Venting life on a timer

[ambivalent_thespian]

i leave for university on august 22, 2024. exactly one year after the worst day of my fucking life.

i've fully given up on the idea of recovering without attempting to end it first. it seems impossible to get any sort of help without reaching rock bottom.

so. i'll give them a rock bottom if it kills me.

haven't picked a date yet, but i've decided on SN. if it fails, i won't be doomed forever (brain damage, paralysis etc). and then i can finally physically demonstrate my anguish.

i remember crying to my parents about being miserable all the fucking time, and my dad called me manipulative. my mom sat there and let him.

fuck him. fuck them both. and fuck the sociopathic bitch who ruined my life just because i wanted just one fucking adult i could trust and i can't fucking have that apparently!

it's never gonna get better and i can't stand the constant reminders of what happened. i still hear her voice echoing in my head every single day as a reminder of how messed up the world is. no matter how far away i get i'll still be in that hallway and hear her laughing at me.

i can't demonstrate how much i hate her and i'll take that hatred out on myself.

but nooo~ survivor's guilt doesn't matter bc she never *directly* affected me.

i love how people claim to care about trauma, but only if that trauma is related to physical actions. if it's anything besides that, why not jump off a bridge to prove that your depression is worth caring about?

i'm so tired.

 

[emptyenvelopes]

There is nothing worse when the people that are supposed to be there for you are not. That's is so incredibly painful and I'm so sorry that you have had to go through this. Your feelings matter and you matter even when others disagree. Don't forget that.

 

[Zhendou]

I hear you like we all do. It was difficult for me with a support system so I can't imagine how much more pain as there without a support system. I had a girl that turned my entire highschool against me and bullied me for simply calling her out. I feel you because it is emotionally suffocating when nobody wanted me in my former highschool, even my "friends" left me. I can't imagine if even my family did not want me. Remember that your pain is valid and always will be. You have stayed strong for so long.

Know that we are here for you whether you decide to CTB or recover. It is your choice and your choice only.