Less pain for relatives by isolation

[Alessa]

This thread adresses people who care about their relatives and friends they leave behind when they commit suicide. I want to discuss with suicidals, who also try to find a way to make the pain of loss for the relatives and friends as little as possible.

My way to achieve that, is to isolate myself as much as possible. It is one year now that I managed to cancel contact to all my friends and 'til this point, it became clear that they got used to it and don't care about my condition anymore. In the first six months they tried to stay in contact and showed me, that they do care about me, that they didn't want to lose me as a friend, but I stayed consequent and distant in my emotional expression. One of my friends is disappointed and might feel very angry about me, but its fine. He won't feel sad or devastated and that's the way to go. They might feel surprised or shocked, when they'll find out, but Iam sure they won't feel affected that much, at least not as much as they would have one year ago.
I had no friends since then, only people online I chat with and they know about my plans, so its different.

I cancelled contact to my brother 6 years ago and he doesn't give a shit anymore about me. It wasn't about my suicidal thoughts though, there was another reason. In the first year it hurted him so much. Over the years his feelings turned from disappointment to hatred and ended into complete disinterest. He doesn't give a shit anymore , but feels still a little bit angry about me. He will be shocked, but Iam 100%sure, that it won't affect him too much. He will be able to continue his life without much problems.

It was way harder to cancel contact to my mother. I always had a very deep relationship to her. It is now 2 and half months since I saw her the last time. She is still suffering to accept that I want to be alone and don't want to see her. We had another discussion about that in telegram last week, but I managed to stay emotionally distant and acted somehow like a mother, that tries to explain her child, that she needs to accept it. It was a weird conversation... but it was important. We didn't talk for about 4 weeks, then she kept trying again, then again another month until the next try. She will keep on trying to stay in contact and I guess it will be even harder when christmas is about to approach, then my birthday in february... But Iam sure, that time can heal all wounds and she will get used to me not being around. Iam sure that our mind works like that and that isolation can be successful to reduce the pain of loss.

I dated my time to ctb at may next year. It will be 8 months then since I haven't seen my mother and I fear that this won't be not long enough. I could stretch it somehow 'til summer I guess, but I don't want to to be honest. Spring feels like the best time to do it.
I try to establish new contacts, because it's unbearable to stay in total isolation, it really kills me and not in a good way. It is not contradictory when I tell these new contacts about my plans, it also worked here on this platform. It's best for sure, when these contacts are suicidals themselves, so they can empathise much easier. But yes, it would be perfect to have somebody near around, I can meet with in reallife, but yes, I know that it's risky to meet someone from this website in reallife.

However, what do you think about isolating? Do you think it will make it easier for relatives to overcome your death? Do you think it would be important to meet with them again for one last time before you CTB, just to "say goodbye"? Or would that contradict the intention of isolation? Will it be enough to write a letter and let them have it after you CTB? Or would you even refrain of writing a last letter? Do you think it will be even harder for your relatives, when they did not have the chance to enjoy the last moments with you? Will it be easier to overcome pain of loss when your relatives are kinda disappointed about you or will it be easier when they can be around and enjoy the final moments with you?

It is NOT easy to answer these questions, when you think subjectively about it... Please try to judge as objectively as possible, even if you prefer to stay with your relatives and reject isolation! I told my best friend about it before I cancelled contact to her one year ago and I KNOW, it would have been terrible for her to overcome the loss by death. She really cried a lot and couldn't imagine being without me. But now, she didn't contact me anymore for over 7 months and its quite clear she found a way to manage with me not being around. My importance for her life has successfully vanished and that shows me, that it was easier this way. Losing someone who decides to isolate doesn't hurt as much as losing someone who died. Most people aren't able to handle death the way we suicidals do. It is the most terrible thing to imagine for them and therefore it's not odd to think that isolation is the way to ease the pain for others.

I'm excited to read about your opinions.

 

[Alessa]

Really? Noone? Not even a single opinion?

 

[Glandular]

I think that strategy works for friends and more distant relationships. But closer relatives and partners will suffer more because, as you said, they wonder why that distancing is happening. Partially ghosting someone can be more hurtful than just passing on.
I struggle with the same problem and so far I've distanced myself from friends but I kept my close relationships more or less the same.

