Help Life after suicide

[Maormer]

Last May I tried to CTB. It was my 4th (or 7th depending how you count) attempt. In the past after failures I always took comfort in knowing I was going to try again, I wouldn't hurt forever, but this time was different. There was no comfort there. That day I called my friends and after many tear filled conversations I realized there would be no 5th attempt, this was it, I'm going to have to learn to live. That comfort I used to get was replaced by dread.

I've spent the past decade of my life going from one attempt to the next. I never planned for or even considered my future because it was never supposed to happen. I feel so developmentally stunted. I spent my life from 14 to 24 living only to keep up appearances. I never learned how to care for myself, I lost my ability to imagine a future for myself, I'm 24 and still in undergrad, still stuck at home, still never had a boyfriend. I didn't do anything to progress myself for so long because I always assumed I'd be dead in a year.

This isn't some doomer post. I know my situation is bad but I also know I'm the one who put myself in that situation. I know I can get out of it, I just don't know how. How to I relearn how to imagine my future? How do I clean up the mess Ive made? How do I live without the comfort of suicide? How do I cope without my self destructive habits? How do I learn to love the woman who I tried to kill 4 times?

I wish there was some sort of step by step guide on how to rebuild your life after spending most of it a suicidal wreck. I feel so lost

 

[Dot]

Thre = nothng wrng wth b-ing undr-grd @ 24

Mny ppl hve finshd thr dgrees & regrt th/ subjct tht thy tk or wll nt b usng @ all & wll stll b lookng fr dffrnt creers in thr 30s & 40s

Slf finshd undr-grd @ 31 aftr startng prt-tme @ 23

Slf jst thght wht wld hlp 'futre slf' mre

Whrevr u r nw -- wht cn u d/ tht futre-slf wll apprci8 in x numbr of yrs tme

Tht helpd slf a lt

Also if u spk 2 ppl in thr 30s 40s 50s u wll hve lts of ppl tellng u tht 20s = 2 b usd fr tryng thngs out & findng wh/ u r & startng agn etc

Frm slf perspctve u r nt all tht b-hnd & hve lts of tme fr lernng th/ thngs tht u fl tht u hve missd

 

[OnceTheHappiestMan]

You writing this post is for sure a step, a step in the right direction.

I don't believe in using personal experience as an example or advice to anyone, and there are people in this forum that are much more able to give consistent and based on observed real life cases advice than myself, but for what it's worth and because I see similarities let me tell you what helped me after my first attempt.

I was also an undergrad a year younger than you, and in my case the first step was just doing a small thing, starting French classes in a language school. I didn't try to reinvent myself or anything, but just doing a thing that was new for me, and different from what my usual world was (I was in engineering). It also wasn't something I did purposely, it was just that I felt like it. But somewhat, it gave me some kind of purpose or relief, I liked doing homework, I liked doing the readings, and that helped me a lot with the rest of my life and my university studies. Two years later I graduated, moved to a different city, and things got better.

I didn't find a girlfriend there, I didn't find who I wanted to be on this life (all of that came later). The friends I made there I didn't really keep contact with them (I keep my friends from before though), I have even forgotten much of my french (at least I can read it!), but it was part of a foundation where I could build a healthy life later.

 

[Chemi]

I'm beyond mentally drained at the moment, but I couldn't leave you hanging. What you wrote is incredibly raw and brave.

That stunted feeling isn't a failure on your part i think. It is the natural side effect of living in survival mode for a decade. You weren't necessarily behind in life. You were just busy doing the full-time job of not dying.

The step-by-step guide you're looking for exists, but it's hard to follow alone. I'm gonna say the big, scary word that can help. Ready?: Therapy

A good therapist who specializes in trauma or re-parenting is basically the architect you need right now. They can help you build the foundation you never got to finish while you were in the fog. They are the ones who help you relearn how to imagine a future when your future muscle has atrophied for ten years.

You've already done the hardest part by deciding to stay. Now you just need a professional to help you draft the floor plan for what comes next.
I want to write more but my brain won't let me. Imma just drop this for you. Maybe it helps.

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