I can't really wrap my head around this. Backstory, Ive been depressed since I was a little girl, spending my life in pain and not wanting to be here. But feeling so guilty about what would it do to my family that I felt like I had to stay here and live so they wouldn't be hurt. I've tried endless meds, therapy, ECT, clinical trials. It just gets harder every day to get out of bed, to put on my fake mask and pretend to function like a normal human. It's become unbearable and Ive been making preparations to catch the bus for the last few months. I didn't want to tell my family but I also didn't want to lie. So when my actions shed light on my intentions and they asked straight up, I told them straight up. Tomorrow is the last time I will see my sister and brothers and they know it. I dont know what to do. How to act. I want to tell them I'm scared. But I don't want to show any doubt least they try to talk me out of it. I feel more alone than ever. I want to show emotion so they know I care but Im not even sure if I can do that without completely cracking at the seams. I feel like I have to keep my armour on but I want them to know I care and love them and I'm not taking this decision lightly. I'm at a loss.
fastFWD
running out of time...
- Feb 12, 2019
- 151
i feel your pain meg as i can relate to your life long struggle. it is amazing that you were able to tell your family about your intentions; i would imagine that they will try and stop you somehow and be very upset about the situation when you meet with them. perhaps they will change your mind with a strong showing of support. hopefully it doesn't end up being awkward. nevertheless, best of luck tomorrow with everything; i'll be thinking of you and hope to hear from you again about how things went. <3
I felt really afraid before it happened, like panic crawling up the back of my throat. but it was over fast and I didn't break down. I think they understand as much as they possibly can understand such a thing. and that helped a lot.
Leesap
Member
- Jul 5, 2019
- 43
I don't know. We feel what we feel, right? I am old so eh. I have an idea you are young. I don't know, I do know that one of my children's classmates hung himself age 17 and I cried for days . And. Days. His mother was shocked beyond belief and now 9 years later she can not get over it. I don't know. I feel like I'm old, eh who cares. You have the same rights too, I know. I can't get past young people feeling this way and I know everyone has a right to go their own way. I'm glad your having the conversation with them. In the case I mentioned here, it was a total shock, no one had a clue.
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I'm 35 Leesap. lol. Trust me, way past the teenage emotional roller coaster stages, just stuck with "treatment resistant major depressive disorder" blah blah diagnosis. Just got to see my siblings and my mom for a last family vacation.
