willitpass
The awful things we do to make the head go quiet
- Mar 10, 2020
- 3,405
For those who are unaware, I've been here for years, have a healthcare background, and have attempted many times, some very close. So I don't need to be lectured on how awful this will be or the risks or likelihood of success. I know exactly what I am doing, the statistical probabilities I am taking on, as well as the immense risk of surviving if I was intercepted.
My physical health has been failing me still. My doctor suspects they may have finally found a diagnosis. If that is in fact what is wrong, there are treatment options that would give me back some quality of life. But that would be solving one problem out of a mountain of problems. My mental health is still horrific and there aren't any more treatment options to give a shot to. Ketamine has now failed me as well, and that was my last hope. And I'm watching as America collapses around me, falling into a fascist/late stage capitalist hell scape and playing roulette on trying to incite a world war while we're at it. I have no life left. Everything I had built for myself with an amazing job, working on another degree, friends, family, hobbies, aspirations… It's all collapsed after the last 18 months of being institutionalized followed by my health failing me. I have no reason to stay anymore, the only reason I'm still here this late was a lack of a viable, not horrific method.
I've recently started a treatment for my physical health that involves routine IV infusions. I'm there for a couple hours with my IV running, alone in my room, free to go to the bathroom with my IV pole as needed. Once the infusion is done, they take out the IV and I leave. I've decided at my next appointment I will bring contaminated water in a syringe, go to the bathroom, push it into the IV, allow the infusion to finish up, and go home. Based on where I will be sourcing the contaminated water, sepsis is likely to set in pretty quickly. I could be gone as soon as 12 hours after. I know sepsis is horrific, but with my chronic illnesses I have, and having been septic before, it's honestly not unlike the symptoms I live with every day. Eventually, as I reach the later stages and slip into shock, I would become so delirious I wouldn't even be truly aware, or I would slip into a coma.
I've attempted a sort of passive suicide by sepsis before by attempting to infect a cut as well as attempting sepsis by UTI. The cut didn't get anywhere as at the time I was pretty healthy compared to my current state, that was a few years ago. The UTIs did get pretty severe, but due to other health issues I was having, I was in the hospital a lot and would get treated for them while in for other issues. This, however, bypasses even the healthiest of people's immune system. Bacteria straight to the veins. Especially with my otherwise poor health, my body will not be able to compensate in the same ways. I'll never say my methods are sure fire. I wouldn't be writing this post if anything was, as I've survived many attempts that even doctors have said I shouldn't. But I do feel pretty confident. My next infusion appointment may be my ticket to the bus, finally. I hope so.
My physical health has been failing me still. My doctor suspects they may have finally found a diagnosis. If that is in fact what is wrong, there are treatment options that would give me back some quality of life. But that would be solving one problem out of a mountain of problems. My mental health is still horrific and there aren't any more treatment options to give a shot to. Ketamine has now failed me as well, and that was my last hope. And I'm watching as America collapses around me, falling into a fascist/late stage capitalist hell scape and playing roulette on trying to incite a world war while we're at it. I have no life left. Everything I had built for myself with an amazing job, working on another degree, friends, family, hobbies, aspirations… It's all collapsed after the last 18 months of being institutionalized followed by my health failing me. I have no reason to stay anymore, the only reason I'm still here this late was a lack of a viable, not horrific method.
I've recently started a treatment for my physical health that involves routine IV infusions. I'm there for a couple hours with my IV running, alone in my room, free to go to the bathroom with my IV pole as needed. Once the infusion is done, they take out the IV and I leave. I've decided at my next appointment I will bring contaminated water in a syringe, go to the bathroom, push it into the IV, allow the infusion to finish up, and go home. Based on where I will be sourcing the contaminated water, sepsis is likely to set in pretty quickly. I could be gone as soon as 12 hours after. I know sepsis is horrific, but with my chronic illnesses I have, and having been septic before, it's honestly not unlike the symptoms I live with every day. Eventually, as I reach the later stages and slip into shock, I would become so delirious I wouldn't even be truly aware, or I would slip into a coma.
I've attempted a sort of passive suicide by sepsis before by attempting to infect a cut as well as attempting sepsis by UTI. The cut didn't get anywhere as at the time I was pretty healthy compared to my current state, that was a few years ago. The UTIs did get pretty severe, but due to other health issues I was having, I was in the hospital a lot and would get treated for them while in for other issues. This, however, bypasses even the healthiest of people's immune system. Bacteria straight to the veins. Especially with my otherwise poor health, my body will not be able to compensate in the same ways. I'll never say my methods are sure fire. I wouldn't be writing this post if anything was, as I've survived many attempts that even doctors have said I shouldn't. But I do feel pretty confident. My next infusion appointment may be my ticket to the bus, finally. I hope so.
