I have a girlfriend who loves me, and I love her with all my heart, and id love to have grown old together.
I have parents who love me and have tried so hard to help my mental ilness.
I have a sister who loves me and has just had two kids who will never know their uncle and I'll never get to see them grow.
These are all things that many people would kill for, having them could even turn some people on here life around and make them no longer want death.
Yet this is life, unfair. I need to die because my phobia and panic attacks have gotten so bad that the mere thought of my phobia being a reality makes me want to die to avoid it, the pure fear that runs through every inch of my body, daily now, the only times I'm at peace are when I'm asleep and for a short duration after I wake before I remember. And yet all that love I have in my life cannot fix it.
Instead I have to leave behind all these people who love me, who will be heart broken, who will blame themselves despite me asking them not to.
.
And then onto death itself, I wish I could go out in my home where I feel safest, but I don't want my loved ones to find my body nor Mark a part of the house as "The room he died in".
I would love to be able to die holding the hand of the woman I love and saying goodbye, but I know it's impossible as she would do anything to make me stay.
So instead I'm forced to drive somewhere secluded to die alone. My loved ones forced to worry about me being missing untill they get that horrible visit from a police officer to tell them I've been found.
Again, none of it's fair.
And lastly, my body, while not perfect, is relatively fit and healthy. Yet there are so many people who want to live, who could live if they just had the body too. And yet I cannot give them mine, I can't let them have my body to keep living in my stead. Its just unfair.
I can't even immediately give my body to a hospital for transplants that could save someone's life, simply because we still don't live in a world that accepts suicide. Imagine if I could go to a hospital and ask to use a suicide machine which would kill me quickly and painlessly and have all my organs ready to go and save people's lives. But no, life isn't fair and instead my perfectly good parts will die along with me.
Sorry for the somber post. Just felt I needed to get it off my chest.
James -
I have parents who love me and have tried so hard to help my mental ilness.
I have a sister who loves me and has just had two kids who will never know their uncle and I'll never get to see them grow.
These are all things that many people would kill for, having them could even turn some people on here life around and make them no longer want death.
Yet this is life, unfair. I need to die because my phobia and panic attacks have gotten so bad that the mere thought of my phobia being a reality makes me want to die to avoid it, the pure fear that runs through every inch of my body, daily now, the only times I'm at peace are when I'm asleep and for a short duration after I wake before I remember. And yet all that love I have in my life cannot fix it.
Instead I have to leave behind all these people who love me, who will be heart broken, who will blame themselves despite me asking them not to.
.
And then onto death itself, I wish I could go out in my home where I feel safest, but I don't want my loved ones to find my body nor Mark a part of the house as "The room he died in".
I would love to be able to die holding the hand of the woman I love and saying goodbye, but I know it's impossible as she would do anything to make me stay.
So instead I'm forced to drive somewhere secluded to die alone. My loved ones forced to worry about me being missing untill they get that horrible visit from a police officer to tell them I've been found.
Again, none of it's fair.
And lastly, my body, while not perfect, is relatively fit and healthy. Yet there are so many people who want to live, who could live if they just had the body too. And yet I cannot give them mine, I can't let them have my body to keep living in my stead. Its just unfair.
I can't even immediately give my body to a hospital for transplants that could save someone's life, simply because we still don't live in a world that accepts suicide. Imagine if I could go to a hospital and ask to use a suicide machine which would kill me quickly and painlessly and have all my organs ready to go and save people's lives. But no, life isn't fair and instead my perfectly good parts will die along with me.
Sorry for the somber post. Just felt I needed to get it off my chest.
James -
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