Venting Leaving someone

[DevonBostick'sAss]

I want to stop talking to someone, but if I do, I will also lose a lot of friends. I will be lonely, and I do not want to be lonely. It's like ripping out part of my life and leaving a hollow space where they all used to be. No more late-night calls, no more inside jokes, no more group plans that make me feel like I belong somewhere. I'll be on the outside, looking in, watching them laugh and move on while I sit alone, pretending it doesn't hurt. But pretending only works for so long before the ache of it all takes over

I cant deal with them. We always fight and im so sick of it. But if I leave I wont have anyone to spend my days I will be lonely. I just want to be ok to them staying with me but Im not okay to that.
The thought of leaving terrifies me because I've been lonely before. I know how it feels to sit in the quiet and wonder if anyone even remembers you exist. It's not just being alone it's the absence of connection, the ache of wondering if I made a mistake. But staying means keeping a part of myself locked away. Every time I bite my tongue or pretend to be okay, I lose a little piece of who I am.

Maybe loneliness isn't the worst thing. Maybe it's a chance to start over, to find people who see me for who I really am instead of who I've been pretending to be. It's scary, but so is staying in a place where I don't feel like I belong anymore. I dont know what to do or how to tell them.

When we fight they stop talking to me and when I ask why they say nothing but wont act like the same and this happens like every 2 days. Im so sick of it.

 

[Rivermouse]

Friend, I am in the same boat. I suddenly had nowhere to go after the pandemic & moved across the country to live with someone I thought was great. After a couple of yrs now I've seen his temper, his self pity, his contempt for anyone w problems, his laziness, and his judgement. That's nothing compared to his grown kids who mostly ignore him and have treated me like some kind of criminal.

I finally one day left my phone on record and happened to catch a visit from one of his kids where he says he's had it w me, she completely tears me down with "facts" she made up and advises him to keep any money out of my reach (we're married now). I cried for days, and finally told him a few days ago I am leaving.

Since then he's been a crying, self pitying mess alternating with anger and "what did I do that was so wrong" (besides lie to me and attack me to his kid) and still expects me to cook him supper. I found a place to move to but can't have it for a couple of months. Meantime, if I have to there's a temporary place I can go. It doesn't help having a pet, but my pet is my only lifeline to staying alive. There's always Plan B.

I was so devastated bc I have no friends here at all, no one to help me, and I was so lonely before I moved in w him. But now, after crying my heart out for two weeks and feeling like I just don't have it in me to move, I can't wait.

I won't know anyone where I am going. But at least, I hope, people will accept me at face value, for the person that I am, and not gossip and complain and make things up behind my back. I am happy about finding MYSELF again, doing what I feel like doing, listening to my music (he hates music), exploring the new place, and leaving all these mean people behind. I never want to think about or hear from them again.

At one time I was happy with who I am, and these people have taken that away from me. I haven't lost myself entirely, but I need to get away from them to find that person again. I think you're right, and I have been learning as you have that maybe loneliness is not the worst thing. Losing our selves is much, much worse.