 

[WAITING TO DIE]

Yes, I totally agree that isolating yourself from others is a good strategy to take because the less contact you have with someone, the more emotionally distant you become.
The phrase " out of sight, out of mind " makes me think that the less people see of you, the less they will think of you, therfore weakening emotional bonds.
I have isolated myself from my family and am now basically a stranger to them, not that they care much about me anyway.
I will however leave them a note when the time comes to delete my existence.

 

[kwazeetech]

I have been working on that for a while now. I have no more friends, at least none that care. My siblings have been estranged for a long time now due to other stupid crap that they cared more about than a relationship. They are not very nice people anyway.
I also only worry about my mother and my son. My mother is in poor health and elderly so it won't be much longer anyway so I have decided to hold out as long as I can to reduce her having to deal with it.
I have struggled with how to handle my son. I'm divorced and he lives with his mom but we are pretty close (i see him alot and we camp, hike etc) and is almost finished with high school so he is at least not very young. I am hoping to help him with college expenses, etc by selling everything and leaving him money to get his life going but waiting until Child support is done so his mom doesn't take it all for herself.
I think I'm actually in a good situation now by spending the time for a few years to work things out to reduce my effect on the world. I have made plenty of mistakes that I've learned won't be forgiven. I have also been gravely hurt emotionally by the actions of some people that I can't even believe I'm still here. I look forward to ending my life and have planned well enough to be able to go away quietly.

 

[stepz]

Definitely agree, I've adopted the same strategy. Little difference in the lack of contact when your alive and lack of contact when your not.

 

[Saxenomorph]

I'm trying to do the same things you did but it's kinda impossible for me. Thankfully my father left the house recently but mother is still here, and i'm too broke to even rent myself a house. Also none of my friends asked me if i'm okay when i stopped messaging them so at least that part is done (can't say i wasn't disappointed when they stopped caring about me so easily lol)

 

[sash]

Hi
I distanced myself for different reasons than you before I ctb. March was the last few online ppl, gaming friends for 3 years every weekend on the chat, that was hard, they'd unknowingly kept me going for longer. I have 1 irl fam left but I walked away from him for 2 years with no contact so no problem there.
I feel no guilt about my family, a little for ex-friends, if they find out, (hope they dont tho) because I have detached myself so the connection with them has gone for me.

My death will be forgotten quicker than if I had gone bonkers in the supermarket..

 

[ManByTheRiver]

Really? Noone? Not even a single opinion?

I am of the opinion that it won't lessen the blow in the slightest. They'll see that you did it to CTB in peace, and be hurt even more. They'll feel like they were robbed of all that time before you died, and also robbed of the chance to help you.

 

[Alessa]

First of all: Thanks for replying! I had been shocked to see my thread disappearing in the depths of this plattform without being reacted to. That didn't feel so good... Iam glad, that so many people shared their opinions, I really appreciate that, a little highlight for me today...

I think that strategy works for friends and more distant relationships. But closer relatives and partners will suffer more because, as you said, they wonder why that distancing is happening. Partially ghosting someone can be more hurtful than just passing on.
I struggle with the same problem and so far I've distanced myself from friends but I kept my close relationships more or less the same.

I understand and I kinda agree. But there are several examples where this kinda worked. My mother had a feud with her elder sister 15 years ago. When she passed away 5 years later, my mother wasn't affected that much, despite the fact that her own sister died. She was a bit sad, that she felt that way about a passing relative and that she didn't have the chance to say goodbye, but that was all she felt. She did not even cry and forgot quite fast about her passing away. My brother is the other example as I mentioned, but yes, there is still a difference when you lose your own child I guess. But Iam sure that it will help at least a bit to isolate from her, there is clearly an effect of isolation recognizable.

Yes, I totally agree that isolating yourself from others is a good strategy to take because the less contact you have with someone, the more emotionally distant you become.
The phrase " out of sight, out of mind " makes me think that the less people see of you, the less they will think of you, therfore weakening emotional bonds.
I have isolated myself from my family and am now basically a stranger to them, not that they care much about me anyway.
I will however leave them a note when the time comes to delete my existence.

