That's an idea that has been haunting me for a while now, and I'm utterly tired of giving any further explanations to the people who tell me absurdities such as:
- Life is a gift, learn how to appreciate it;
- You should be grateful for the life you were given;
- If you give up, you're a selfish coward.
Okay, allow me to order my thoughts a little bit.
So, yeah, I've never asked anyone to be born in the first place. Did anybody ask me if I wanted to exist before I was even born? No. Asking wasn't even possible anyway. It just happened as a consequence of somebody else's desire to give birth, to have their own kids "
because that's what life is about, that's what gives life a meaning" (I cited my parents' thoughts, word by word). Who's selfish now? Most of the time I feel like a marionette that has been created without my consent or agreement just for the sake of rendering somebody else's lives more meaningful. There were so many other ways in which they could've achieved that meaningfulness and enriched their existence without having to condemn somebody else to the same destiny.
You know what's even more absurd? The fact that they hate life maybe even more than I do. They wake up in the morning, get dressed, go to their shitty workplace where they slowly destroy their bodies and souls, then get back home where they spend the few hours left taking care of our basic needs that are only meant to prolong our miserable existence. At the end of the day, they go to sleep and the next day they start over again. Every single day is the same, an alienating, never ending routine.
Oh, yes, of course, they didn't want me to have that kind of life. They wanted me to study, to have a promising future, a six-figure income and a comfortable living, so that's why they've sacrificed themselves. But doesn't this mean that they life
through me? How can I deny to myself that I'm just an object meant to satisfy somebody else's need for approval and gratefulness?
How can I possibly want anything when I'm totally empty and I know that everything I do is only meant to make somebody else happy and proud of their hard work and sacrifices? The only wish that I have is to have never existed. I was blaming my horrendous traumas for destroying my life and for making me want to die, but deep down I believe that they only anticipated what I already knew but I was too scared to admit to myself, because I knew that once you get to the awareness that existence is pointless, there's no way back.
Maybe I can lie to everybody else and pretend that I'm grateful for everything that I was given, including life, but I can't lie to myself, because only I know how I feel about it.
Oh, and another paradox: they will tell you things like "
You can do whatever you want, whatever makes you happy. You're free." but then when you say that the only thing that you'd want and that would make you happy is dying, they will tell you "
No, that's not an option." Why would you tell me that I can do whatever I want if you limit my options to begin with? Can you see the hypocrisy that's literally swallowing this world and all its inhabitants?
To conclude, you're absolutely right. We were forced to all of this, we never gave our word and never could. Nobody will understand this, because they're so caught up in their own needs and desires that they will not see the struggles of those who are intelligent enough to figure out how things actually work and are not willing to become the next slaves, and then they have the audacity to tell us that we're selfish... Whatever! :)
There's a quote that I found a while ago that I adored and that summarizes very briefly my thoughts:
"
And I declared that the dead, who had already died, are happier than the living, who are still alive. But better than both is the one who has never been born, who has not seen the evil that exists under the sun". - Ecclesiastes 4: 2-3
