It's not necessary that one person be "the problem." Sometimes it just doesn't work.

Oh yes I hate the pick-up artist stuff. I just meant that after I strike up a conversation I don't really know how to ask people on dates. I come from a culture where asking so directly is not normal so I don't really have the courage to do that. Plus I'm really really scared of rejection.
Is there another way?

I'm scared of rejection (and abandonment) too. Really scared. But, really, After all my years like that I think it's just the best way. The best thing to get over rejection in that case is assume it's coming. If you can ask, have her say 'no thanks' and say 'okay, no worries just thought I'd ask' and then act normal like it didn't phase you at all, that's very appealing both romantically and as friends. That's a cool guy. Even though you just got rejected! It's like it was nothing! He knows there are other girls so what does he care!

I get that it's much easier said than done but I think that's the best way. Trying to get a woman to date you without specifying it's a date is not the right way imo.

Although as I'm typing this I had a thought: I know a lot of people have success with being set up by their friends. If you have female friends (I don't know how close you are) maybe let them know you're looking and having trouble finding someone if they know anyone who might be interested in a date. That vulnerability and honesty can also be attractive.

Thanks for your reply!

np!