That sums it up pretty good, thank you for encouraging me! I will do it like you and write a letter where I will explain in detail why I decided to isolate. It's important to leave them without having any doubts. "They" (its only my mother to be honest) should not think they could have helped me anyway.

I have been working on that for a while now. I have no more friends, at least none that care. My siblings have been estranged for a long time now due to other stupid crap that they cared more about than a relationship. They are not very nice people anyway.
I also only worry about my mother and my son. My mother is in poor health and elderly so it won't be much longer anyway so I have decided to hold out as long as I can to reduce her having to deal with it.
I have struggled with how to handle my son. I'm divorced and he lives with his mom but we are pretty close (i see him alot and we camp, hike etc) and is almost finished with high school so he is at least not very young. I am hoping to help him with college expenses, etc by selling everything and leaving him money to get his life going but waiting until Child support is done so his mom doesn't take it all for herself.
I think I'm actually in a good situation now by spending the time for a few years to work things out to reduce my effect on the world. I have made plenty of mistakes that I've learned won't be forgiven. I have also been gravely hurt emotionally by the actions of some people that I can't even believe I'm still here. I look forward to ending my life and have planned well enough to be able to go away quietly.

You know, concerning suicide it might be advantageous to struggle with your own family, at least something you don't have to worry about. It is also honorable to continue your life and endure the pain until your mother passes away. I also thought about doing so, but she will turn 70 next year and won't die in the next years for sure... In addition to that, I don't have much time to waste when I want to CTB peacefully, so for this one time, I claim my peaceful salvation to be more important than her grief about my loss. I feel still guilty of course. Concerning your son: Of course there is a responsibility you have. It is always cruel to CTB, when you have children, but as you said, when child support is done, your life becomes highest priority again and you should also have the right to decide about your own life or death. You are very considerate about your mother and son, that is really nice. I also save money, so that noone has to deal with the financial stuff I leave behind, funeral etc., 10000 € should be enough.

Definitely agree, I've adopted the same strategy. Little difference in the lack of contact when your alive and lack of contact when your not.

Thank you so much for the reply. :) If anyone of you guys should be interested in contacting me, please feel free.

I'm trying to do the same things you did but it's kinda impossible for me. Thankfully my father left the house recently but mother is still here, and i'm too broke to even rent myself a house. Also none of my friends asked me if i'm okay when i stopped messaging them so at least that part is done (can't say i wasn't disappointed when they stopped caring about me so easily lol)

I see... :/ I had to live two years in my moms flat as well recently before I cancelled contact, so I know how that feels... This will be difficult of course, bit you might find another way to isolate, don't give up.

Hi
I distanced myself for different reasons than you before I ctb. March was the last few online ppl, gaming friends for 3 years every weekend on the chat, that was hard, they'd unknowingly kept me going for longer. I have 1 irl fam left but I walked away from him for 2 years with no contact so no problem there.
I feel no guilt about my family, a little for ex-friends, if they find out, (hope they dont tho) because I have detached myself so the connection with them has gone for me.

My death will be forgotten quicker than if I had gone bonkers in the supermarket..

As I said to the other user, concerning CTB, you can feel quite relieved, that you don't have a good connection to your family. It makes it much harder to isolate and leave. Your last sentence is sad and helpful in the same time. Well, what does life mean anyway? We are nothing in the greater picture, so who cares... I feel you though and kinda wished that life cared more about me.
I love gaming by the way. It's the best way to escape reality and forget about my terrible life. Feel free about contacting me. I'd like to know which kind of games you play. :)

I am of the opinion that it won't lessen the blow in the slightest. They'll see that you did it to CTB in peace, and be hurt even more. They'll feel like they were robbed of all that time before you died, and also robbed of the chance to help you.

To be honest, it's egoistic to feel forced to handle your life differently just because others could get hurt. It is my life, that Iam forced to live and I never volunteered in doing so. It is not my responsibility to make it easier for others when Iam suffering in endless pain, nobody has to live the life I live. Concerning that I already feel considerate enough to make their pain of loss easier by isolating myself which feels like torture at times for me. I don't do that for myself, I do it for them. And of course I will let them know that they never had the chance to change anything about that. I will make sure, nobody will feel guilty about my decision. Death and suicide aren't anything "bad", it can be salvation, peace and a happy ending. I will do my best to let them know about that. That I died in a peaceful way and chose the best solution for me. They should feel happy for me, that I can finally rest in peace. They don't own me... it is not robbery. But thanks for sharing your opinion. :)

To the isolating users out there: Feel free to contact me. It's funny to say, but isolating together is easier. ;)
Thanks a lot for sharing your opinions.

