xaxs
Member
- Dec 4, 2025
- 5
My life just went completely downhill around 3 years ago when I broke up from my first relationship, which was my only social life and place where I felt loved and accepted for who I was. After that I went through phases of different copes trying to distract myself away from loneliness which has followed me my entire life. It was mostly through gaming, and binge watching shows, all taken to the absolute extreme in terms of consumption.
I was playing or watching shows at least 15+ h a day for around a year, just so I didn't have to think about anything going around me; I just couldn't function at all. This of course started to affect my studying and other important tasks, so I started to fall behind in everything. I somehow managed to stop those addictions completely and started to focus on school, but the pain just crept back in, and again, I wanted to escape it. This time I decided to do something "social" and not be completely isolated like with the gaming and shows, so I found some old communities/forums where I just wanted to browse, read, and post on stuff I know or found interesting. I didn't think much of it, or realize how important these places would become for me in the upcoming months.
As I always had difficulty getting even distant acquaintance-tier relationships (I had 0), I found it very odd when some people started to comment on my replies or started to think of me as an interesting or somewhat funny/chill guy, when I've never felt that myself. Then you just start to gravitate your focus to these people who notice you, and cliques start to form, It slowly builds into a small ecosystem where everyone knows each other at different levels, inside jokes and banter starts to develop, becoming second nature.
As an outcast elsewhere, you just found a place where nobody sees you in that light. People know your jokes, they know what makes you laugh, and vice versa. This is the point where, for me, it ends. I'm unable to attain a deeper form of connection for reasons I don't even fully understand myself. You start to notice others getting past this point and growing far more richer friendships. It wasn't surprising to me as I know my limits when it comes to social interactions, I just don't have the pull, motivation, or skills to form connections that last.
There was one exception where I felt a really deep connection to someone, it felt like I found a kindred spirit. She listened to everything I said, I always found out that we shared even more of the same than I previously thought. I've never met a person like that. I'm not totally sure how rare the connection was purely by aligning communication style, interest, and humor, but it felt like I'll never find anything like that again.
It made me even more addicted to these places and I started to neglect most of my life. I was basically revisiting the phase where I gamed and watched shows all day. Having lived through that before, I knew I had to take a break, trying to focus more on real life. But the stuff I gained from real life just couldn't compare to the warmth and the feeling of belonging I felt there. And again, all those bad feelings that you were so hard trying to run away from return in full storm. You just have to make excuses to return to that place; running away keeps me sane, I don't want to idle in pain.
But these types of places are ultimately futile and illusionary when compared to real and positive connections. They never build into anything big for me; I'm unable to bridge the gaps to gain any meaningful connections. Also, as they will just stay online, neglecting real life connections for a small online community where you don't even feel fully seen is just pure stupidity. Even with the one deep connection I had, there just were hurdles and logistics in the way that were unavoidable for it to flourish into anything deeper than an online friend to stuff to share with. Yet, I still couldn't keep her off my mind, y'know, when you meet someone like that, you don't want to listen to your rational mind and realize the energy and emotion you're using is spent on some 1/10000 probability event where something long-term would be born.
In the end, you just see new faces coming and old ones leaving as they find something more valuable in real life or somewhere else. While you stay stagnant, hoping to find some little diamond in a place where they don't exist. Just anything to justify your time and energy, anything so you can keep it as your main escape tool against reality. But as time passes and the stagnancy and barren reality becomes too self-evident to ignore - I had to leave.
My sanity just couldn't take it anymore. Knowing in X time the people I care about the most will leave, and I'd stay there and watch it, knowing I've been going sideways in my development, while they found the courage to face life. It'd break me completely.
Now having left everything I cared about behind and returning to this life I never enjoyed is hurting me deep. It made me tear up a bit today just going to the store and thinking all the people I met I have to put into the past. Even if the connections weren't meaningful for most of them, they were everything to me. Which hurts the most. The asymmetry they'll never realize, how your existence gets replaced immediately, and nobody notices or remembers that you're gone.
