So I met this woman on a dating app. The contact makes me so fucking happy. But this won't last forever. I am such a huge mess. I have to hide so much especially my suicidality. If she finds out how suicidal I was being a loner. That's an extreme red flag.
Currently, it is my full time job to text, phone and video call her. It makes me unbelievably happy. But my capacities are full. I sort of neglect some friends mildly and I barely have time anymore for my hobbies. This is not the main issue. I could imagine to quit all my hobbies. She wants that I don't know about us too much in front of my friends. But I simply cannot stay stable without that. I did not tell it her but my inner compromise is to speak at least with one friend about us. I am not sure how she would react that I talk on a suicide forum about us. I consider to tell it to her some day but if I continue like today this won't last a month.
She wants children. I could live with the compromise to adopt them. I think I could never handle the responsilbity though. But this is years ahead. Not my main issue.
I am on a hiatus from my uni till two semesters. I could live to quit college forever. I have my nursing case money and potential welfare. Tbh I could imagine to kill myself when my parents are dead anyway. Bro I almost killed myself in October.
I feel embarrassed to tell her I cannot continue college. She wants a man that can provide for her children and I am simply not that.
My mental health is so dependent on her. And today it slipped right through my mouth. I was really stressed many people texted me and I had a phone call with my potential new college.
I have one thing left on my bucket list. True romantic love and I am so fucking close to it. I way too much of a mental wreck than any woman could handle me forever. I have to do all the charade. The house of cards will fall apart eventually. Today I almost lost it because I had to fucking 3o minutes call with my potential new college. I did so much damage.
I imagine a happy and bright future with her. A happy end that we stay together till the end of time. We adopt kids and a miracle makes me financially independent. In German there is the beautiful term "zweigleisig fahren". It means to pursue a two-pronged approach. It is often meant in a sense to be in contact with two Potential partnery and if you fuck it up with one of them you have substitute. But we are too far for that I think. Yesterday I had the chance to "zweigleisig fahren" with another woman. She was manipulative and dishonest often but approached me. Me instead I burned all bridges with her.
The special thing with the woman I text with is how open and honest we communicate. And I am honest about 90% in my life. But the rest of it the 10% that would make any woman under the sun run away from in lightspeed. I have a guilty conscience. And I cannot hide these things forever. And noone will ever be able to accept me just for how I an. However, she accepted much which I did not expect any woman would accept. Maybe because I sugarcoated it.
There are red lines I am not allowed to cross. But it is very difficult which ones these are. The woman I talk with yesterday who cried because of me (I don't want her as potential partner no more) she does not have to cry I have to many bodies burrried anyway. She had to chuckle hard when I said that. Tbh if she knew 25% of the bodies in my closet she would run away immediately. Damn she even ran away when I texted her too often. Cheats emotionally on her bf and giving me these fake tears just to sabotage me and the woman from the dating app.
I think one major thing I have to hide in front of her is my suicidality. Tbh if she stops the contact I think I kill myself. She accepted too much of me. I will never find a woman again who accepts this much. I was so paranoid in front of her and by accident she knew psychotic symptoms and knew how to handle it. I think I have severe systemic issues why no woman will ever have with me a relationship over a long time.
I think when i am realistic I know that. I wish this was not the case though. I think I won't "zweigleisig fahren" and meet other woman. We are too close to a relationship. I think zweigleisig fahren means for me planning suicide as plan B. I won't order SN now. And if we breakup this might be either temporary or a product of my paranoia. But in the longrun it seems extremely unlikely that this will last. Nor will it last with any other woman. It is ridiculous. College and texting her that's impossible. Bro this 30 minutes talk and texting her almost broke my mind and I pressured her as a result and hurt her. I have to do some work for this potential new college. And I already notice how bad it is for my stability. I also cannot talk with my usual outlets because I feel like this is betraying her because she wants me not to speak about our secrets. Tbh I don't know what is actually okay with her and not.
Honestly, college starts in April. I could imagine I find an excuse I postpone it for another semester until October. Then the game is finally over. I know her since the 2nd January as I said when I continue like today it is over in the next weeks.
My point is I have one thing left on my bucket list. True romantic love and being in a relationship. I fucking want to experience that. It is so awesome my time with her. Even though it will likely have no happy end for us and end in tears and a broken heart on my side.
Tbh if this thing is done on my bucket list I am ready to kill myself. I think then I am really ready to go. When I killed myself in October this was my only remorse never to been in love. My wish would be we will stay forever together. But honestly I am such a wreck and she will notice that. I will plan a large time gap between our breakup and my suicide. Maybe I will simply ghost her and she will never know about it. I don't actually know what would be the best. It is immensly selfish of me wanting to experience love. And a part of me thinks this could save me. The odds are againist me and if she knew that it would pressure her way too hard. But how long will I be able to hide it.
