Leaving it for later but wanting it now

[GoingSoonish]

I wanted to leave it for a while (early to mid next year) so that i could get my affairs in order. I planned a story about migrating overseas so as to mislead some people, i wanted to finish a couple of things that i have been working on for a while, and i wanted to give myself a lot of time to make sure that my method was perfect with as little risk as possible. I also wanted to give myself time to be hedonistic.

It was a great feeling for a long time. I used to worry about the future and get depressed about the prospect of living through to my natural death. Every single day is a struggle for me and the thought of living like this for decades is terrifying. So making the decision lifted a huge burden and my day to day existence became much better (to the extent that i experienced pleasure -- a first for a very long time).

I don't know what happened but now i suddenly can't wait to get it over and done with. Even if it is untidy, i will be too dead to care anyway. I feel irrational for leaving it for a while so as to ensure that everything is tidy and have no motivation to do anything. I don't want to have some sort of hedonistic experience. I only care about making sure that it is done properly without minimal to no risk of failure.

I wrote the above for no reason in particular. Thanks for reading i guess. Are any of you leaving it for a later date? I'm curious about how you find the motivation to do anything at all once you have made a firm decision that you will be going at some point in the near future.

 

[RoloTomasi]

I imagined that if you become really convinced that your method becomes as foolproof as it can be, you could just calmly pick a date in the near future and live out the rest of your days in peace, as peaceful as it can get for someone whose days are numbered. But when the day grows near, I become 'paralyzed' and many things just lose meaning. But maybe that's just because I still fear that small chance of failure, or the pain and discomfort during the attempt. Some ctb methods have about 90+% success rate, that 10% uncertainty is getting to me. There is also your battle vs your very own survival instinct. I guess we just want to find out sooner if we're going to succeed.

 

[Caustic Cardinals]

having multiple failures and dealing with the after effects and fallout, I have learned the meaning of do diligence the hard way.
No more hospitals, no more scars or trauma; This will be my Exit .