Venting Life has been so meaningless and empty that i might as well be Dead

[Darkhaven]

My life has been so devoid of emotion, activity and basically everything that's normal for a human being to experience, that it almost feels like i'm dead but still need to behave and "move forward" with my "life" because that's what's expected of me.
Living a reclusive life i often feel like an ermit or a monk. The seclusion has been gradually increasing and right now it's almost total, in the sense that i don't have a social life. Absolutely no social life except for my mother, and to a lesser extent, my grandparents who live away and are getting pretty old and sick.
I never smoked a cigar, i never drank an alchoolic beverage, i never had sex, i never kissed or touched a women's body. I haven't sit down and socialized with other people for more than 2 years. Life is starting to get maddening, i basically only see the outer world from my bedroom's window. And it hurts to know that out there people of my age are enjoying life, not 100% happy but relatively happy, hanging out, having fun, success and building up their lives to be financially independent from their parents.
Soon my parents will expect me to start looking for a job as soon as i finish my degree and i just can't fit in any social background. I feel weird and sooner than later i start to hate everyone near me. Plus my anxiety got so worse in the previous year that it has become crippling. I start to shake when exposed to other people scrutiny. So i will never adjust to a working place.
Seems like the only hope for me is to win a lottery, which is just as likely as getting hit by a thunderstrike.
So SN it is for me because i'm starting to get mad from this miserable existence. Day after day inside this house doing my best to stall my life untill either some game changing world event happens and shit stirs up or either i die.
Problem is i can't stall for probably 60 more years.
So that's it, things are wrapping up, and i have a clear vision that nothing will change, it will only get worse.
Sorry for this rant, i know some people here will probably relate to what i wrote.

 

[Tom9999]

My life has been so devoid of emotion, activity and basically everything that's normal for a human being to experience, that it almost feels like i'm dead but still need to behave and "move forward" with my "life" because that's what's expected of me.
Living a reclusive life i often feel like an ermit or a monk. The seclusion has been gradually increasing and right now it's almost total, in the sense that i don't have a social life. Absolutely no social life except for my mother, and to a lesser extent, my grandparents who live away and are getting pretty old and sick.
I never smoked a cigar, i never drank an alchoolic beverage, i never had sex, i never kissed or touched a women's body. I haven't sit down and socialized with other people for more than 2 years. Life is starting to get maddening, i basically only see the outer world from my bedroom's window. And it hurts to know that out there people of my age are enjoying life, not 100% happy but relatively happy, hanging out, having fun, success and building up their lives to be financially independent from their parents.
Soon my parents will expect me to start looking for a job as soon as i finish my degree and i just can't fit in any social background. I feel weird and sooner than later i start to hate everyone near me. Plus my anxiety got so worse in the previous year that it has become crippling. I start to shake when exposed to other people scrutiny. So i will never adjust to a working place.
Seems like the only hope for me is to win a lottery, which is just as likely as getting hit by a thunderstrike.
So SN it is for me because i'm starting to get mad from this miserable existence. Day after day inside this house doing my best to stall my life untill either some game changing world event happens and shit stirs up or either i die.
Problem is i can't stall for probably 60 more years.
So that's it, things are wrapping up, and i have a clear vision that nothing will change, it will only get worse.
Sorry for this rant, i know some people here will probably relate to what i wrote.

All that sounds really shitty. It sucks you've had to suffer in all those ways. I'm sorry that happened to you. Many hugs to you, and I wish for something to happen soon that improves things for you.

 

[Mr2005]

Sure do. I did it for six years and have regretted it ever since. Get out there and meet a girl. It sucks twice as hard when what you missed out on is past tense and there's nothing you can do about it

 

[Dreamcolleger]

Very relatable and I know I'm around your age. I get what you're saying about the shaking when having trouble in social situations. It becomes a vicious circle and I feel when you get to a certain age (23 here) you just can't get out of it. Even if I could, it's still like I lost (to me) the prime years of my life. It's not like the movies, you don't just magically get better after school. Things can get better for a lot of people, but when you're years out of school and know your situation is fucked, I really don't think you can realistically get out of it.

I have a bit of a social life, but it honestly it got to the point where my half-empty social life has only become good to give me fuel to go through with this. If you want to give yourself a real push and clear your mind, just go to a club one night, look around and try to stay there as long as you can until it is unbearable.