Venting Late night thoughts(more like attacks to the brain)

[Livingvsdying25]

Had a day.

Did a lot of different things.

Lil bit of fun
Lots of life stuff
Worried about friends silence / interactions. Think theres things wrong but she isn't saying much.
Reached out to an aunt. Feel dumb tho it went maybe ok probs not tho.
Financially an idiot when in crisis. Worried/sure friend is judging and telling others.
Questioning things.
Convo with older person/acquaintence. Think/worry they were fake caring.
Thinking no one really wants me around
Trying not to care but it's hurting me.
Probs trauma response but probs some truth to it all.

I realized almost everyone I talk to assumes im doing nothing. I don't feel like anyone asks what im up to.
I used to do a lot now Im just barly getting by.
Friend probs has compassion fatigue so my fault anyway.

I don't feel like I belong anywhere anymore.

Considering selling one of my guitars to afford suicide method. Jus thought of selling all of em and dying.

Close to cutting again. Picked up a knife. Rubbed it against my skin but didn't.

Trying to live. Probs did too much. My bad.

Tryna relax for the night but all distractions have been proven to not do much. Soo just listening to lo fi playlist.

Shame. Guilt. Self hatred. Trying to cope and setlle my mind.

I always try but it's not enough. My life is a broken record of "its too much" like what's the point of even acknowledging it anymore.

Gonna see how much 1 if my guitars are. I have 3 and 2 were bought by my Dad but one of em is a Gibson so I def wouldn't ever be able to afford one again.

I don't want any regrets but I'm full of em.

Hoping that by writing this it's a bit of release. Probs not. Probs just opening up my stupid dumb mouth


Nights are so hard. In moments like these impulsive suicide would be so easy but likely fail so whats the point.

Why am I living if it destroys me day to day. Wtf is wrong with me.

I hate myself fully & throughly.


Hoping for some sleep. Hungry but very not in the mood for food.

I wish I would die tonight

 

[Huntfish34]

Damn, I can relate Very much to everything you stated it's almost kind of scary. I also have an Extremely dark and toxic hatred for myself. ( and some resentments I Can't seem to forgive or let go) Constant worry what people think , if I pissed them off, being sincere/ fake... Draining would be an understatement, my nights are terrible too.

Rest assured you are Not alone. I could say a lot more but I'm pretty drunk and need sleep ASAP. FML. -

Godspeed. ♥

 

[enigma97]

I know this was posted long ago, but I relate to what your saying. My self hatred is deep. And I'm not sure I want to fix it. I feel like what I feel is right. I should hate myself! And if I "get help" to change that, then I would be learning to love a lie. I was feeling pretty okay today, for once I felt a lil comfortable in my skin. Then my BF mentioned my weight, and I immediately shut back down. Like the proof is right there! I start believing the hype, I try to feel confident, then I get punched in the face with self hatred.

 

[Livingvsdying25]

Damn, I can relate Very much to everything you stated it's almost kind of scary. I also have an Extremely dark and toxic hatred for myself. ( and some resentments I Can't seem to forgive or let go) Constant worry what people think , if I pissed them off, being sincere/ fake... Draining would be an understatement, my nights are terrible too.

Rest assured you are Not alone. I could say a lot more but I'm pretty drunk and need sleep ASAP. FML. -

Godspeed. ♥

Thnxx for replying & srry to hear you can relate. Hope ya got a good night's sleep

I know this was posted long ago, but I relate to what your saying. My self hatred is deep. And I'm not sure I want to fix it. I feel like what I feel is right. I should hate myself! And if I "get help" to change that, then I would be learning to love a lie. I was feeling pretty okay today, for once I felt a lil comfortable in my skin. Then my BF mentioned my weight, and I immediately shut back down. Like the proof is right there! I start believing the hype, I try to feel confident, then I get punched in the face with self hatred.

Sorry to hear you can relate & woahhh so not cool of your boyfriend to even mention it

 

[Huntfish34]

Amen, thankyou much. It was alright I suppose, maybe 4- 5 hrs.