Last Year I Had Hope

[KafkaF]

In the beginning of 2022 I fell into a very deep depression. But then I met a girl online and things started getting a little bit better.

This time last year me and her had planned our second date (November 24th) and I was looking forward to that.

I didn't have anything happy in my life for a quite while. Unemployed, no diploma, single, had to quit college due to mental health issues, living with my emotionally abusive parents, heavily depressed, body dysmorphic so felt very unattractive, etc. And I felt hopeless throughout the first half of 2022, planning to CTB back then. But then I met her and I had moments of happiness again. And I started feeling just a little bit of hope for my future again.

Our second date would go well. I would bike home smiling that evening. The same for our third date. On our fourth date we would kiss for the first time and we became a couple.

Throughout most of 2023 we would stay together. I still struggled with my situation but she gave me the only moments of happiness I had during that year. And so long as she was with me I could see a future and I was willing to fight to make it happen. I very slowly (too slowly) started getting better and better until last month she suddenly and unexpectedly broke up with me.

Now I'm back to where I was. Unemployed, no diploma, living with emotionally abusive parents, depressed, body dysmorphic and single. On top of that now every day hurts with how much I miss her and love her. I have nothing and no one. I'm barely holding together and I've given up all hope.

The only reason I think I didn't CTB in 2022 or earlier in 2023 is because of her. Now I'm more certain than ever that CTB is the right thing for me. I had good times too in my life, it wasn't all bad, in large part thanks to her and to my first girlfriend. But now the good times are over. And there's only pain and hopelessness.

It's funny though... I keep thinking back. I'm so certain that CTB is right for me now and I'm sitting here completely devestated. But last year... Last year around this time I had hope.

 

[sxixl.]

I'm sorry that this is your current situation, I know it all too well. I understand <3

 

[FuneralCry]

It must be awful what you go through, I find it cruel how existing can very easily get much worse. But anyway best wishes.

 

[Lookoutbelow]

I get it. I am killing myself because of a breakup. I'm 53, so it's ok. I've lived a full life of chaos and turbulent relationships. My advice to anyone who seeks a partner. You have to go into a relationship with the mindset of "what can I bring to the relationship?" We as emotionally damaged individuals usually go into a relationship with the thought of "what am I going to get out of this relationship?" Love, security, affection, sympathy. People can only give so much before they give up. They gave up on me. I am giving up on life. A relationship is like Christmas. It is better to give than to receive, but it only works if both give, which is pretty hard to do. There is usually one giver and one receiver, a recipe for breakup. Anyway good luck with whatever you decide.

 

[Spiritual survivor]

I get it. I am killing myself because of a breakup. I'm 53, so it's ok, I've lived a full life of chaos and turbulent relationships. My advice to anyone who seeks a partner. You have to go into a relationship with the mindset of "what can I bring to the relationship?" We as emotionally damaged individuals usually go into a relationship with the thought of "what am I going to get out of this relationship?" Love, security, affection, sympathy. People can only give so much before they give up. They gave up on me. I am giving up on life. A relationship is like Christmas. It is better to give than to receive, but it only works if both give which is pretty hard to do. There is usually one giver and one receiver, a recipe for breakup. Anyway good luck with whatever you decide.

In a healthy relationship there is mutual reciprocity but yea for those of us who were not properly cared for as children, we tend to get involved in these one sided relationships or where our needs are not met. Unfortunately there are a lot of people now with narcissistic personality disorder or similar types of disorders in the population. I think they don't tell the truth when they say narcissists are rare in the population.

In the beginning of 2022 I fell into a very deep depression. But then I met a girl online and things started getting a little bit better.

This time last year me and her had planned our second date (November 24th) and I was looking forward to that.

I didn't have anything happy in my life for a quite while. Unemployed, no diploma, single, had to quit college due to mental health issues, living with my emotionally abusive parents, heavily depressed, body dysmorphic so felt very unattractive, etc. And I felt hopeless throughout the first half of 2022, planning to CTB back then. But then I met her and I had moments of happiness again. And I started feeling just a little bit of hope for my future again.

Our second date would go well. I would bike home smiling that evening. The same for our third date. On our fourth date we would kiss for the first time and we became a couple.

Throughout most of 2023 we would stay together. I still struggled with my situation but she gave me the only moments of happiness I had during that year. And so long as she was with me I could see a future and I was willing to fight to make it happen. I very slowly (too slowly) started getting better and better until last month she suddenly and unexpectedly broke up with me.

