Lesbian or femcel..?

[AmericanMary]

Until I was 19, I identified as a lesbian. I had never touched a man. I had dated a few women, been sexual with them.

When I was 19 I got engaged to a woman. She was black. My dad, racists and homophobic basically didn't talk to me for a while due to this. A few months after feeling rejection from him, I was raped while unconscious pretty brutally.

About six months later I started dating a man. From here, for the next ten year, I have identified as pansexual. I have predominantly dated men, but women occasionally. I was also involved heavily in SW, a very male dominated field. I have experienced A lot of violent SA as well from different men.

Out of close to the 1000 men I have slept with, not a single one of them have ever made me cum without a hitachi. A woman does almost every time. I've always heard bisexual girls say they prefer women, but men are easier. I thought this was a very normal thing. I'm also at the point of my life where every thing a man says pisses me off.

Recently I have been questioning this: have I really just been a lesbian all along but have BPD & daddy issues and crave male validation? Or am I just turning into a femcel? Perfectly fine with either. And I know this is something I have to figure out for myself.

But if anybody could offer any insight, it would be appreciated.

Also if you're a cis man, I really don't care about your perspective of my sexuality, so no need to comment. Thx.

 

[AmericanMary]

Unlike you I have no trauma related to men and don't hate them but I know I am a lesbian. I think at some point you just know, took me a while though (I'm over 30), and yes many relationships with men that just amounted to nothing. I don't have much sexual experience but, I think the fact that men can't arouse you could be a big telltale. To this day I still wish I was straight because that would instantly make my life so much easier, sounds silly but such a desperate wish could warp our perception for a long time.

That being said you will just figure it out in your own if you give it a little time, I don't want to potentially mislead you. I'm sorry about what happened to you as a SWer, I hope you have escaped the scene.

What happened to me when I was in SW? Men treated me better in SW than the real world. None of the SA I experienced was because of SW.

 

[enduringwinter]

What happened to me when I was in SW? Men treated me better in SW than the real world. None of the SA I experienced was because of SW.

Sorry I thought you said violent SA during then

 

[Onelegman]

From what you've said, it makes me think that you are bisexual, if you are attracted to both sexes and enjoy sex with both... regardless of whether they make you cum or not. 1000 men? Do you keep track or is that a figure of speech?

 

[winamp]

I still don't understand what a femcel is because little research has been done about them

or even documented but according to a few searches I doubt that you are one because usually femcels romanticize abuse from both strangers and in relationships and also are strongly against sex work even if it's for survival

but I would ask yourself "Have I always been romantically and sexually attracted to feminity and women before any traumatic events or before even identifying as a lesbian or bisexual / any other sexuality that includes being attracted to women?"

I think femceldom since it hasn't been researched much yet is a spectrum so far

so when you say femcel do you mean:

the women online who misinterpret the story and film Lolita

or just the very mentally ill women who are on the internet a lot

or do you mean people like Isabella Loretta Janke

or do you mean women who watch those dating coach videos and videos about archetypes and dark feminine etc. etc. how to make him obsessed with you type of stuff

or do you mean the women who are like JustPearlyThings

or even the main character from Gone Girl which is someone I see them make edits of a lot along with the main character of Possession

edit: image of some people they idolize that I have and haven't heard of from Google images

 

[penguinl0v3s]

Out of close to the 1000 men I have slept with, not a single one of them have ever made me cum without a hitachi. A woman does almost every time. I've always heard bisexual girls say they prefer women, but men are easier. I thought this was a very normal thing. I'm also at the point of my life where every thing a man says pisses me off.

I sympathize a bit with the men lol. It's much easier to master something you have first hand experience with. If you try to think about it from a male perspective, a female orgasm is like hard mode. It's much easier for a man to orgasm: they last shorter, their libido can be affected by drugs in ways that a woman can't, they can still orgasm relatively easily without foreplay. So having someone require those things, when they don't, is like being put on a whole new playing field.

You also mentioned that you did sex work? If you're getting paid for sex, it would make sense that the man only cares for his pleasure, as a customer. Intimacy in relationships is a lot better because there's the expectation to receive mutual enjoyment. Men who pay for sex work don't reflect the entire population well. It's no wonder that men piss you off when you're probably around a worse subset of them most of the time.

