Venting Life never gets better

[Alchemist]

I'm tired of being myself. Of being born in a country I hate and to a life where I can't fin any real happiness. I hate being so mediocre and that my best efforts will only lead to get average results. I hate being a combination of someone unattractive with an awkward and awful personality that makes everyone disgusted just to be around. Even getting some human contact or intimacy is impossible for me unless I pay for it, otherwise I won't get any kind of human contact to the point I don't know how to react when I'm touched.

I hate being a loser who can't even get a decent job while my cousins are successful in their careers. I have no achievements to claim except being stuck with a family that barely tolerates me out of pity. Nobody cares about me, even my "friends" only bother to offer some empty words when I'm at my worse. I can't get nothing but platitudes, at least until they get bored of me being miserable and they just drop me like anyone else on my life.

I don't think I've have ever known true happiness, only things that seem to be similar, but something ends up ruining them sooner or later. The only way I can get any interaction is by being a total asshole because I can be someone good for weeks without anybody noticing, but being a piece of shit for one second makes everyone lose their minds and sometimes being hated is better than just be ignored. Guess that last part is just part of my shitty personality that comes out without even realizing it sometimes, specially when getting on the defensive.

Guess that's why I'm resigned to never be normal, to never have a human interaction like everyone else does, to burn with envy when I see someone getting hugged. I'm already broken and I can't be fixed. Worst is that my cowardice won't allow me to ctb and keeps me barely functional. I suppose that I have to be mediocre at that too, I'm not even capable of ending everything, I just go around hoping someone can end it for me.

Nowadays my mood can only be horny or miserable, so I avoid everyone just to not ruin anything that's left of contact for me. I know I don't deserve anything, maybe even death is too good for me.

 

[FTL.Wanderer]

I'm tired of being myself. Of being born in a country I hate and to a life where I can't fin any real happiness. I hate being so mediocre and that my best efforts will only lead to get average results. I hate being a combination of someone unattractive with an awkward and awful personality that makes everyone disgusted just to be around. Even getting some human contact or intimacy is impossible for me unless I pay for it, otherwise I won't get any kind of human contact to the point I don't know how to react when I'm touched.

I hate being a loser who can't even get a decent job while my cousins are successful in their careers. I have no achievements to claim except being stuck with a family that barely tolerates me out of pity. Nobody cares about me, even my "friends" only bother to offer some empty words when I'm at my worse. I can't get nothing but platitudes, at least until they get bored of me being miserable and they just drop me like anyone else on my life.

I don't think I've have ever known true happiness, only things that seem to be similar, but something ends up ruining them sooner or later. The only way I can get any interaction is by being a total asshole because I can be someone good for weeks without anybody noticing, but being a piece of shit for one second makes everyone lose their minds and sometimes being hated is better than just be ignored. Guess that last part is just part of my shitty personality that comes out without even realizing it sometimes, specially when getting on the defensive.

Guess that's why I'm resigned to never be normal, to never have a human interaction like everyone else does, to burn with envy when I see someone getting hugged. I'm already broken and I can't be fixed. Worst is that my cowardice won't allow me to ctb and keeps me barely functional. I suppose that I have to be mediocre at that too, I'm not even capable of ending everything, I just go around hoping someone can end it for me.

Nowadays my mood can only be horny or miserable, so I avoid everyone just to not ruin anything that's left of contact for me. I know I don't deserve anything, maybe even death is too good for me.

Amen! I'm really sorry you feel the way you do. I feel similarly often. I couldn't agree more with you. And today when we're flooded with images of perfection, it can be even harder to deal with being average or... An ex-buddy of mine said the reason he hated doing mixers was the inevitable question, "What do you do?" That was code for "What's your social rank? How can you entertain me or help me rise in the social hierarchy?"

 

[Alchemist]

Amen! I'm really sorry you feel the way you do. I feel similarly often. I couldn't agree more with you. And today when we're flooded with images of perfection, it can be even harder to deal with being average or... An ex-buddy of mine said the reason he hated doing mixers was the inevitable question, "What do you do?" That was code for "What's your social rank? How can you entertain me or help me rise in the social hierarchy?"

