Venting Life is shit and then you die

[Veffexorline1970]

I'm struggling at the moment, more so than usual (although, that being said, my baseline IS struggling..) and it's hard. I get anxious thinking about my future, and I get told to "take each day as it comes", but as an adult that's easier said than done.

I've got deadlines, work ahead of me, things I need to plan in advance of, so I can't just "cross that bridge when we come to it". Sometimes I feel that my brain is not wired correctly, but no doctor has really given much thought about it. They throw medicines at me, tell me to take a number and wait for some therapy that never materialises. Meanwhile, I rot. I get worse. I struggle.

I can't help but feel hopeless. Suicidal Ideation was once a way for me to get through the day, fantasising about it, "If it gets too bad, I can always just off myself" I'd say to myself like a carrot on a stick. Nowadays, it's the only thing I think about. Not a good coping mechanism is it...

I write all this, and then the logical part of my brain kicks in. I sound melancholic, in the most cliché way. This isn't helpful, and I need to get better. What if I can't?

 

[eternalpeace]

I'm struggling at the moment, more so than usual (although, that being said, my baseline IS struggling..) and it's hard. I get anxious thinking about my future, and I get told to "take each day as it comes", but as an adult that's easier said than done.

I've got deadlines, work ahead of me, things I need to plan in advance of, so I can't just "cross that bridge when we come to it". Sometimes I feel that my brain is not wired correctly, but no doctor has really given much thought about it. They throw medicines at me, tell me to take a number and wait for some therapy that never materialises. Meanwhile, I rot. I get worse. I struggle.

I can't help but feel hopeless. Suicidal Ideation was once a way for me to get through the day, fantasising about it, "If it gets too bad, I can always just off myself" I'd say to myself like a carrot on a stick. Nowadays, it's the only thing I think about. Not a good coping mechanism is it...

I write all this, and then the logical part of my brain kicks in. I sound melancholic, in the most cliché way. This isn't helpful, and I need to get better. What if I can't?

I hear you. I wish I had some useful advice, but I don't. I feel the same way. Over the years I have tried multiple types of therapy (CBT, ACT, DBT, EMDR, EFT), more medications than I can count, as well as ketamine infusions and ECT. (I even tried "alternative medicine": reiki, acupuncture, a "life coach" and this very bizarre ritual involving crystals…)

And yet, it's just like Groundhog Day in my brain: the same thing, over and over. I've lost patience with myself. I want to slap myself and say "snap out of it" like Cher in the movie "Moonstruck". But I can't seem to snap out of it, and I'm out of ideas as to what else to try, and out of energy to keep trying even if I could think of something.

I did have a good therapist, and I felt like she might help me achieve some sort of "breakthrough". She even had a novel idea about diagnosis and it seemed like she had some ideas that she was going to try, but then I ended up in the hospital, and by the time I got out 5 months later, she had moved away! Now I'm on a waiting list for a new therapist, but I have no idea how long I will wait, or whether the new therapist is even any good. Even if they are, I don't know that I have the strength to start all over again with someone new.

 

[subj]

You certainly do seem to feel overhelmed. Not sure if anxiety causes you to be overwhelmed or if bein g overwhelmed causes anxiety. If anxiety causes you to be overwhelmed then therapy could help you get a handle on the anxiety, if many things that cause you to be overwhelmed then learning to take one at a time and break issues into small manageable pieces is a good idea. I hpoope you could find a good therapist and not rely totally on medications. Also consider meditation, yolga or any of the more holistic therapies that are calming and forgiving. Please don't take this as a lecture to override your freedom but just some suggestions that may help.

 

[GenesAndEnvironment]

Is stress the only problem? Definitely should be fixable without suicide.

 

[Veffexorline1970]

I hear you. I wish I had some useful advice, but I don't. I feel the same way. Over the years I have tried multiple types of therapy (CBT, ACT, DBT, EMDR, EFT), more medications than I can count, as well as ketamine infusions and ECT. (I even tried "alternative medicine": reiki, acupuncture, a "life coach" and this very bizarre ritual involving crystals…)

And yet, it's just like Groundhog Day in my brain: the same thing, over and over. I've lost patience with myself. I want to slap myself and say "snap out of it" like Cher in the movie "Moonstruck". But I can't seem to snap out of it, and I'm out of ideas as to what else to try, and out of energy to keep trying even if I could think of something.

I did have a good therapist, and I felt like she might help me achieve some sort of "breakthrough". She even had a novel idea about diagnosis and it seemed like she had some ideas that she was going to try, but then I ended up in the hospital, and by the time I got out 5 months later, she had moved away! Now I'm on a waiting list for a new therapist, but I have no idea how long I will wait, or whether the new therapist is even any good. Even if they are, I don't know that I have the strength to start all over again with someone new.

If I got paid everytime I told myself I need a slap throughout the day, I would be set for life.

I've tried a few different types of therapy myself, and quite a few medications (I've looked at ketamine infusions but not in depth). I'm currently on Venlafaxine which seems to be having a (somewhat) positive effect.

I'm sorry to hear your therapist moved away, I know it can be very draining to have to open up to someone only for them to disappear right at the end. I hope you don't have too long left to wait and that this therapist is just as cooperative!

You certainly do seem to feel overhelmed. Not sure if anxiety causes you to be overwhelmed or if bein g overwhelmed causes anxiety. If anxiety causes you to be overwhelmed then therapy could help you get a handle on the anxiety, if many things that cause you to be overwhelmed then learning to take one at a time and break issues into small manageable pieces is a good idea. I hpoope you could find a good therapist and not rely totally on medications. Also consider meditation, yolga or any of the more holistic therapies that are calming and forgiving. Please don't take this as a lecture to override your freedom but just some suggestions that may help.

It certainly is cyclical. The anxiety overwhelms and then depresses me. I'm sure there's an element of unlearning to my current behaviours, but over the years and different sessions of therapy with different therapists, I never feel like it gets addressed. I'll have a look into some of those suggestions, thank you <3.

Is stress the only problem? Definitely should be fixable without suicide.

I don't really know? I think it's a major factor. I get stressed over anything, no matter how miniscule. I struggle with perfectionism, so everything has to be done to the highest standard, and so I'm always disappointed in myself. I'm not good at my job, and don't see any future for myself, my relationships aren't great and I can't help but feel so sad it hurts. I can't cry even if I want to. It's been years of this, and I don't feel like I've progressed, just sort of coasting.

I don't think it's going to get better in an objective way. This is my normal, and it feels unbearable.

 

[FuneralCry]

This life can be very tiring, I understand it can be a hopeless feeling when things just get worse. I'm sorry you are going through this, it can be awful dealing with so much stress. Whatever happens, I wish you the best.