It pains me that my safe place is gone now. I feel so alone and lost and I don't know what to do. My mind keeps tormenting me and I just can't think clearly. I just want someone to see me and accept for who I am. I wish I weren't so sensitive and could just ignore all this pain I'm holding and have held for so fucking long.
I was playing or watching shows at least 15+ h a day for around a year, just so I didn't have to think about anything going around me; I just couldn't function at all. This of course started to affect my studying and other important tasks, so I started to fall behind in everything. I somehow managed to stop those addictions completely and started to focus on school, but the pain just crept back in, and again, I wanted to escape it. This time I decided to do something "social" and not be completely isolated like with the gaming and shows, so I found some old communities/forums where I just wanted to browse, read, and post on stuff I know or found interesting. I didn't think much of it, or realize how important these places would become for me in the upcoming months.
As I always had difficulty getting even distant acquaintance-tier relationships (I had 0), I found it very odd when some people started to comment on my replies or started to think of me as an interesting or somewhat funny/chill guy, when I've never felt that myself. Then you just start to gravitate your focus to these people who notice you, and cliques start to form, It slowly builds into a small ecosystem where everyone knows each other at different levels, inside jokes and banter starts to develop, becoming second nature.
As an outcast elsewhere, you just found a place where nobody sees you in that light. People know your jokes, they know what makes you laugh, and vice versa. This is the point where, for me, it ends. I'm unable to attain a deeper form of connection for reasons I don't even fully understand myself. You start to notice others getting past this point and growing far more richer friendships. It wasn't surprising to me as I know my limits when it comes to social interactions, I just don't have the pull, motivation, or skills to form connections that last.
There was one exception where I felt a really deep connection to someone, it felt like I found a kindred spirit. She listened to everything I said, I always found out that we shared even more of the same than I previously thought. I've never met a person like that. I'm not totally sure how rare the connection was purely by aligning communication style, interest, and humor, but it felt like I'll never find anything like that again.
It made me even more addicted to these places and I started to neglect most of my life. I was basically revisiting the phase where I gamed and watched shows all day. Having lived through that before, I knew I had to take a break, trying to focus more on real life. But the stuff I gained from real life just couldn't compare to the warmth and the feeling of belonging I felt there. And again, all those bad feelings that you were so hard trying to run away from return in full storm. You just have to make excuses to return to that place; running away keeps me sane, I don't want to idle in pain.
But these types of places are ultimately futile and illusionary when compared to real and positive connections. They never build into anything big for me; I'm unable to bridge the gaps to gain any meaningful connections. Also, as they will just stay online, neglecting real life connections for a small online community where you don't even feel fully seen is just pure stupidity. Even with the one deep connection I had, there just were hurdles and logistics in the way that were unavoidable for it to flourish into anything deeper than an online friend to stuff to share with. Yet, I still couldn't keep her off my mind, y'know, when you meet someone like that, you don't want to listen to your rational mind and realize the energy and emotion you're using is spent on some 1/10000 probability event where something long-term would be born.
In the end, you just see new faces coming and old ones leaving as they find something more valuable in real life or somewhere else. While you stay stagnant, hoping to find some little diamond in a place where they don't exist. Just anything to justify your time and energy, anything so you can keep it as your main escape tool against reality. But as time passes and the stagnancy and barren reality becomes too self-evident to ignore - I had to leave.
My sanity just couldn't take it anymore. Knowing in X time the people I care about the most will leave, and I'd stay there and watch it, knowing I've been going sideways in my development, while they found the courage to face life. It'd break me completely.
Now having left everything I cared about behind and returning to this life I never enjoyed is hurting me deep. It made me tear up a bit today just going to the store and thinking all the people I met I have to put into the past. Even if the connections weren't meaningful for most of them, they were everything to me. Which hurts the most. The asymmetry they'll never realize, how your existence gets replaced immediately, and nobody notices or remembers that you're gone.
It pains me that my safe place is gone now. I feel so alone and lost and I don't know what to do. My mind keeps tormenting me and I just can't think clearly. I just want someone to see me and accept for who I am. I wish I weren't so sensitive and could just ignore all this pain I'm holding and have held for so fucking long.