I think I could look back in a more positive way when I kill myself if experience true romantic love. It would make it so much easier for me to say goodbye to this rotten world.
noname223 over (for today; maybe)
Currently, it is my full time job to text, phone and video call her. It makes me unbelievably happy. But my capacities are full. I sort of neglect some friends mildly and I barely have time anymore for my hobbies. This is not the main issue. I could imagine to quit all my hobbies. She wants that I don't know about us too much in front of my friends. But I simply cannot stay stable without that. I did not tell it her but my inner compromise is to speak at least with one friend about us. I am not sure how she would react that I talk on a suicide forum about us. I consider to tell it to her some day but if I continue like today this won't last a month.
She wants children. I could live with the compromise to adopt them. I think I could never handle the responsilbity though. But this is years ahead. Not my main issue.
I am on a hiatus from my uni till two semesters. I could live to quit college forever. I have my nursing case money and potential welfare. Tbh I could imagine to kill myself when my parents are dead anyway. Bro I almost killed myself in October.
I feel embarrassed to tell her I cannot continue college. She wants a man that can provide for her children and I am simply not that.
My mental health is so dependent on her. And today it slipped right through my mouth. I was really stressed many people texted me and I had a phone call with my potential new college.
I have one thing left on my bucket list. True romantic love and I am so fucking close to it. I way too much of a mental wreck than any woman could handle me forever. I have to do all the charade. The house of cards will fall apart eventually. Today I almost lost it because I had to fucking 3o minutes call with my potential new college. I did so much damage.
I imagine a happy and bright future with her. A happy end that we stay together till the end of time. We adopt kids and a miracle makes me financially independent. In German there is the beautiful term "zweigleisig fahren". It means to pursue a two-pronged approach. It is often meant in a sense to be in contact with two Potential partnery and if you fuck it up with one of them you have substitute. But we are too far for that I think. Yesterday I had the chance to "zweigleisig fahren" with another woman. She was manipulative and dishonest often but approached me. Me instead I burned all bridges with her.
The special thing with the woman I text with is how open and honest we communicate. And I am honest about 90% in my life. But the rest of it the 10% that would make any woman under the sun run away from in lightspeed. I have a guilty conscience. And I cannot hide these things forever. And noone will ever be able to accept me just for how I an. However, she accepted much which I did not expect any woman would accept. Maybe because I sugarcoated it.
There are red lines I am not allowed to cross. But it is very difficult which ones these are. The woman I talk with yesterday who cried because of me (I don't want her as potential partner no more) she does not have to cry I have to many bodies burrried anyway. She had to chuckle hard when I said that. Tbh if she knew 25% of the bodies in my closet she would run away immediately. Damn she even ran away when I texted her too often. Cheats emotionally on her bf and giving me these fake tears just to sabotage me and the woman from the dating app.
I think one major thing I have to hide in front of her is my suicidality. Tbh if she stops the contact I think I kill myself. She accepted too much of me. I will never find a woman again who accepts this much. I was so paranoid in front of her and by accident she knew psychotic symptoms and knew how to handle it. I think I have severe systemic issues why no woman will ever have with me a relationship over a long time.
I think when i am realistic I know that. I wish this was not the case though. I think I won't "zweigleisig fahren" and meet other woman. We are too close to a relationship. I think zweigleisig fahren means for me planning suicide as plan B. I won't order SN now. And if we breakup this might be either temporary or a product of my paranoia. But in the longrun it seems extremely unlikely that this will last. Nor will it last with any other woman. It is ridiculous. College and texting her that's impossible. Bro this 30 minutes talk and texting her almost broke my mind and I pressured her as a result and hurt her. I have to do some work for this potential new college. And I already notice how bad it is for my stability. I also cannot talk with my usual outlets because I feel like this is betraying her because she wants me not to speak about our secrets. Tbh I don't know what is actually okay with her and not.
Honestly, college starts in April. I could imagine I find an excuse I postpone it for another semester until October. Then the game is finally over. I know her since the 2nd January as I said when I continue like today it is over in the next weeks.
My point is I have one thing left on my bucket list. True romantic love and being in a relationship. I fucking want to experience that. It is so awesome my time with her. Even though it will likely have no happy end for us and end in tears and a broken heart on my side.
Tbh if this thing is done on my bucket list I am ready to kill myself. I think then I am really ready to go. When I killed myself in October this was my only remorse never to been in love. My wish would be we will stay forever together. But honestly I am such a wreck and she will notice that. I will plan a large time gap between our breakup and my suicide. Maybe I will simply ghost her and she will never know about it. I don't actually know what would be the best. It is immensly selfish of me wanting to experience love. And a part of me thinks this could save me. The odds are againist me and if she knew that it would pressure her way too hard. But how long will I be able to hide it.
I think I could look back in a more positive way when I kill myself if experience true romantic love. It would make it so much easier for me to say goodbye to this rotten world.
noname223 over (for today; maybe)
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