The worst part is seeing others getting their shit together. I'm unable to do that and whenever I try I get beaten down by life. I'm to the point I get extremely anxious by any social interaction. Ironic my work involves a lot of that, because I have to endure and barely hold it for 8 hours a day just to have enough money for some of the things that each passing day I find less enjoyable. I can barely remember the last time I had some hope.

 

[FTL.Wanderer]

The worst part is seeing others getting their shit together. I'm unable to do that and whenever I try I get beaten down by life. I'm to the point I get extremely anxious by any social interaction. Ironic my work involves a lot of that, because I have to endure and barely hold it for 8 hours a day just to have enough money for some of the things that each passing day I find less enjoyable. I can barely remember the last time I had some hope.

Very similar perspectives. You're right--you HAVE TO act, pretend to be well-adjusted. You have to keep your face just the right way--so your eyes seem engaged in life and no pain shows through. You have to make sure you have enough of a smile on your face so it seems like you're a content person. You have to edit every comment out of your mouth so it's appropriate. You even have to pretend to like things that gall you. Because if they even suspect you're different they'll stone your ass. No job for you. No more money. No more livability.

Have you ever been talking to someone about something you don't give half a f*k about and as they're babbling on and on about it, your face hurts from maintaining an idiotic smile, and you find yourself forgetting what the hell they're talking about?

 

[Alchemist]

Very similar perspectives. You're right--you HAVE TO act, pretend to be well-adjusted. You have to keep your face just the right way--so your eyes seem engaged in life and no pain shows through. You have to make sure you have enough of a smile on your face so it seems like you're a content person. You have to edit every comment out of your mouth so it's appropriate. You even have to pretend to like things that gall you. Because if they even suspect you're different they'll stone your ass. No job for you. No more money. No more livability.

Have you ever been talking to someone about something you don't give half a f*k about and as they're babbling on and on about it, your face hurts from maintaining an idiotic smile, and you find yourself forgetting what they hell they're talking about?

Pretty much of the time. Just like everything else, I have the dorkiest of hobbies, just to be more of a pariah. Hell, If I say anything that of what you mentioned I only get it dismissed like a joke or ignored. People only remember I exist when I need something, otherwise I won't even get someone call me or something.

 

[FTL.Wanderer]

Pretty much of the time. Just like everything else, I have the dorkiest of hobbies, just to be more of a pariah. Hell, If I say anything that of what you mentioned I only get it dismissed like a joke or ignored. People only remember I exist when I need something, otherwise I won't even get someone call me or something.

Eeeeeeeeexactly. No one even remembers you're alive until they need something. And then they're not even apologetic about forgetting about you for a year+. They're just like, "Hey, yeah, I need..." Holidays, birthdays... it's just you and the hours. But let any of those people who're only around when it benefits them find out you want to die and the hypocrisies and platitudes come spilling out--about "But you have so much to live for!" Or, "So many people would miss you!" DFUQ? Yeah, we're soooooo missed that if we don't bother others we could literally spend a YEAR or more without communicating with them.

Society needs to stop being hypocritical. No, we're not entitled to anyone else's time or attention. But then stop trying to guilt us into sticking around. For others.

 

[Alchemist]

Eeeeeeeeexactly. No one even remembers you're alive until they need something. And then they're not even apologetic about forgetting about you for a year+. They're just like, "Hey, yeah, I need..." Holidays, birthdays... it's just you and the hours. But let any of those people who're only around when it benefits them find out you want to die and the hypocrisies and platitudes come spilling out--about "But you have so much to live for!" Or, "So many people would miss you!" DFUQ? Yeah, we're soooooo missed that if we don't bother others we could literally spend a YEAR or more without communicating with them.

Society needs to stop being hypocritical. No, we're not entitled to anyone else's time or attention. But then stop trying to guilt us into sticking around. For others.

