This gonna be a long one.
Crazy day today. I thought many many hours about my crush at college. My thoughts were kind of manic and somewhat psychotic. My brain thinks then I was centre of the universe. She would like me etc. It is more likely she considers me weird or sort of insane. I talked with my friends about it and their feedback helped to get back on earth. But I crashed somewhat brutally. Pretty severe depression though the paranoid/manic thoughts still manifest themselves sometimes.
I developed huge issues with eye contact in the past. And the story connects with the notion I was the centre of the universe. I was acute suicidal in a clinic several years ago. I was in extreme pain and very suicidal. The professionals were kind of overwhelmed by my pain and my obsession about suicide. A thing happened. I tried partial hanging it was no attempt but the staff were shocked when I reported it to them. Suddenly the atmosphere changed and my relation to the staff too. Then they took me serious. I noticed how they distanced themselves from me. And this hurt me extremely. This kind of traumatized me. I was very vulnerable and then to experience that others give the hope up in you hurt me pretty much. The religious but very kind and patient psychologist made an emotional statement about the value of life and that I am the only one who decides on that. It sounded pretty empathetic and I think such a statement could help many suicidal people who are only in a temporary crisis with some hope left. But people who are in a similar trouble than me...such statements do not help much. I noticed how the people stopped looking into my eyes when they gave me up. It was probably somewhat paranoid but this incident shaped my thinking a very long time. I got pretty huge problems to look people straight into the eyes after that. I had the feeling I need to protect the people who interact with me. I don't think there is any real substantial hope left for me and in the end I will commit suicide. These thoughts were pretty much on my mind for a long time. I turned pretty socially awkward because of that. I was unable to look people straight into the eyes for a long time. However also a low self-confidence and chronic suicidal thoughts caused that.
Well I recovered from that social awkwardness. I am able to have eye contact like a normal person again. How did this recovery happen? I had behavioral psychotherapy and went to college. We trained in theory and practially in unversity to regain that social skill. And I realized my lapse of logic during that time period. I don't need to protect strangers from me committing suicide. They don't give a shit. Lol. How could I be so naive? Lmao. I mean when someone jumps in front of the train most people are rather annoyed that their return to home is delayed. A human life is not worth a lot if you don't know the person for a long time.
I think my family and friends will care about my suicide. I don't argue against that. But the amount of people who will be heartbroken is very limited. I have a certain person in my support network. Some time ago she replaced the job of someone else. So my relationship with the first person in that position was not that good. I was extremely depressed and suicidal to that time and I had to hide it in front of her. She should help me to get a job but I was well-aware that with my condition this was nothing more than a naive dream. I was pretty suicidal and because of that I had big problems to look her in the eye. As I said she was replaced after some time. Here you can see another logic fallacy of mine. Most people with whom I interact will never learn that I ctb. To have an impact on them I had to do it while being in interactions with them. Most of the people will forget me and never think again about me. So avoiding the eye contact was pretty unecessary.
Something that I found pretty interesting happened to me. I recently had a meeting with the new person in my support network. We have a way better relationship also due to the fact I am somewhat functional. I can have eye contact with her without any problems. The story is complicated but she knew I am currently struggling as fuck and she might suspected that I was suicidal. I realized the latter one only after the meeting. I contacted a psychologist and he probably told her to check whether my suicidality is very acute. Now when I think about it. I think she was a little bit scared and it was tough for her to look me so deep in the eyes for a long time. Still I should not give a fuck about that. She will never learn about my extreme inner pain, the desperation, abuse story etc. She interpreted my humor as a good sign. Well I am often joking a lot when I am acute suicidal. My lesson is: even if it is tough for people to look me in the eye for a while they will forget that 5 minutes afterwards anyway. Except the case I commit suicide right afterwards. It is not worth to be perceived as weird for the naive idea to protect people. Most people have a childish media narrative in their mind when they read or listen about suicidality. Temporary reasons, can always be fixed with medication and talking. Well I am chronically suicidal since a decade all that shit did not help for me. I still wanna die.
I think I am just too much of a good person in this instance probably too naive. Like lately with this bipolar girl. I was always there for her. She opened up about her struggle. We talked way more about her problems than mine. And then when I opened up about serious and persistent suicidal thoughts she ghosted me. I could imagine it is similar with the crush I have. I complimented her and I think it boosted her self-confidence which I wanted. Though I have the feeling she considers me mental now because I acted weird in another interaction with her.
I don't want to say noone cares about my suicide. There will be people who will be hurt a lot. Though this mindset on strangers is just naive. I think one therapist will be heartbroken. Though I have met other therapists who forgot me when I walked out of the door 5 minutes after they gave me up. I have too much expectations on strangers. We all live in our own world. Everyone is primarily focused on themselves. My illness teaches me that. I think other people would bully, hate, love me etc. The truth is most people don't give a shit about me. And they barely think about my well-being, my hope, my dreams, my struggles, my awkwardness, my desperation etc.
I think this vent helped. I hoped it would be more sophisticated but well the emotional relief was also very good for me. The thing I like about this forum. Giving me a voice is kind of empowering. It is a sign of protest. Showing the society which does not give a shit on me the middle finger. Documenting all the cruel experiences I had to endure while they posture themselves as fighters for human rights, equality, human life and ethical values.
