Venting Life is work.

[CaptainSunshine!]

This might be a silly rant lol, but it's been sitting on my mind for like two days and seeing everyone vent made me wanna do it also. I would like to die soon, and the thought and event may be pushing me to write these things.


Everything is work.
When I wake up I just lie in bed, waiting for nothing. Takes me around 30 minutes to get up, because nothing really is awaiting me when I decide to get moving. Nothing, save for displeasure of taking care of my existence. Hygiene is important and people say that it's not supposed to be pleasant; you just do it. I look at that mindset, and can't help but apply it to life. I've been brought to life, just so I can work for the benefit of others. I'm forced to sign the contract of being. If I disagree with the arbitrary points of living and working, I'm deemed as mentally ill and in need of correction.

Why do it all? People will say that family, love, pleasure, and such bring meaning and joy to life. But my issue is that I care about none of these. I hear about unconditional love and stuff, but I can't see that as being possible, at least in my life. I live with my family, and I get shit just for living. If I sweep I get insulted for doing it wrong. Just standing will invite my father to berating me. Talking causes others to ignore or laugh at me. Because of this, I've developed a need for precision, a constant feeling of inferiority and fear of being laughed at behind my back. If this is home, family, and supposed to feel good, what the fuck is work gonna be like?

Even hobbies are work for fun. You must learn how to do something and must deal with failure. Reading is tiring. If I grew up reading books, maybe I would enjoy it. This year I read some books, but I need to force myself to do it. It takes me two hours to read 35 pages. Damn.

I feel like a loser, because I'm having difficulty with the bare minimum, and my brother talks about everyone needing to get into politics and such. Not only must I bear the effort of existing, but also must add more workload for myself in order to be normal, "happy", and respected? Damn.
My father often watches TV news and I just hear constant negativity. Is this what I'm supposed to be interested in? Should I be afraid of living and the future?
I always saw news as just feeding you negativity with no real purpose. What am I supposed to do with the fact that Ukraine's at war? I can do nothing about that, even though I live in the country right next to it and a war is possible.

I hate taking care of this meat mecha. Constant maintenance and even with that, it breaks down as the years go by. Everything I have is due to my youth. I have earned none of it all. Therefore, I find difficulty in being proud. I feel conceited and arrogant when trying to impress. People will always be better than me anyway, so I can never feel good about my achievements.

Even fucking suicide is difficult. I've heard somewhere that life is a prison and everyone is either a guard, brainwashed prisoner, or regular prisoner. The theory was that we were punished for some sort of crime. It's not that solid of a theory, but it's interesting. In that case, this forum is like a prisoners' solidarity.
I hope I have the balls to do this deed. I'm slowly practicing and such. Of course, I'm failing, but it would be wonderful if I succeeded. Death is scary. I commend those who have attained it.


If you've read everything, thank you.

 

[LackOfDetermination]

Yeah, everything is legitimately work. not to mention everyone's always pushing us to get "side hustles" even when we work full time or even overtime.... Though, I have to agree with your brother, since the work stuff is a direct result of people benefitting off the back off socialist reform in the mid 1900s, getting conplacent, and letting the politicians and corporations claw back every right the protestors and unions got us to the piint we even shifted to a rent-based economy starting with the invention of "credit".

 

[Spite]

I don't think your rant is silly. I think you see the world for what it really is. Life is work. Life is suffering. Life is exhausting.

I've often thought it's interesting how, to use an example, we have to put in work and effort to be clean - showering and washing and all that stuff. We (generally) want to be clean, but being clean is only fleeting and temporary. Being dirty, however, is guaranteed and is constantly where we end up if we don't wash ourselves. My point is that I have often thought of life as being analogous to this "clean/dirty" hypothetical, and I think you outlined parts of this in your post. Life feels like you are constantly chasing desires, goals, dopamine rushes, etc, but putting in all the effort to try and strive towards attaining those things very often feels exhausting and like it just isn't worth it, especially if a lot of bad life experiences end up weighing you down constantly. You start to think "why even bother trying to find happiness when I will just be crushed and have that happiness eventually taken away from me anyway?"

I've also sometimes thought of life as some kind of strange prison. You might know about it already, but "Prison Planet Theory" is a thing. I don't know if I entirely believe it, but it's still interesting to think about.

I'm terrified of death too, as much as I have sometimes felt close to CTB. I too have nothing but the utmost respect for those who are courageous enough to actually go through with it and succeed. I honestly don't know if I will ever have what it takes.

 

[PI3.14]

I think being born in a dysfunctional family is really a curse, it negatively affects everything, and the effect never goes away even when reaching adulthood.