Even in betters days that still holds true. They tell you that they are your friend, but as soon as you stop being in the same class or job they forget about you. Even a girl who I deeply loved back in the past told me she considered me her best friend just to forget about my birthday (back when I cared about that) And hasn't spoken to me in 5 years since then. Last time I heard about her was because I heard my phone ringing and arrived late just to find it was her, so I checked on her just so she could tell me it was a buttdial, just that, no more words after that. If I closed my facebook now I would probably stop hearing completely from 99% of the people I've met.

 

[bluesleep]

Sometimes it gets better in my opinion, but it never lasts, you always end up in a worse place. That's why now when I feel happy I'm prepared for it to end really, really badly, always.

 

[Alchemist]

Sometimes it gets better in my opinion, but it never lasts, you always end up in a worse place. That's why now when I feel happy I'm prepared for it to end really, really badly, always.

True. Whenever things to be improving something happens that makes them worse than before.

 

[throwaway123]

I'm tired of being myself. Of being born in a country I hate and to a life where I can't fin any real happiness. I hate being so mediocre and that my best efforts will only lead to get average results. I hate being a combination of someone unattractive with an awkward and awful personality that makes everyone disgusted just to be around. Even getting some human contact or intimacy is impossible for me unless I pay for it, otherwise I won't get any kind of human contact to the point I don't know how to react when I'm touched.

I hate being a loser who can't even get a decent job while my cousins are successful in their careers. I have no achievements to claim except being stuck with a family that barely tolerates me out of pity. Nobody cares about me, even my "friends" only bother to offer some empty words when I'm at my worse. I can't get nothing but platitudes, at least until they get bored of me being miserable and they just drop me like anyone else on my life.

I don't think I've have ever known true happiness, only things that seem to be similar, but something ends up ruining them sooner or later. The only way I can get any interaction is by being a total asshole because I can be someone good for weeks without anybody noticing, but being a piece of shit for one second makes everyone lose their minds and sometimes being hated is better than just be ignored. Guess that last part is just part of my shitty personality that comes out without even realizing it sometimes, specially when getting on the defensive.

Guess that's why I'm resigned to never be normal, to never have a human interaction like everyone else does, to burn with envy when I see someone getting hugged. I'm already broken and I can't be fixed. Worst is that my cowardice won't allow me to ctb and keeps me barely functional. I suppose that I have to be mediocre at that too, I'm not even capable of ending everything, I just go around hoping someone can end it for me.

Nowadays my mood can only be horny or miserable, so I avoid everyone just to not ruin anything that's left of contact for me. I know I don't deserve anything, maybe even death is too good for me.

A lot of people here feel like you do , atleast I do.
I wish I knew what to say.
Almost your whole text describes me. Not being able to CTB is the worst feeling. I've been like this for a couple of years now and it doesn't get better. It just gets worse.

 

[Alchemist]

A lot of people here feel like you do , atleast I do.
I wish I knew what to say.
Almost your whole text describes me. Not being able to CTB is the worst feeling. I've been like this for a couple of years now and it doesn't get better. It just gets worse.

True. Just having that nobody will care. Besides of my family having to pay for funerary expenses (which are cheaper than all the crap they spent on my multiple medical issues, although they could leave me in a ditch to rot for all I care) and people where I work due to my absence, no one else will even realize I'm dead. I know that since I spent a month without being able to use my only social media and nobody even realized I was gone.

 

[FTL.Wanderer]

Even in betters days that still holds true. They tell you that they are your friend, but as soon as you stop being in the same class or job they forget about you. Even a girl who I deeply loved back in the past told me she considered me her best friend just to forget about my birthday (back when I cared about that) And hasn't spoken to me in 5 years since then. Last time I heard about her was because I heard my phone ringing and arrived late just to find it was her, so I checked on her just so she could tell me it was a buttdial, just that, no more words after that. If I closed my facebook now I would probably stop hearing completely from 99% of the people I've met.

Yup & yup again. I've stopped even trying to make friends. No matter how hard you work at it, you end up exploited and ultimately abandoned anyway. Unless you're one of the "right" kinds of people. What a waste of time, money, and other resources--all to end up alone again after a few years to a decade.