Now I'm back to where I was. Unemployed, no diploma, living with emotionally abusive parents, depressed, body dysmorphic and single. On top of that now every day hurts with how much I miss her and love her. I have nothing and no one. I'm barely holding together and I've given up all hope.

The only reason I think I didn't CTB in 2022 or earlier in 2023 is because of her. Now I'm more certain than ever that CTB is the right thing for me. I had good times too in my life, it wasn't all bad, in large part thanks to her and to my first girlfriend. But now the good times are over. And there's only pain and hopelessness.

It's funny though... I keep thinking back. I'm so certain that CTB is right for me now and I'm sitting here completely devestated. But last year... Last year around this time I had hope.

Sorry u are in this tough situation. The thing that stuck out to me the most is that u live with abusive parents. I can tell u right now, nothing is going to improve until u get the heck away from those people and go no contact. I mean ure going to have to find a way out no matter what it takes. Abusive parents destroy the futures of their children unless u get away and begin to start to heal. You will feel like u can't do anything, u hate yourself, your self esteem is shit, no energy or motivation when living with abusive people. But this improves once u can get away.

 

[KafkaF]

In a healthy relationship there is mutual reciprocity but yea for those of us who were not properly cared for as children, we tend to get involved in these one sided relationships or where our needs are not met. Unfortunately there are a lot of people now with narcissistic personality disorder or similar types of disorders in the population. I think they don't tell the truth when they say narcissists are rare in the population.

Sorry u are in this tough situation. The thing that stuck out to me the most is that u live with abusive parents. I can tell u right now, nothing is going to improve until u get the heck away from those people and go no contact. I mean ure going to have to find a way out no matter what it takes. Abusive parents destroy the futures of their children unless u get away and begin to start to heal. You will feel like u can't do anything, u hate yourself, your self esteem is shit, no energy or motivation when living with abusive people. But this improves once u can get away.

I want to just quickly say: My relationship with my previous partner DID have reciprocity. We both emotionally supported each other, helped each other out, etc. My relationship before that was one-sided where I always did my best to love, compromise, support, etc. and she almost never did. But I put up with it because I loved her. But my previous relationship was nothing like that. Which is one of the reasons that losing it has devastated me. With the relationship before that I at least knew that she didn't treat me well. But with my previous girlfriend our relationship seemed pretty much perfect for the vast majority of its duration.

I don't think my parents are the biggest problem right now, tbh. I'm lucky in that these days I can mostly avoid them as I have my own space, basically (my living situation is complicated). The damage is already done though. My psychological issues due to the abuse are too severe; They have wrecked my life and my mental health completely beyond repair. I may barely talk to them these days but their voice stays in my head all the time, telling me how worthless I am. And the consequences of my mental health issues haunt my life.

Overall my previous girlfriend was the last and only good thing I had left. Without her there's just no point.

 

[Spiritual survivor]

I want to just quickly say: My relationship with my previous partner DID have reciprocity. We both emotionally supported each other, helped each other out, etc. My relationship before that was one-sided where I always did my best to love, compromise, support, etc. and she almost never did. But I put up with it because I loved her. But my previous relationship was nothing like that. Which is one of the reasons that losing it has devastated me. With the relationship before that I at least knew that she didn't treat me well. But with my previous girlfriend our relationship seemed pretty much perfect for the vast majority of its duration.

I don't think my parents are the biggest problem right now, tbh. I'm lucky in that these days I can mostly avoid them as I have my own space, basically (my living situation is complicated). The damage is already done though.

I get it, it's hard to be optimistic when something/someone in your life was an important source of meaning or purpose is suddenly gone. This is why it is important to be able to generate the purpose and fulfillment within ourself. I don't know how to teach u how to be able to do this. I learned from Christian people and watching a lot of YouTube videos on how to start putting myself first and tend to my needs. I watched tons of different YouTube people talk about narcissism and I began to understand my deficits. I hope the heartbreak ends soon and u can begin to feel better

 

[King Ashoka]

I get it. I am killing myself because of a breakup. I'm 53, so it's ok. I've lived a full life of chaos and turbulent relationships. My advice to anyone who seeks a partner. You have to go into a relationship with the mindset of "what can I bring to the relationship?" We as emotionally damaged individuals usually go into a relationship with the thought of "what am I going to get out of this relationship?" Love, security, affection, sympathy. People can only give so much before they give up. They gave up on me. I am giving up on life. A relationship is like Christmas. It is better to give than to receive, but it only works if both give, which is pretty hard to do. There is usually one giver and one receiver, a recipe for breakup. Anyway good luck with whatever you decide.