As a bi girlie, I prefer the female dating pool, but dating a man is easier because of numbers and admittedly because men are a lot easier. The male dating pool is a cesspool of sexist and immature people. It's a lot more dangerous to be on the male side of the dating pool and I could tell you a lot of horror stories, some mine and some from friends. In society, men have less expectations of being emotionally considerate, monogamous, communicative, and kind. All important for maintaining an average romantic relationship. They're set up to be worse at it and it shows.

But with being in a relationship, I don't have a gender preference. I wholeheartedly believe that if you meet the right person, you could love them no matter what they look like externally.

Another thing that you could think about is whether or not your inability to orgasm with men is in part psychological. This is just a speculation from me because the average woman orgasms a lot better when they have a positive psychological connection. You don't like men, right? Could it be inhibiting your ability to peak? Tmi // anecdotally I only have libido towards people I have romantic attraction towards. And sex only feels like something if I'm attracted. If I try to sleep with a friend for example, the vibe can be really silly and fun, but I get 0 sexual stimulation and it quite literally just feels equivalent to sliding my finger against my palm (like this).

Recently I have been questioning this: have I really just been a lesbian all along but have BPD & daddy issues and crave male validation? Or am I just turning into a femcel? Perfectly fine with either. And I know this is something I have to figure out for myself.

Well, are you really a femcel if you sleep with woman just fine? I don't think so. There's a subset of lesbians that don't like men, but it doesn't interfere with their ability to have satisfying sex lives at all.

It is worth noting that straight woman can't orgasm from men either. So not being able to orgasm could really just be because 1000 out of 1000 men are bad in bed, as ridiculous as that sounds. Given how many women just choose to fake orgasms, it's not like men get honest feedback about their sexual prowess.

The part that makes me suspect you're lesbian is that you ended up liking women despite homophobic upbringing. How'd you come to the conclusion about your sexuality before 19? Do you tend to be rebellious towards your parents?

 

[Skathon]

if you're a cis man

I'm curious... Why are you interested in the perspective of transsex and intersex but not cissex males? Aside from the complex trauma of being born mangled and having to fix it, there should be no difference.

 

[Onelegman]

I'm curious... Why are you interested in the perspective of transsex and intersex but not cissex males? Aside from the complex trauma of being born mangled and having to fix it, there should be no difference.

We both know the answer

 

[katara]

What happened to me when I was in SW? Men treated me better in SW than the real world. None of the SA I experienced was because of SW.

I was surprised to hear so many prostitutes/sugar babies say this too. They all claim they get treated better than when they dated men. I think it's because so many men date just for sex or someone to cook for them, they don't actually want a genuine relationship or intimacy. I discovered this my first couple months on Tinder. The way men would reply to me told me everything. It definitely changed my perspective on online dating. It only benefits men and women who are hoes. If you want an actual intimate relationship + kids it's very hard to find that online. I'm not settling for one of those ugly conservative men who hate women and want us enslaved. So ya, I guess I'll just stay single till death sadly.

 

[AmericanMary]

I'm curious... Why are you interested in the perspective of transsex and intersex but not cissex males? Aside from the complex trauma of being born mangled and having to fix it, there should be no difference.

Out of the 6 men who have violently raped me & the one man who groomed me for years when I was underage.. they have one thing in common: all cismen.

:) I'm questioning the femcel community. I obviously do not like men. Any men. But the mindset of cisgender men is different than not. Should it make a difference? No. But it does to me.

 

[Skathon]

Out of the 6 men who have violently raped me & the one man who groomed me for years when I was underage.. they have one thing in common: all cismen

...a sample size of seven proves that only cissex males can be rapists? You cannot be serious...
In that case, in my experience, only Europeans can be abusive, as everyone who has ever abused me was European. I'm certain non-Europeans must have never even heard of abuse. Wait, that means I am actually an abuser myself, damn it...

I obviously do not like men. Any men.

So... You are openly sexist, then? Well, at least you are honest about it...

 

[AmericanMary]

...a sample size of seven proves that only cissex males can be rapists? You cannot be serious...
In that case, in my experience, only Europeans can be abusive, as everyone who has ever abused me was European. I'm certain non-Europeans must have never even heard of abuse. Wait, that means I am actually an abuser myself, damn it...

So... You are openly sexist, then? Well, at least you are honest about it...

Anyone can be abusive. But my experience has shaped how I interact with the world. please refrain from posting on my thread if you do not have anything valuable to add thanks :) feel free to start your own thread to talk about issues that may bother you.

