lokabe82
To infinity and beyond
- Jun 16, 2023
- 153
I'm not expecting anyone to entertain this at all, I guess I just want to let this all out somewhere.
I went to a family gathering yesterday and I left with nothing but confusion and emptiness. In less than a month, my sister will be moving to another part of the country so this gathering was her sending off. I saw so many people I haven't seen in 15 or 20 years. Families that used to be so happy together are now broken, just tolerating each other's presence for the occasion. People that have tried to move on with their lives are just trying to settle with a life they don't want. I know that's just how life is, but it reminded me how those things are a big reason for me wanting to leave in the first place. It was physical proof that the unconditional love I would always strive to see just doesn't exist.
My brother moved away last year, and now my sister is leaving too. I also learned that my grandfather's health has declined so much that he can no longer leave the house. I have so much regret for not spending any time with my family. I rarely visited, I rarely called. And I have so much regret for it.
I've always wanted a close relationship with them but I guess I just thought they would always be around. I spent the last 10 years focusing all of my time and energy chasing someone who could care less about me. I was so concerned about chasing that unconditional love and sense of family that I neglected my actual family. I moved back closer to home around 6 months ago, and my sister looked hurt when she found out I was close. I never visited her so I can see why she was hurt.
I have so much regret. My siblings were young kids when I moved out and now they're starting their adult lives. I wasn't a part of seeing them grow up and I will never get that back. I could try to make an effort now but it just seems futile. It would only hurt them more when I do decide to ctb.
And then there's my mom who lives at home with her husband in a failed marriage, watching the last child leave the nest. She is already depressed because of no longer having her kids as well as her dying father. I feel so selfish that I still plan to ctb and I know that will send her over the edge. I don't want to prolong leaving this world but the guilt I have is just tearing me to pieces.
As of now I'm still moving forward with my plans since I genuinely can't take suffering like this anymore. Please be strong, mom.
thank you for reading.
I went to a family gathering yesterday and I left with nothing but confusion and emptiness. In less than a month, my sister will be moving to another part of the country so this gathering was her sending off. I saw so many people I haven't seen in 15 or 20 years. Families that used to be so happy together are now broken, just tolerating each other's presence for the occasion. People that have tried to move on with their lives are just trying to settle with a life they don't want. I know that's just how life is, but it reminded me how those things are a big reason for me wanting to leave in the first place. It was physical proof that the unconditional love I would always strive to see just doesn't exist.
My brother moved away last year, and now my sister is leaving too. I also learned that my grandfather's health has declined so much that he can no longer leave the house. I have so much regret for not spending any time with my family. I rarely visited, I rarely called. And I have so much regret for it.
I've always wanted a close relationship with them but I guess I just thought they would always be around. I spent the last 10 years focusing all of my time and energy chasing someone who could care less about me. I was so concerned about chasing that unconditional love and sense of family that I neglected my actual family. I moved back closer to home around 6 months ago, and my sister looked hurt when she found out I was close. I never visited her so I can see why she was hurt.
I have so much regret. My siblings were young kids when I moved out and now they're starting their adult lives. I wasn't a part of seeing them grow up and I will never get that back. I could try to make an effort now but it just seems futile. It would only hurt them more when I do decide to ctb.
And then there's my mom who lives at home with her husband in a failed marriage, watching the last child leave the nest. She is already depressed because of no longer having her kids as well as her dying father. I feel so selfish that I still plan to ctb and I know that will send her over the edge. I don't want to prolong leaving this world but the guilt I have is just tearing me to pieces.
As of now I'm still moving forward with my plans since I genuinely can't take suffering like this anymore. Please be strong, mom.
thank you for reading.