 

[avaruus]

Yes, definetly. I have not seen my parents in over a year (since the creation of this SaSu account) but i made the mistake by seeing them again a couple days ago, here is a thread about that:

Fuck, just saw my parents last time

It's 8:30AM where i am, i haven't slept all night... at 3am i took 130ug lsd blotter and 300mg of pregabalin and started just walking into the night, maybe i was just wanting to find a final reason to live or something, i don't know why i left to just walk around into the night. But then at...

sanctioned-suicide.net

I kinda wish i didn't, they would have gotten used to me not being around, but now i think i gave them false hope or something.
But it's kinda nice thing to show them your face for the one last time, so honeslty... i don't know.

 

[lopsidedcrawdad1]

First of all: Thanks for replying! I had been shocked to see my thread disappearing in the depths of this plattform without being reacted to. That didn't feel so good... Iam glad, that so many people shared their opinions, I really appreciate that, a little highlight for me today...


I understand and I kinda agree. But there are several examples where this kinda worked. My mother had a feud with her elder sister 15 years ago. When she passed away 5 years later, my mother wasn't affected that much, despite the fact that her own sister died. She was a bit sad, that she felt that way about a passing relative and that she didn't have the chance to say goodbye, but that was all she felt. She did not even cry and forgot quite fast about her passing away. My brother is the other example as I mentioned, but yes, there is still a difference when you lose your own child I guess. But Iam sure that it will help at least a bit to isolate from her, there is clearly an effect of isolation recognizable.



That sums it up pretty good, thank you for encouraging me! I will do it like you and write a letter where I will explain in detail why I decided to isolate. It's important to leave them without having any doubts. "They" (its only my mother to be honest) should not think they could have helped me anyway.



You know, concerning suicide it might be advantageous to struggle with your own family, at least something you don't have to worry about. It is also honorable to continue your life and endure the pain until your mother passes away. I also thought about doing so, but she will turn 70 next year and won't die in the next years for sure... In addition to that, I don't have much time to waste when I want to CTB peacefully, so for this one time, I claim my peaceful salvation to be more important than her grief about my loss. I feel still guilty of course. Concerning your son: Of course there is a responsibility you have. It is always cruel to CTB, when you have children, but as you said, when child support is done, your life becomes highest priority again and you should also have the right to decide about your own life or death. You are very considerate about your mother and son, that is really nice. I also save money, so that noone has to deal with the financial stuff I leave behind, funeral etc., 10000 € should be enough.



Thank you so much for the reply. :) If anyone of you guys should be interested in contacting me, please feel free.



I see... :/ I had to live two years in my moms flat as well recently before I cancelled contact, so I know how that feels... This will be difficult of course, bit you might find another way to isolate, don't give up.



As I said to the other user, concerning CTB, you can feel quite relieved, that you don't have a good connection to your family. It makes it much harder to isolate and leave. Your last sentence is sad and helpful in the same time. Well, what does life mean anyway? We are nothing in the greater picture, so who cares... I feel you though and kinda wished that life cared more about me.
I love gaming by the way. It's the best way to escape reality and forget about my terrible life. Feel free about contacting me. I'd like to know which kind of games you play. :)



To be honest, it's egoistic to feel forced to handle your life differently just because others could get hurt. It is my life, that Iam forced to live and I never volunteered in doing so. It is not my responsibility to make it easier for others when Iam suffering in endless pain, nobody has to live the life I live. Concerning that I already feel considerate enough to make their pain of loss easier by isolating myself which feels like torture at times for me. I don't do that for myself, I do it for them. And of course I will let them know that they never had the chance to change anything about that. I will make sure, nobody will feel guilty about my decision. Death and suicide aren't anything "bad", it can be salvation, peace and a happy ending. I will do my best to let them know about that. That I died in a peaceful way and chose the best solution for me. They should feel happy for me, that I can finally rest in peace. They don't own me... it is not robbery. But thanks for sharing your opinion. :)

To the isolating users out there: Feel free to contact me. It's funny to say, but isolating together is easier. ;)
Thanks a lot for sharing your opinions.