Sir you are an experienced person. What is your advice to unmarried people. Should they marry or not. Is there true benefits of marriage or it is a scam like other things.

It must be awful what you go through, I find it cruel how existing can very easily get much worse. But anyway best wishes.

As it is said , every life is just one incident away from getting fucked up.

 

[Lookoutbelow]

Sir you are an experienced person. What is your advice to unmarried people. Should they marry or not. Is there true benefits of marriage or it is a scam like other things.

As it is said , every life is just one incident away from getting fucked up.

I've been married and divorced 4 times. That should tell you all you need to know about my feelings on that. This last relationship lasted 13 years not married. Ended the same. So I envy people that can live alone.

 

[King Ashoka]

I've been married and divorced 4 times. That should tell you all you need to know about my feelings on that. This last relationship lasted 13 years not married. Ended the same. So I envy people that can live alone.

Thank you for your honesty sir.
I am 33. Never married. Never will be. But my mom keep emotional blackmail me to get a wife. Just normal family drama in India. But i stick to my decision. No means No.

 

[Lookoutbelow]

Thank you for your honesty sir.
I am 33. Never married. Never will be. But my mom keep emotional blackmail me to get a wife. Just normal family drama in India. But i stick to my decision. No means No.

If I had it to do all over again not only would I choose to not get married. I would also choose to never fall in love. The pain of love ending is way worse then not being loved in the first place. Maintain your autonomy, it is much better than answering to someone else.

 

[RobinWhoLostItAll]

life can be very fucked up in an almost comedic way sometimes,
last year i was happy, the only time in my entire 22 years ive left alive, i felt glee, i felt hope, i remember having the best birthday in my life, surrounded by people who's love and embrace brought me so much joy, and this year i sit here, alone, with so many problems inside and outside of my head, i drink and get high to cope my day to day,
but im thankful that i got to live, even if it was brief, im not compatible with life, and i bring pain to the people i love, so i have to head out for their sake and mine

 

[Deleted member 65988]

I've been married and divorced 4 times. That should tell you all you need to know about my feelings on that. This last relationship lasted 13 years not married. Ended the same. So I envy people that can live alone.

Woah 4 times!?
Sorry I had to react like that but wow, you're definitely experienced.

 

[Lookoutbelow]

Woah 4 times!?
Sorry I had to react like that but wow, you're definitely experienced.

Right, even I think damn 4 marriages and a 13 year living together relationship. What the hell does someone see in me? I am wacked in the head, and always have been.

 

[Deleted member 65988]

Right, even I think damn 4 marriages and a 13 year living together relationship. What the hell does someone see in me? I am wacked in the head, and always have been.

I don't know but 4 marriages is insane to me, I get wanting to try again but 4 times is a lot. I'm sorry that you think that way about yourself and the recent end of your 13 year long relationship, it sounded rather important in helping you stay afloat.

 

[Lookoutbelow]

I don't know but 4 marriages is insane to me, I get wanting to try again but 4 times is a lot. I'm sorry that you think that way about yourself and the recent end of your 13 year long relationship, it sounded rather important in helping you stay afloat.

Yep, I only live for others. So now that this last one is done, so am I. No care to try another relationship and no desire to be alone. The 4 marriages are just the tip of a wild full tumultuous life. I heard a saying once that asked "If your life were a book would anyone want to read it?" My answer is absolutely yes! I have nothing else to experience except death.

 

[Deleted member 65988]

Yep, I only live for others. So now that this last one is done, so am I. No care to try another relationship and no desire to be alone. The 4 marriages are just the tip of a wild full tumultuous life. I heard a saying once that asked "If your life were a book would anyone want to read it?" My answer is absolutely yes! I have nothing else to experience except death.

Man, this is absolutely heartbreaking to hear all honesty, you gave your heart out there and now this is all you got return. I truly wish things weren't the way they are to have nothing else except death

 

[Lookoutbelow]

Man, this is absolutely heartbreaking to hear all honesty, you gave your heart out there and now this is all you got return. I truly wish things weren't the way they are to have nothing else except death

Thanks.