_Broken_alice
She/Her
- Nov 19, 2023
- 226
Childhood: Physically and mentally abused. Neglected. Our bio-mother would scream how much she didn't want us "because she wanted a girl" so much that when our sister was born, we told family our bio-mother didn't need us anymore because she had her girl she wanted.
Adolescent years: Same as above but worse because we remember most of it. Add in getting in trouble to things beyond our control (AuD-HD). SA'd, attempt to CTB as a result. Failure like the rest of our life.
Early adulthood: Psychological abuse continued. Moved out of home with zero notice. Started working, finally thought we could figure out how to go forward, even though we were miserable. Figured we could at least find a way to dedicate our worthless miserable life to helping others. Severe back injury that makes it so we can't work. Met our now ex who we were with for ~5 years.
Mid-marriage: Start the process for getting on disability. Initial claim rejected.
This year: Wife decided to discard us like a piece of trash after 5 years together shortly after we started our transition. Started to be hopeful WE could be happy for the first time in our life and she broke us beyond repair right as our life finally felt like ours for the first time ever in 28 years.
Middle of this year: Met two lovely ladies we got to call partners. (wish we could physically be with them, would help so much we think but we can't be) Somehow, for a while, we were doing better.
Shortly after that, we figured out that one of us in our system had been holding onto all of the pain from the loss of the woman we loved so much even though it was killing her to do so. (and more-so we lost our precious kitty we regarded as a daughter. We bonded at the shelter. She immediately curled up in our arms and slept for almost an hour. She would wait for us to get up every night at 3am to get water because she knew we would give her special attention she couldn't get throughout the day.) That alter wanted to protect the rest of us from that pain. In the end, it broke her and she no longer could. After that, we went from complete switching, to co-conscious most of the time.
Now our mental health has severely declined. We started cutting again after being clean for a decade.
October 1st - now: Massive mental health decline. (Oct 1st was supposed to be our 3? year anniversary.) Cutting went from every other week on average, to every 3-4 days on average. Urges to CTB started to be overwhelming due to event of this year, being in a place on our own for the first time ever, and being overwhelming touch and affection starved. Decline just continued and never really stopped. We can't bring ourselves to even eat enough to maintain our already too-low body mass.
Now?
Our "partners" don't even message us anymore, and they hardly respond to our messages leaving us to feel unwanted and discarded yet again as we have been all of our life.
And today we got a letter from disability determination. A rejection to the appeal. They claim we can work when the physical pain alone is so bad we can't even sleep regularly, and most days, getting out of bed is something we dread. We only get our of bed once the pain builds enough we can't try to forcibly stay in bed in and out of shitty sleep anymore. Financially, we have < 8 months to live. And 10k in medical debt we cannot pay that eclipses the bit of money left from what our ex left us with. (Stupid fucking ER visits in this awful nation, SI kicked in over kidney stones.)
Even before today, everything was too much. We spent a day and a half earlier this week just crying before we hit emotional numbness for a few days. We have been near nonstop crying again since after our chosen mom left earlier. We have had partial to complete anhedonia our entire life so far. Nothing is enjoyable, and nothing ever feels rewarding.
We are so tired of all this pain and being helpless to do anything about it. Any time we think we have made any progress, something else comes around to make thing worse than before. We are only still here because we are really picky about criteria for our method to CTB, and it would be our chosen mom to have to ID us and we don't want to hurt her like that. We also have a frustratingly strong SI now after an active attempt when we were 16, as well as passive attempts after our injury.
We hurt so much every moment of every day, both mentally and physically. We are broken. We want this pain to come to an end but know we will not mentally survive another failed attempt. We wish supply of N hadn't dried up. It fits our criteria perfectly. Even SN is becoming seemingly impossible to find in the US. We aren't even allowed to CTB in peace and without endangering others. A genetic defect takes a lot of other medication options out of the option pool as our body does not process and utilize opiates (3+almost 1 that we know of: Hydrocodone and Oxycodone have greatly reduced effect. IV morphine has zero effect. Tramadol has zero effect for pain relief.)
We hate this so much. We honestly just want to not be miserable and have an honest chance at life but have been denied that at every opportunity including the genetic lottery.
Our first choice on method would be exsanguination, but that is horribly unreliable not to mention our SI that was nonexistent for so long is now overwhelmingly strong. Our follow up is a poly-drug overdose, but we fear failure again so much. We are certain we can induce unconsciousness. We aren't remotely certain we could CTB peacefully since we can't rely on opiates. We guess our next option is reaction-produced CO, but that really isn't the way we want to CTB and poses serious risk to others. If not for SI and lack of independent transportation, we would consider jumping as we are like an hour from one of the 5 highest bridges in the US. That is lowest on our short list of options though, even SI aside given how traumatic it would be, both for us, and our chosen mom, and even whomever got tasked with recovering our body.