I dont mean this to criticize you or your choice at all in saying this but thats really heartbreaking hearing that your mother is 70 and that you just cant have contact with her anymore. I calmly told my mom the other night that I was going to kill myself within the next few months and my reasons for needing to do so. She broke down sobbing and it was probably the worst feeling ever. I hate that doing this has to hurt other people

 

[Alessa]

Yes, definetly. I have not seen my parents in over a year (since the creation of this SaSu account) but i made the mistake by seeing them again a couple days ago, here is a thread about that:

Fuck, just saw my parents last time

It's 8:30AM where i am, i haven't slept all night... at 3am i took 130ug lsd blotter and 300mg of pregabalin and started just walking into the night, maybe i was just wanting to find a final reason to live or something, i don't know why i left to just walk around into the night. But then at...

sanctioned-suicide.net

I kinda wish i didn't, they would have gotten used to me not being around, but now i think i gave them false hope or something.
But it's kinda nice thing to show them your face for the one last time, so honeslty... i don't know.

Hi avaruus,
thanks for sharing your topic, Iam going to read it now. :)
I feel you... I had a similar experience, when I needed to text her on telegram. I didn't see her and I managed to stay as distant as possible, but still, I wanted to avoid any contact.
Don't mind too much about the encounter. Iam sure that doesn't change too much, but I need to read the topic first and will answer there. :)

I dont mean this to criticize you or your choice at all in saying this but thats really heartbreaking hearing that your mother is 70 and that you just cant have contact with her anymore. I calmly told my mom the other night that I was going to kill myself within the next few months and my reasons for needing to do so. She broke down sobbing and it was probably the worst feeling ever. I hate that doing this has to hurt other people

Sry for doubleposting. I did not see your response. :(
I totally agree, there is no perfect solution! I know what Iam doing to her right now and Iam happy that she still has contact to my brother and his family. She is not alone and will be supported by him, but yes, she still suffers a lot by not having me around. But I don't see a better way to help her to overcome my upcoming disappearance, plus... I talked to her a lot about my thoughts on commiting suicide. All those discussions lead to nothing but feuds and tears without any solution. I really tried my best to explain her everything, but well.. it was like discussing with a child, it didn't make any sense. In addition to that, she would DEFINETELY report my when Iam going to tell her about a dated plan and that is WAY too risky for me.

 

[lopsidedcrawdad1]

Hi avaruus,
thanks for sharing your topic, Iam going to read it now. :)
I feel you... I had a similar experience, when I needed to text her on telegram. I didn't see her and I managed to stay as distant as possible, but still, I wanted to avoid any contact.
Don't mind too much about the encounter. Iam sure that doesn't change too much, but I need to read the topic first and will answer there. :)

Sry for doubleposting. I did not see your response. :(
I totally agree, there is no perfect solution! I know what Iam doing to her right now and Iam happy that she still has contact to my brother and his family. She is not alone and will be supported by him, but yes, she still suffers a lot by not having me around. But I don't see a better way to help her to overcome my upcoming disappearance, plus... I talked to her a lot about my thoughts on commiting suicide. All those discussions lead to nothing but feuds and tears without any solution. I really tried my best to explain her everything, but well.. it was like discussing with a child, it didn't make any sense. In addition to that, she would DEFINETELY report my when Iam going to tell her about a dated plan and that is WAY too risky for me.

Thats good that shes still close with your brother. I agree that there really isnt a better way.

 

[experimentee]

I'm glad you started this discussion. I've also stopped or significantly reduced contact with everyone, including the people closest to me. One of the aims of this was to ensure my passing would not hurt them as much. I had wondered if this was a good strategy so it's nice to see all the different views expressed in this thread. After reading them, I'm encouraged to continue with the strategy of maintaining emotional distance from everyone.

 

[Forever Sleep]

For me, it's kind of naturally happened anyway. I live hundreds of miles away from friends and family now. Many of them have young children and busy lives. I expect it would kind of still be a shock but then- most of my closest friends have known I've always had ideation- so- it shouldn't be a complete surprise. I do want to hang on for my Dad to go first. He is the last person I think it would really affect.