"It's not all men."
I'm aware.
But it is all women.

 

[Makoto]

...a sample size of seven proves that only cissex males can be rapists? You cannot be serious...
In that case, in my experience, only Europeans can be abusive, as everyone who has ever abused me was European. I'm certain non-Europeans must have never even heard of abuse. Wait, that means I am actually an abuser myself, damn it...

So... You are openly sexist, then? Well, at least you are honest about it...

Don't argue with her... she's just venting. You can't debate while you vent.... its not objective

 

[Artemisia]

I'm ace, so what do I know... I like men in theory, but prefer them fictional! ;) I'm often asked if I'm lesbian since I also appreciate female beauty and, theoretically, the softer gender should be more appealing to me. I like not typically masculine guys... that's enough to have some question me and me question myself.... At the end of the day I concluded that nope, I'm not a lesbian and not even bi at all. Why? Never in my life did I ever have a fantasy with an actual (even if fictional) female! So, when you're alone, when you fantasize, what is it that you dream of? I've come to the conclusion that's probably the safest way to get to the bottom of this issue.

 

[dynastickitten]

I don't think you're a femcel. They're just the female versions of incels, right? And you obviously don't have trouble attracting partners.

What made me realize I was a lesbian was that I didn't feel desire towards men. I was in a relationship with one for a long time and DID bring myself to have sex with him, but it wasn't something I looked forward to.

Regardless of whether or not you CAN have sex with men, do you WANT to?

 

[AmericanMary]

I don't think you're a femcel. They're just the female versions of incels, right? And you obviously don't have trouble attracting partners.

What made me realize I was a lesbian was that I didn't feel desire towards men. I was in a relationship with one for a long time and DID bring myself to have sex with him, but it wasn't something I looked forward to.

Regardless of whether or not you CAN have sex with men, do you WANT to?

Someone explained the femcel community as a group of mostly trauamatized woman who want to live life without ever being objectified by men again. Granite. A hardcore femcel gave me this explanation. I am not positive I have the correct understanding of the community.

A former incel said the femcel community is largely a group of women who don't want to be around men. They do not sit around planning, or wish, genocide against the male population.

Thank you for sharing your experience. I appreciate that. :)

I'm not sure. I think more than anything, I want the attention from the man I have having sex with. I want the validation. But I do find men attractive, mostly until they open their mouth. I tell everyone this: I like dick. I just don't like what it's attached to.

 

[Skathon]

please refrain from posting on my thread if you do not have anything valuable to add thanks

Well, you are not interested in comments from males in regard to the main issue, so...

But it is all women.

...you mean only females can be rape/sexual assault victims? I have rather unpleasant news for you, then... Or not so unpleasant, perhaps, considering your views.

Don't argue with her... she's just venting.

"Venting" doesn't exuse being discriminatory and violating the rules. But very well, then, I will just report it.

 

[AmericanMary]

...you mean only females can be rape/sexual assault victims? I have rather unpleasant news for you, then... Or not so unpleasant, perhaps, considering your views.

No. You need to stop putting words in my mouth, thx. All men aren't bad. But every women has a story about a bad man.

Please stop. If a mod could chime in that would be great. We don't need to be attacking others when they're vulnerable on a CTB forum.

 

[Myforevercharlie]

@LilysAngel
You're posting on an open forum, @Skathon isn't breaking a rule by responding.

I do understand however that you feel attacked.
@Skathon please stop?

 

[Skathon]

But every women has a story about a bad man.

Well... The same is true for most males. In fact, I'm certain almost everyone has met not particularly pleasant individuals of both sexes.
Are you certain your issue is not with vile heteronormative sexists and rapists, regardless of who or what they are? In that case, you are likely bisexual, you just don't like toxic masculinity or being mistreated. Those who are homosexual usually find being sexual with the opposite sex inherently repulsive/physically nauseating.
If it's solely physical attraction, however, it might be indicative of being bisexual but homoromantic.
But feel free to disregard this...

please stop?

...? Isn't sexism against the rules? Threads and comments of this kind are usually rightfully locked/removed (or at least the ones I reported were), they are just nearly always misogynist rather than misandrist. But very well, then.
No need to worry regardless, by the way, I always ghost post. I will delete all of my today's comments in a few hours.