We think we are going to go cut now until it either no longer hurts, or we give up from lack of relief as we did last week when we last cut.
Adolescent years: Same as above but worse because we remember most of it. Add in getting in trouble to things beyond our control (AuD-HD). SA'd, attempt to CTB as a result. Failure like the rest of our life.
Early adulthood: Psychological abuse continued. Moved out of home with zero notice. Started working, finally thought we could figure out how to go forward, even though we were miserable. Figured we could at least find a way to dedicate our worthless miserable life to helping others. Severe back injury that makes it so we can't work. Met our now ex who we were with for ~5 years.
Mid-marriage: Start the process for getting on disability. Initial claim rejected.
This year: Wife decided to discard us like a piece of trash after 5 years together shortly after we started our transition. Started to be hopeful WE could be happy for the first time in our life and she broke us beyond repair right as our life finally felt like ours for the first time ever in 28 years.
Middle of this year: Met two lovely ladies we got to call partners. (wish we could physically be with them, would help so much we think but we can't be) Somehow, for a while, we were doing better.
Shortly after that, we figured out that one of us in our system had been holding onto all of the pain from the loss of the woman we loved so much even though it was killing her to do so. (and more-so we lost our precious kitty we regarded as a daughter. We bonded at the shelter. She immediately curled up in our arms and slept for almost an hour. She would wait for us to get up every night at 3am to get water because she knew we would give her special attention she couldn't get throughout the day.) That alter wanted to protect the rest of us from that pain. In the end, it broke her and she no longer could. After that, we went from complete switching, to co-conscious most of the time.
Now our mental health has severely declined. We started cutting again after being clean for a decade.
October 1st - now: Massive mental health decline. (Oct 1st was supposed to be our 3? year anniversary.) Cutting went from every other week on average, to every 3-4 days on average. Urges to CTB started to be overwhelming due to event of this year, being in a place on our own for the first time ever, and being overwhelming touch and affection starved. Decline just continued and never really stopped. We can't bring ourselves to even eat enough to maintain our already too-low body mass.
Now?
Our "partners" don't even message us anymore, and they hardly respond to our messages leaving us to feel unwanted and discarded yet again as we have been all of our life.
And today we got a letter from disability determination. A rejection to the appeal. They claim we can work when the physical pain alone is so bad we can't even sleep regularly, and most days, getting out of bed is something we dread. We only get our of bed once the pain builds enough we can't try to forcibly stay in bed in and out of shitty sleep anymore. Financially, we have < 8 months to live. And 10k in medical debt we cannot pay that eclipses the bit of money left from what our ex left us with. (Stupid fucking ER visits in this awful nation, SI kicked in over kidney stones.)
Even before today, everything was too much. We spent a day and a half earlier this week just crying before we hit emotional numbness for a few days. We have been near nonstop crying again since after our chosen mom left earlier. We have had partial to complete anhedonia our entire life so far. Nothing is enjoyable, and nothing ever feels rewarding.
We are so tired of all this pain and being helpless to do anything about it. Any time we think we have made any progress, something else comes around to make thing worse than before. We are only still here because we are really picky about criteria for our method to CTB, and it would be our chosen mom to have to ID us and we don't want to hurt her like that. We also have a frustratingly strong SI now after an active attempt when we were 16, as well as passive attempts after our injury.
We hurt so much every moment of every day, both mentally and physically. We are broken. We want this pain to come to an end but know we will not mentally survive another failed attempt. We wish supply of N hadn't dried up. It fits our criteria perfectly. Even SN is becoming seemingly impossible to find in the US. We aren't even allowed to CTB in peace and without endangering others. A genetic defect takes a lot of other medication options out of the option pool as our body does not process and utilize opiates (3+almost 1 that we know of: Hydrocodone and Oxycodone have greatly reduced effect. IV morphine has zero effect. Tramadol has zero effect for pain relief.)
We hate this so much. We honestly just want to not be miserable and have an honest chance at life but have been denied that at every opportunity including the genetic lottery.
Our first choice on method would be exsanguination, but that is horribly unreliable not to mention our SI that was nonexistent for so long is now overwhelmingly strong. Our follow up is a poly-drug overdose, but we fear failure again so much. We are certain we can induce unconsciousness. We aren't remotely certain we could CTB peacefully since we can't rely on opiates. We guess our next option is reaction-produced CO, but that really isn't the way we want to CTB and poses serious risk to others. If not for SI and lack of independent transportation, we would consider jumping as we are like an hour from one of the 5 highest bridges in the US. That is lowest on our short list of options though, even SI aside given how traumatic it would be, both for us, and our chosen mom, and even whomever got tasked with recovering our body.
We think we are going to go cut now until it either no longer hurts, or we give up from lack of relief as we did last week when we last cut.