I guess it depends on the person's situation. If they were very sociable and had friends and family around them a lot, it's likely going to be much more difficult to just cut them off.

 

[Alessa]

I'm glad you started this discussion. I've also stopped or significantly reduced contact with everyone, including the people closest to me. One of the aims of this was to ensure my passing would not hurt them as much. I had wondered if this was a good strategy so it's nice to see all the different views expressed in this thread. After reading them, I'm encouraged to continue with the strategy of maintaining emotional distance from everyone.

Iam glad, that also others can profit of this discussion. :) It is really important to think about something like that when you care about the ones you love and want to hurt as less as possible. Maybe it's easier for us when we support each other like this.

For me, it's kind of naturally happened anyway. I live hundreds of miles away from friends and family now. Many of them have young children and busy lives. I expect it would kind of still be a shock but then- most of my closest friends have known I've always had ideation- so- it shouldn't be a complete surprise. I do want to hang on for my Dad to go first. He is the last person I think it would really affect.

I guess it depends on the person's situation. If they were very sociable and had friends and family around them a lot, it's likely going to be much more difficult to just cut them off.

I kinda envy you for that, but in a positive way of course. :) But sure, it always depends on the kind of connection you have to these relatives and friends.
I wish you all the best!

Ah! One thing I would like to ask you guys:

IF I should decide to say goodbye to my mom in some way, I would try to find a good lie, just to make it clear, that it could be the last time that I will see her. I was thinking about saying something like: "Iam going to move into another country", or "Iam going to travel again without a specific destination and maybe I will stay there forever". This way, my mother could enjoy this last moment in a more serious way and prepare to see me for a last time. Maybe it could help her to overcome any doubts, for example "I should have hugged her for a last time" or "I wished I could share a last moment with my daughter". Do you think that would be a good idea? Iam pretty bad at lying though and she still might get suspicious...

 

[Forever Sleep]

Iam glad, that also others can profit of this discussion. :) It is really important to think about something like that when you care about the ones you love and want to hurt as less as possible. Maybe it's easier for us when we support each other like this.



I kinda envy you for that, but in a positive way of course. :) But sure, it always depends on the kind of connection you have to these relatives and friends.
I wish you all the best!

Ah! One thing I would like to ask you guys:

IF I should decide to say goodbye to my mom in some way, I would try to find a good lie, just to make it clear, that it could be the last time that I will see her. I was thinking about saying something like: "Iam going to move into another country", or "Iam going to travel again without a specific destination and maybe I will stay there forever". This way, my mother could enjoy this last moment in a more serious way and prepare to see me for a last time. Maybe it could help her to overcome any doubts, for example "I should have hugged her for a last time" or "I wished I could share a last moment with my daughter". Do you think that would be a good idea? Iam pretty bad at lying though and she still might get suspicious...

Yeah- that makes sense to try and prepare her in a way. Still- wouldn't she want details? Wouldn't she find it odd that you suddenly said you were going away and this would be your last goodbye? Guess it depends on what you usually share with her and whether it would seem out of character. I wish you all the best too.

 

[Hotwire]

There's one redemptive quality which the remarks here so far share, and it's the concern for others, to diminish their pain.

Obviously these kinds of "connections" are exactly what get most frequently identified as the antidote to suicidal despair, but anybody posting here has their own reason for disconnecting anyway. Isolation might not be as voluntary as we presume, though — it's an obvious part of suicidal behavior, regardless of one's concern for others. So remember to be mindful of the distinction between your natural urge to withdraw from others and this other, more deliberate/conscious action done for the benefit of somebody other than yourself.

I've found it easy to shut the fuck up, myself, since I first began to conceptualize isolation in the way you describe; ie distancing for the sake of any pain which those I love might feel when I kms. I remember feeling fascinated by how quickly the lines between the people in my life and I went so silent, so quickly. It doesn't take long, despite all the certainty I'd felt in the past that our connections were lifelong, our friendships mutual and eternal, love conquers all, etc. Of course it only made me feel worse, haha, because more than ever those bonds seemed transactional, incidental, superficial, conditional. Did nobody find it worthwhile to claw thru my vow of silence to save me from despair? No — they either trusted me enough to let go, or they were hurt by feeling ghosted, or they really did forget because I wasn't pinging their attention regularly enough and it all receded into the past. Or maybe they never wanted me around in the first place? By the time I pulled away, any of these possibilities was fine with me; definitely better than actually speaking openly with them about my desire to die, which only summoned blame, recrimination, cops, or worse. Keeping it ALL to myself was adventurous, liberating, and it felt compassionate because I was doing it to ease the pain of others.