 

[dynastickitten]

Someone explained the femcel community as a group of mostly trauamatized woman who want to live life without ever being objectified by men again. Granite. A hardcore femcel gave me this explanation. I am not positive I have the correct understanding of the community.

A former incel said the femcel community is largely a group of women who don't want to be around men. They do not sit around planning, or wish, genocide against the male population.

Thank you for sharing your experience. I appreciate that. :)

I'm not sure. I think more than anything, I want the attention from the man I have having sex with. I want the validation. But I do find men attractive, mostly until they open their mouth. I tell everyone this: I like dick. I just don't like what it's attached to.

Maybe I don't have a good understanding of the community either then genuinely always thought they were just the female counterpart to incels. Maybe I'm a femcel and don't even know it.

It would all just depend on why you have sex with men, I think. For a lot of lesbians discovering their identities, it can be hard to accept that they don't actually find men attractive because they value the attention they get from men.

I think you gotta do some soul searching and figure out if you're actually attracted to men and just haven't found one with an attractive personality, or if you do just chase after the validation their attention gives you. Sexualities can be hard to figure out, so I don't envy you. Maybe bisexual is a more comfortable label in the meantime?

 

[Saturn_]

It's absolutely insane to me how you've stated that you've been raped SIX TIMES (at least) and someone is more hung up on you saying "I hate men". It's not right, but it's like, no wonder. I'm so sorry OP. I pray that you will never, ever have to go through that again.

 

[Cinnamorolls]

Well, the brutal truth is that a lot of men are simply bad at sex, so that part about never having an orgasm from sex alone is sadly not uncommon. This stems from the fact that most men learn about sex from porn and try to mimic it. Porn is made by men, for men, with male pleasure as the focus, so this is not a good way of learning how to do it. Men also ask other men for advice regarding sex instead of women, and get stupid "guidance" in response like them saying that women "just need a little foreplay in the beginning to get warmed up and that's it." As a result, men typically have no idea about how the clitoris works, how important it is, or that it needs to be stimulated all throughout sex - not just at the beginning. PIV without clitoral stimulation doesn't feel like much of anything for many women, certainly not good enough to have an orgasm. Hence why so many women fake it just to get the sex over with.

Women obviously know a lot more about how female pleasure works, and that probably explains why sex with them would be more satisfying. I'm straight, so I don't actually know, but that seems like a sound explanation. Now, if you are actively sexually attracted to both genders, I don't think you are a lesbian. But that is not up to any of us, only you can decide that.

As a sidenote, these kinds of questions are better suited for female-only forums. Men cannot ever help themselves from interjecting, even when specifically asked not to, as you can see. If you would like a list of female-only online spaces, I can PM them to you.

 

[AmericanMary]

Well, the brutal truth is that a lot of men are simply bad at sex, so that part about never having an orgasm from sex alone is sadly not uncommon. This stems from the fact that most men learn about sex from porn and try to mimic it. Porn is made by men, for men, with male pleasure as the focus, so this is not a good way of learning how to do it. Men also ask other men for advice regarding sex instead of women, and get stupid "guidance" in response like them saying that women "just need a little foreplay in the beginning to get warmed up and that's it." As a result, men typically have no idea about how the clitoris works, how important it is, or that it needs to be stimulated all throughout sex - not just at the beginning. PIV without clitoral stimulation doesn't feel like much of anything for many women, certainly not good enough to have an orgasm. Hence why so many women fake it just to get the sex over with.

Women obviously know a lot more about how female pleasure works, and that probably explains why sex with them would be more satisfying. I'm straight, so I don't actually know, but that seems like a sound explanation. Now, if you are actively sexually attracted to both genders, I don't think you are a lesbian. But that is not up to any of us, only you can decide that.

As a sidenote, these kinds of questions are better suited for female-only forums. Men cannot ever help themselves from interjecting, even when specifically asked not to, as you can see. If you would like a list of female-only online spaces, I can PM them to you.

I would absolutely love it if you wouldn't mind PMing me some safer female only space. Thank you so so so soo much!

 

[AmericanMary]

Sooooooo after quite a long search and open communication with members of the femcel community, I am definitely not a femcel.

My understanding was that the femcel community was a group of traumatized women who want to live a life without ever objectifying be men again. I thought the idea was write off all men so the mean ones can't ever hurt you again.

This is not the case.

I am not a femcel.:) I'm just traumatized.