A lot of people here feel like you do , atleast I do.
I wish I knew what to say.
Almost your whole text describes me. Not being able to CTB is the worst feeling. I've been like this for a couple of years now and it doesn't get better. It just gets worse.

True dat.

 

[Weeping Garbage Can]

Very similar perspectives. You're right--you HAVE TO act, pretend to be well-adjusted. You have to keep your face just the right way--so your eyes seem engaged in life and no pain shows through. You have to make sure you have enough of a smile on your face so it seems like you're a content person. You have to edit every comment out of your mouth so it's appropriate. You even have to pretend to like things that gall you. Because if they even suspect you're different they'll stone your ass. No job for you. No more money. No more livability.

Have you ever been talking to someone about something you don't give half a f*k about and as they're babbling on and on about it, your face hurts from maintaining an idiotic smile, and you find yourself forgetting what the hell they're talking about?

I completely relate, it's as if talking to others is like a tightrope; if there is one misstep, the rope becomes wobbly and the walker either stumbles or falls entirely. And faking interest, especially without any 'breathe of fresh air" type of person who actually understands, is extremely exhausting. Perhaps it's like being forced as puppets, acting in a very specific way to conform to another's narrow taste of acceptability? I notice with general society, the promoted ways to success include manipulation: say these words, never talk about these topics, smile this way, do these topics, etc. I'm happy for those who do manage to fit in and find support somewhere, but I feel for all of those left behind, not able/willing to conform, as the loneliness and rejection most often fiercely hurts.

Pretty much of the time. Just like everything else, I have the dorkiest of hobbies, just to be more of a pariah. Hell, If I say anything that of what you mentioned I only get it dismissed like a joke or ignored. People only remember I exist when I need something, otherwise I won't even get someone call me or something.

I'm sorry, that's very shitty, to be discarded as a joke. Maybe you could find users with similar hobbies on here? I would like to hear about your hobbies and interests, if you're alright with sharing them?

They're just like, "Hey, yeah, I need..." Holidays, birthdays... it's just you and the hours. But let any of those people who're only around when it benefits them find out you want to die and the hypocrisies and platitudes come spilling out--about "But you have so much to live for!" Or, "So many people would miss you!" DFUQ? Yeah, we're soooooo missed that if we don't bother others we could literally spend a YEAR or more without communicating with them.

Society needs to stop being hypocritical. No, we're not entitled to anyone else's time or attention. But then stop trying to guilt us into sticking around. For others.

You're absolutely correct, I agree with all of this. I'm aware that there are those who truly care, and are willing to put in the time and love into supporting a loved one who is suicidal, but they are few and far between. I find the other camp, those who don't truly give much of a shit, to spout these platitudes and use guilt tripping, like you mentioned above. And ditto, imo, we especially shouldn't be forced to live for the latter mentioned group of people.

Yup & yup again. I've stopped even trying to make friends. No matter how hard you work at it, you end up exploited and ultimately abandoned anyway. Unless you're one of the "right" kinds of people. What a waste of time, money, and other resources--all to end up alone again after a few years to a decade.

I understand why you would say this, but maybe you could find companionship on SS, even if friends in person don't work out? (Perhaps I'm being too optimistic)

 

[Alchemist]

Yup & yup again. I've stopped even trying to make friends. No matter how hard you work at it, you end up exploited and ultimately abandoned anyway. Unless you're one of the "right" kinds of people. What a waste of time, money, and other resources--all to end up alone again after a few years to a decade.


True dat.

Exactly. It's just a matter of how useful you are to others, and someone like me is pretty useless.

I completely relate, it's as if talking to others is like a tightrope; if there is one misstep, the rope becomes wobbly and the walker either stumbles or falls entirely. And faking interest, especially without any 'breathe of fresh air" type of person who actually understands, is extremely exhausting. Perhaps it's like being forced as puppets, acting in a very specific way to conform to another's narrow taste of acceptability? I notice with general society, the promoted ways to success include manipulation: say these words, never talk about these topics, smile this way, do these topics, etc. I'm happy for those who do manage to fit in and find support somewhere, but I feel for all of those left behind, not able/willing to conform, as the loneliness and rejection most often fiercely hurts.