Many who grieve suicides express feeling distrusted due to this type of distancing; they're probably right to feel that way, frankly. But that doesn't make them *responsible* for the death. I wouldn't have said exactly that I distrusted all those from whom I withdrew, but in the spirit of honesty I admit my distrust was total and that has worsened in isolation. Trust now seems something like "safety" or "closure" which is to say they're only illusions from which I've achieved glimpses of freedom while still alive.

It was years ago that I shut the fuck up, and in my worst moments since then I sometimes think: "You're not free if anyone cares." It's stupid, of course, because I still care about the same fucking people even though I haven't spoken to them in forever, haha, and it sure ain't making them any less free than I am. But, I suspect, like anyone serious about self-erasure, I desire the certainty that I'm really, in truth, as unloved as I feel. Doing all this just to make sure of it might be the tragic miscalculation of my wasted life. This is what I mean by making sure your reasons for isolating are the compassionate reasons you describe and not the self-destructive ones which nearly all suicidal people go through.

Having said all of this (thanks for reading) I don't believe silence and distance do anything to ease the uniquely devastating impact of suicide, or somehow make it any less severe for those who loved the decedent. That part is a fantasy. If you're really responsible to them and how they feel, then you should live if only for that. As far as reasons-to-live go, it might be the best one. Otherwise, consider the math in the reverse and imagine how you'd feel if somebody sought to control your emotions in a similar way, even for your benefit. We've already taken something from them by withdrawing, a silence which presumably ends in the punctuation of our self-murder. Taking control of their grief might be a presumption too far, but shit... of course I'd do anything to save those I love an instant of pain.

Anything except, you know, hahah, living with and alongside them.

 

[brokeandbroken]

I'd answer... But I can't my family doesn't give a fuck about me. I only talk to a few people from here... I literally don't have anyone IRL. No one cares about me. So I can't isolate when I'm already an outcast.

 

[Alessa]

There's one redemptive quality which the remarks here so far share, and it's the concern for others, to diminish their pain.

Obviously these kinds of "connections" are exactly what get most frequently identified as the antidote to suicidal despair, but anybody posting here has their own reason for disconnecting anyway. Isolation might not be as voluntary as we presume, though — it's an obvious part of suicidal behavior, regardless of one's concern for others. So remember to be mindful of the distinction between your natural urge to withdraw from others and this other, more deliberate/conscious action done for the benefit of somebody other than yourself.

I've found it easy to shut the fuck up, myself, since I first began to conceptualize isolation in the way you describe; ie distancing for the sake of any pain which those I love might feel when I kms. I remember feeling fascinated by how quickly the lines between the people in my life and I went so silent, so quickly. It doesn't take long, despite all the certainty I'd felt in the past that our connections were lifelong, our friendships mutual and eternal, love conquers all, etc. Of course it only made me feel worse, haha, because more than ever those bonds seemed transactional, incidental, superficial, conditional. Did nobody find it worthwhile to claw thru my vow of silence to save me from despair? No — they either trusted me enough to let go, or they were hurt by feeling ghosted, or they really did forget because I wasn't pinging their attention regularly enough and it all receded into the past. Or maybe they never wanted me around in the first place? By the time I pulled away, any of these possibilities was fine with me; definitely better than actually speaking openly with them about my desire to die, which only summoned blame, recrimination, cops, or worse. Keeping it ALL to myself was adventurous, liberating, and it felt compassionate because I was doing it to ease the pain of others.

Many who grieve suicides express feeling distrusted due to this type of distancing; they're probably right to feel that way, frankly. But that doesn't make them *responsible* for the death. I wouldn't have said exactly that I distrusted all those from whom I withdrew, but in the spirit of honesty I admit my distrust was total and that has worsened in isolation. Trust now seems something like "safety" or "closure" which is to say they're only illusions from which I've achieved glimpses of freedom while still alive.

