Less suicidal, more angry. Is it a bad trade off?

[KadathianStr1d3r]

I'm feeling way less suicidal when I first joined this site due to my workout regimens and new prescription drugs yet I feel a tinge of change in my overall personality, I stopped caring about other people's feelings.
I'm way more confident yet angry at the same time, I've become the brutish stoic asshole as commonly seen in 80's hypermasculine anime shows and my new persona has greatly distance me from other people that I now view as being 'parasitic figures' that waste my time.
I've become just another asshole with a new taste for alcohol and a heightened sense of consciousness, I'm also super sexually frustrated yet I also upped my standards so i won't breed with subhuman trash, I don't care what anybody says but I call them subhumans due to their personalitys/ income/ physical features, not their genetics.
Whatchu guys think? Is this a bad trade off or a good one? Lemme know whatchu think?

 

[Mr2005]

Great for you shit for everyone else from the sound of it

 

[KadathianStr1d3r]

Great for you shit for everyone else from the sound of it

Thanks dude, I hope things are going great for you too.
I don't treat suicidal people like shit, it's not in my nature and neither is it healthy at all, I want to be able to go sleep soundly at night knowing I didn't caused somebody to ctb. Better to heal my fellow suicidal minded brethren than to be part of the problem of being nothing but a drone of hate that preach bs.
I hope you're doing well :)

 

[Thanatos]

I've felt about the same before. My anger made me happier and more care free but I just ended up in a worse spot and am back to ctb

 

[KadathianStr1d3r]

I've felt about the same before. My anger made me happier and more care free but I just ended up in a worse spot and am back to ctb

How do you end up in a worst spot after the anger fades?
I keep myself angry everyday and use my thoughts to promote self gains in terms of physical activity, it makes me feel hardy and whole dude
I'm mentally ill still yet I am now in control of what it does to me.
Feeling depressed I pack some weight and go on power hikes which make me feel better once I reach the top of peaks sweaty as fuck yet feeling warm inside, feeling something warm in your soul is great.
I also suffer from anxiety yet now I pretend to be some stoic statue and focus more on what posture I am maintaining in order to give off the chiseled statute look which to me makes me feel hard as a rock, when i feel like a rock I can't care at all about what people think of me, only if I am the rock or not.

 

[Sensei]

It sounds like you're on a path to recovery. If you trample a few assholes on the way it's just a bonus.

 

[palatinus]

I've generally had to balance anxiety (a function of which is anger) with depression, or as we say here: suicidality.

No one can make this decision but the individual suffering.

 

[Thanatos]

How do you end up in a worst spot after the anger fades?
I keep myself angry everyday and use my thoughts to promote self gains in terms of physical activity, it makes me feel hardy and whole dude
I'm mentally ill still yet I am now in control of what it does to me.
Feeling depressed I pack some weight and go on power hikes which make me feel better once I reach the top of peaks sweaty as fuck yet feeling warm inside, feeling something warm in your soul is great.
I also suffer from anxiety yet now I pretend to be some stoic statue and focus more on what posture I am maintaining in order to give off the chiseled statute look which to me makes me feel hard as a rock, when i feel like a rock I can't care at all about what people think of me, only if I am the rock or not.

I hated myself for some of things I did carefree. Then it just went downhill for me. I'm still very angry but I dont let it control me. Hope things work better for you

 

[thehungerartist]

I want to check out because I care too much so I guess not caring at all is better...I assume. Can't relate but I wish I could

 

[TAW122]

Mr2005 has a point, and in the past, yes anger and rage have pulled me out of a stupor, a deep funk, depression, w/e you want to call it. There is a trade off too though and it's stress and tiring out mentally and physically from all that anger, especially after it dissipates. I suppose one could be perpetually angry but even then there is likely times where your body just can't handle it anymore and your anger subsides for a short time.

 

[GoodPersonEffed]

Except for the alcohol, this is a natural progression and shows growth and mental/emotional health. The alcohol I would guess has roots in how you're allowed to be okay. You don't really need it anymore. If you're into 12 steps, this might be a good time to go to an AA meeting or to Al-Anon if you had parents who were alcoholics, users, or abusive. I'm not fully a fan of 12 step, especially the self-blame and cultishness of AA, but it has its benefits.

Anger often indicates boundaries have been or are being violated. You are getting back your strength, and your will and ability to protect yourself. Hence the rejection of the parasitic. Anger is a great motivator as long as it's used as a guide rather than given the reins.

I highly recommend the book Boundaries, this would be a great time to read it if you're so inclined. The authors sometimes act like their shit doesn't stink, and they do a lot of mental gymnastics to make the psychological be biblical, but other than that it's a damn fine book with great perspectives and advice. I'm really happy to hear you're growing in strength and self-protection. If you read the book, you'll see this is an important phase. In time you'll soften up a bit, for now youve had healing and your boundaries need to be strong so you can feel them and use them.

That's my perspective anyway.

 

[Bandzbandz]

First of all, I would like to commend you for getting yourself out of that suicidal headspace. It is NOT an easy thing to do, and if you can get yourself out of your own darkness, then anything is possible.
With the anger thing, be patient with yourself. I have learned not to trust my emotions and my mind , and have begun to "parent" myself (as rationally as I can). A lot of the things that I used to tell myself when I was suicidal (along with my feelings) were things that I was not able to trust or assert to be true. Self-awareness is key - saying to myself "is this worth my time, emotional, and physical energy?" the answer with most things in life - is probably no. If youre angry about something that you have no control over, then, it's probably just wasting time and energy as well. Challenging my thoughts and feelings has helped me a lot. Please PM if you need anything else.

 

[KadathianStr1d3r]

Mr2005 has a point, and in the past, yes anger and rage have pulled me out of a stupor, a deep funk, depression, w/e you want to call it. There is a trade off too though and it's stress and tiring out mentally and physically from all that anger, especially after it dissipates. I suppose one could be perpetually angry but even then there is likely times where your body just can't handle it anymore and your anger subsides for a short time.

True words, anger is really taxing and needs time to rest before going through with another stage. I do my best to keep myself busy inbetween states and I guess it works for some stupid primordial reason I guess.
I'm also working towards becoming a writer too so please check out my thread on (offtopic), I could use any help. Thanks!

 

[Beautiful_Disgrace]

It's much more easier to be angry and uncaring for sure. I feel like there's no point in wasting empathy and emotions on people who don't deserve them. I say as long as you aren't intentionally hurting anyone, you're fine.

 

[noaccount]

Being more angry is good. But being more invested in oppressive structures of treating other people as subhuman is pretty disgusting.

 

[KadathianStr1d3r]

Being more angry is good. But being more invested in oppressive structures of treating other people as subhuman is pretty disgusting.

Indeed it is, trying to break away from that mindset thought so it's all good

 

[Esc9434]

Testosterone.

 

[Ms.Anthrope]

my new persona has greatly distance me from other people that I now view as being 'parasitic figures' that waste my time.

How did you view these people before? It's entirely possible you've been surrounded by "users" for a long time. This new attitude may be a healthy response to toxic people who've been draining you.

There seems to be an interesting connection between suicidal ideation and homicidal ideation. Which of these inverted ideas you engage in likely depends on where you place your anger and blame - yourself or others.

 

[timf]

If one has felt at the whim of circumstance, it would be understandable to push back and assert control over one's environment. This natural and defensive reaction might at first seem heavy handed. But as a survival mechanism it is understandable.

The next step on the journey would be to experiment with connecting with others in a way that avoids being dragged down, but also cultivates that which builds up.