Crazy day today. I thought many many hours about my crush at college. My thoughts were kind of manic and somewhat psychotic. My brain thinks then I was centre of the universe. She would like me etc. It is more likely she considers me weird or sort of insane. I talked with my friends about it and their feedback helped to get back on earth. But I crashed somewhat brutally. Pretty severe depression though the paranoid/manic thoughts still manifest themselves sometimes.
I developed huge issues with eye contact in the past. And the story connects with the notion I was the centre of the universe. I was acute suicidal in a clinic several years ago. I was in extreme pain and very suicidal. The professionals were kind of overwhelmed by my pain and my obsession about suicide. A thing happened. I tried partial hanging it was no attempt but the staff were shocked when I reported it to them. Suddenly the atmosphere changed and my relation to the staff too. Then they took me serious. I noticed how they distanced themselves from me. And this hurt me extremely. This kind of traumatized me. I was very vulnerable and then to experience that others give the hope up in you hurt me pretty much. The religious but very kind and patient psychologist made an emotional statement about the value of life and that I am the only one who decides on that. It sounded pretty empathetic and I think such a statement could help many suicidal people who are only in a temporary crisis with some hope left. But people who are in a similar trouble than me...such statements do not help much. I noticed how the people stopped looking into my eyes when they gave me up. It was probably somewhat paranoid but this incident shaped my thinking a very long time. I got pretty huge problems to look people straight into the eyes after that. I had the feeling I need to protect the people who interact with me. I don't think there is any real substantial hope left for me and in the end I will commit suicide. These thoughts were pretty much on my mind for a long time. I turned pretty socially awkward because of that. I was unable to look people straight into the eyes for a long time. However also a low self-confidence and chronic suicidal thoughts caused that.
Well I recovered from that social awkwardness. I am able to have eye contact like a normal person again. How did this recovery happen? I had behavioral psychotherapy and went to college. We trained in theory and practially in unversity to regain that social skill. And I realized my lapse of logic during that time period. I don't need to protect strangers from me committing suicide. They don't give a shit. Lol. How could I be so naive? Lmao. I mean when someone jumps in front of the train most people are rather annoyed that their return to home is delayed. A human life is not worth a lot if you don't know the person for a long time.
I think my family and friends will care about my suicide. I don't argue against that. But the amount of people who will be heartbroken is very limited. I have a certain person in my support network. Some time ago she replaced the job of someone else. So my relationship with the first person in that position was not that good. I was extremely depressed and suicidal to that time and I had to hide it in front of her. She should help me to get a job but I was well-aware that with my condition this was nothing more than a naive dream. I was pretty suicidal and because of that I had big problems to look her in the eye. As I said she was replaced after some time. Here you can see another logic fallacy of mine. Most people with whom I interact will never learn that I ctb. To have an impact on them I had to do it while being in interactions with them. Most of the people will forget me and never think again about me. So avoiding the eye contact was pretty unecessary.
Something that I found pretty interesting happened to me. I recently had a meeting with the new person in my support network. We have a way better relationship also due to the fact I am somewhat functional. I can have eye contact with her without any problems. The story is complicated but she knew I am currently struggling as fuck and she might suspected that I was suicidal. I realized the latter one only after the meeting. I contacted a psychologist and he probably told her to check whether my suicidality is very acute. Now when I think about it. I think she was a little bit scared and it was tough for her to look me so deep in the eyes for a long time. Still I should not give a fuck about that. She will never learn about my extreme inner pain, the desperation, abuse story etc. She interpreted my humor as a good sign. Well I am often joking a lot when I am acute suicidal. My lesson is: even if it is tough for people to look me in the eye for a while they will forget that 5 minutes afterwards anyway. Except the case I commit suicide right afterwards. It is not worth to be perceived as weird for the naive idea to protect people. Most people have a childish media narrative in their mind when they read or listen about suicidality. Temporary reasons, can always be fixed with medication and talking. Well I am chronically suicidal since a decade all that shit did not help for me. I still wanna die.
I think I am just too much of a good person in this instance probably too naive. Like lately with this bipolar girl. I was always there for her. She opened up about her struggle. We talked way more about her problems than mine. And then when I opened up about serious and persistent suicidal thoughts she ghosted me. I could imagine it is similar with the crush I have. I complimented her and I think it boosted her self-confidence which I wanted. Though I have the feeling she considers me mental now because I acted weird in another interaction with her.
I don't want to say noone cares about my suicide. There will be people who will be hurt a lot. Though this mindset on strangers is just naive. I think one therapist will be heartbroken. Though I have met other therapists who forgot me when I walked out of the door 5 minutes after they gave me up. I have too much expectations on strangers. We all live in our own world. Everyone is primarily focused on themselves. My illness teaches me that. I think other people would bully, hate, love me etc. The truth is most people don't give a shit about me. And they barely think about my well-being, my hope, my dreams, my struggles, my awkwardness, my desperation etc.
I think this vent helped. I hoped it would be more sophisticated but well the emotional relief was also very good for me. The thing I like about this forum. Giving me a voice is kind of empowering. It is a sign of protest. Showing the society which does not give a shit on me the middle finger. Documenting all the cruel experiences I had to endure while they posture themselves as fighters for human rights, equality, human life and ethical values.