It was years ago that I shut the fuck up, and in my worst moments since then I sometimes think: "You're not free if anyone cares." It's stupid, of course, because I still care about the same fucking people even though I haven't spoken to them in forever, haha, and it sure ain't making them any less free than I am. But, I suspect, like anyone serious about self-erasure, I desire the certainty that I'm really, in truth, as unloved as I feel. Doing all this just to make sure of it might be the tragic miscalculation of my wasted life. This is what I mean by making sure your reasons for isolating are the compassionate reasons you describe and not the self-destructive ones which nearly all suicidal people go through.

Having said all of this (thanks for reading) I don't believe silence and distance do anything to ease the uniquely devastating impact of suicide, or somehow make it any less severe for those who loved the decedent. That part is a fantasy. If you're really responsible to them and how they feel, then you should live if only for that. As far as reasons-to-live go, it might be the best one. Otherwise, consider the math in the reverse and imagine how you'd feel if somebody sought to control your emotions in a similar way, even for your benefit. We've already taken something from them by withdrawing, a silence which presumably ends in the punctuation of our self-murder. Taking control of their grief might be a presumption too far, but shit... of course I'd do anything to save those I love an instant of pain.

Anything except, you know, hahah, living with and alongside them.

Really deep wellthought comment there. My english is not the best, so I hope I did not misunderstood anything you said.
Iam absolutely aware of the differences in the intention of isolating as you mentioned and I can tell you for sure, that my intention was to reduce the pain from the people that are important to me, well, it's only my mother as I said. Just as you described it in your case, the bonds to my "friends" were mostly superficial and conditional, only two of them seemed to care a lot about me. I cancelled the contact completely, so it wasn't there "fault".

I kinda selfdestructed myself in another unintentionally way, isolation is not part of that. I deserve a happy life as well and don't see why I should punish myself for something. Nobody asked me if I wanted to be born into this life. You are forced to live this life, no matter how shitty it turns out to be. I should at least have the right to decide about when and how to end when I want it to end. Sure, it hurts people when you lose someone you love, but it's egoistic to demand, someone HAS to go on living just for their own sake. If my mother lied with horrible pain in the hospital, knowing that her life is about to end, why should I demand her to delay her salvation, just because it's uncomfy to me to lose her? It's a good thing to consider the pain your relatives will have to endure and trying the best to reduce it as much as possible, but it is US, who have to deal with the shit that is going on in our lives. It took me a few years to understand that it is NOT selfish to prioritize your own life, but it is important to be aware of the consequences and... at least trying your best to reduce damage as far as possible. And that's what Iam trying to do.

I appreciate that you shared your opinion with us, even in your first comment here on SS. :)

I'd answer... But I can't my family doesn't give a fuck about me. I only talk to a few people from here... I literally don't have anyone IRL. No one cares about me. So I can't isolate when I'm already an outcast.

That sounds sad. I don't know if that is the reason you want to CTB. If not, then I'd like to tell you that it can be a good thing to be an outcast. Nobody will get hurt when you leave. In my opinion it feels easier to go knowing that your own life didn't much do damage to others. Life feels meaningless anyway, why should your death do unnecessary pain to people who didn't harm you? It's ok when they deserve though... There are people on this world I'd like to take with me into nothingness...

 

[brokeandbroken]

That sounds sad. I don't know if that is the reason you want to CTB. If not, then I'd like to tell you that it can be a good thing to be an outcast. Nobody will get hurt when you leave. In my opinion it feels easier to go knowing that your own life didn't much do damage to others. Life feels meaningless anyway, why should your death do unnecessary pain to people who didn't harm you? It's ok when they deserve though... There are people on this world I'd like to take with me into nothingness...

Sort of. It's a part. I was the victim of crime(s) in medical school. I need legal help to get justice... My family didn't care. Having them care and do what they can even in the event it didn't pan out would be enough to say I have something in my life. That didn't happen. They didn't do anything. So thats sort of blaming the victim multiple times. In a way they did harm me with their apathy.

 

[MatrixPrisoner]

If at any point they showed that they still cared, like you mentioned, especially if it was a recent as a year ago, they will be devasted. No matter what you perceive their level of apathy to be.