I'm sorry, that's very shitty, to be discarded as a joke. Maybe you could find users with similar hobbies on here? I would like to hear about your hobbies and interests, if you're alright with sharing them?


You're absolutely correct, I agree with all of this. I'm aware that there are those who truly care, and are willing to put in the time and love into supporting a loved one who is suicidal, but they are few and far between. I find the other camp, those who don't truly give much of a shit, to spout these platitudes and use guilt tripping, like you mentioned above. And ditto, imo, we especially shouldn't be forced to live for the latter mentioned group of people.


I understand why you would say this, but maybe you could find companionship on SS, even if friends in person don't work out? (Perhaps I'm being too optimistic)

Maybe I'll try, I haven't had a lot of luck finding people with similar hobbies. Many years ago I tried to find groups like that, but it turned out they only had me around so they could laugh and talk shit about me behind my back, others have "grown out of it" or became less interested by that stuff. My hobbies are pretty much videogames, anime, science fiction, comics, all that kind of nerdy stuff. Though for obvious reasons I stick to stuff that can be done alone since I already gave up on going out with others. 99% of the time O won't get invited to anything, or if I invite someone, I just get excuses.

 

[FTL.Wanderer]

Exactly. It's just a matter of how useful you are to others, and someone like me is pretty useless.

Maybe I'll try, I haven't had a lot of luck finding people with similar hobbies. Many years ago I tried to find groups like that, but it turned out they only had me around so they could laugh and talk shit about me behind my back, others have "grown out of it" or became less interested by that stuff. My hobbies are pretty much videogames, anime, science fiction, comics, all that kind of nerdy stuff. Though for obvious reasons I stick to stuff that can be done alone since I already gave up on going out with others. 99% of the time O won't get invited to anything, or if I invite someone, I just get excuses.

Again, I totally agree. Do you ever wonder why the hell people like us don't meet in the real world? Or why when we put the effort into meeting, it fails? What do you think about this... I knew LOOONG ago that I wasn't a "beta" but instead an "omega.." So I tried to form friendships with other omegas. I'd try befriending (in real life) other chronically depressed people, other suicidal people, even the homeless... Then it hit me like a concrete block that other "loser" people have standards! They, like most other people, want to be among winners--the hot people, the super athletes, the rich... They didn't want just friendship. They wanted friendship with the right kind of people. You've read those articles about how humans are social climbers... It's like how many people would prefer to date abusers of all kinds so long as they find them physically attractive... If you're on the bottom of the social totem pole, you're likely screwed b/c everyone's trying to get waaaay above you. What do you think?

 

[TAW122]

Yeah, most of my life has just been meh, with some really shitty times and some decent times (oftenly fleeting). I feel like shit most of my time and while I'm not actively suicidal atm, ctb is a regular thought in my everyday life. I fantasize about death and just the process of dying.

 

[Alchemist]

Again, I totally agree. Do you ever wonder why the hell people like us don't meet in the real world? Or why when we put the effort into meeting, it fails? What do you think about this... I knew LOOONG ago that I wasn't a "beta" but instead an "omega.." So I tried to form friendships with other omegas. I'd try befriending (in real life) other chronically depressed people, other suicidal people, even the homeless... Then it hit me like a concrete block that other "loser" people have standards! They, like most other people, want to be among winners--the hot people, the super athletes, the rich... They didn't want just friendship. They wanted friendship with the right kind of people. You've read those articles about how humans are social climbers... It's like how many people would prefer to date abusers of all kinds so long as they find them physically attractive... If you're on the bottom of the social totem pole, you're likely screwed b/c everyone's trying to get waaaay above you. What do you think?

Might be some true on that. But I already gave up on trying to understand people. Just knowing they consider me awful to be around is all I need to know nowadays.