I've only been here once before, a few years ago, and now I'm back. This site has always been special to me though. I came across it from a video that didn't give the name, a video you may be familiar with, one that said this was a horrible, vile, monstrous website that should be taken down immediately. It was easy to find with a quick google search. I didn't try to find it right away though, I was scared it would act like a curse against me as soon as I visited and I would be mentally coerced into suicide, but eventually I hit a point where that seemed like what I wanted, so I nervously visited and made an account. It wasn't nearly as horrible as I was told.
Having only seen a little of this site, all of it has been compassionate, empathetic, non-judgemental, safe. THAT feels like magic to me. The topic of suicide is so frowned upon in our society that, well, no one is really safe to talk about it. People are taken away for it, people have their rights taken away, peoples lives change as soon as people realize they are suicidal. This... this is a place where we can talk about it, where we can feel safe enough to reach out, to connect, to find other people struggling like we are. If you mention it to a therapist they will break confidentiality, if you mention it to reddit or any other social media it'll get taken down and you'll get banned. For a long time I didn't feel like I had anywhere I could talk about these things, no one who would listen, and this site feels like a beacon of hope in that sense, exactly what I was looking for.
I told my therapist I was suicidal and she immediately started mentioning what it would take to call the cops, to call a family member, things against my will, and about a week ago she did. I didn't even do anything wrong, I hadn't cut myself in awhile, I was feeling pretty good all things considered other than catching some nasty sickness. But because I mentioned that I was going through some rough feelings, didn't mention suicide or self-harm or anything, she broke confidentiality and told my sister about my cutting, things I've said, my feelings, saying I can't keep myself safe, and she told the only real friend I have. She had a talk with me, and it didn't help, it made me feel so betrayed and uncomfortable. I don't feel safe saying anything to my therapist anymore and am debating quitting therapy with her. I don't think I can though, even though she isn't really my friend she's one of the closest things I have to one, where I can pretend she is actually someone who wants to talk to me and be with me. I don't have many people I can call friends. My sister tried to take my knives, did actually until I got them back (I'm in a dorm room, I need at least one for normal things) and I just feel slightly uncomfortable around her and that friend she told, like I have to be careful around them.
I really just can't trust anybody, and I feel like everybody is out to get me, like I'm not safe anywhere. But here, I can talk about what I'm feeling, what I'm thinking. I can say I feel like killing myself, I can say why or maybe that I don't know why, I can vent about what's in my brain, I can try and find people, talk to people who feel similar because this is the only place we have to find each other and talk to each other. It sickens me how afraid I and others am to talk about these feelings, I am sick at how we are treated when we try. I do feel hopeless, I do hate myself, I do think and feel and know that every single little thing is better with me out of the picture, and I say that here without fear, and I can hear other people talk about anything that they are feeling as well and I can send them a reply, I can relate to them, I can talk with them, I can try and help in any small way whether it's through validation, kind words, encouragement, genuine compassion, or anything. I'm just so glad this place exists so I had to rant since I don't know exactly how to say what I feel, but this is the only place I feel safe now to truly express how I feel.
Thank you for reading. <3
Having only seen a little of this site, all of it has been compassionate, empathetic, non-judgemental, safe. THAT feels like magic to me. The topic of suicide is so frowned upon in our society that, well, no one is really safe to talk about it. People are taken away for it, people have their rights taken away, peoples lives change as soon as people realize they are suicidal. This... this is a place where we can talk about it, where we can feel safe enough to reach out, to connect, to find other people struggling like we are. If you mention it to a therapist they will break confidentiality, if you mention it to reddit or any other social media it'll get taken down and you'll get banned. For a long time I didn't feel like I had anywhere I could talk about these things, no one who would listen, and this site feels like a beacon of hope in that sense, exactly what I was looking for.
I told my therapist I was suicidal and she immediately started mentioning what it would take to call the cops, to call a family member, things against my will, and about a week ago she did. I didn't even do anything wrong, I hadn't cut myself in awhile, I was feeling pretty good all things considered other than catching some nasty sickness. But because I mentioned that I was going through some rough feelings, didn't mention suicide or self-harm or anything, she broke confidentiality and told my sister about my cutting, things I've said, my feelings, saying I can't keep myself safe, and she told the only real friend I have. She had a talk with me, and it didn't help, it made me feel so betrayed and uncomfortable. I don't feel safe saying anything to my therapist anymore and am debating quitting therapy with her. I don't think I can though, even though she isn't really my friend she's one of the closest things I have to one, where I can pretend she is actually someone who wants to talk to me and be with me. I don't have many people I can call friends. My sister tried to take my knives, did actually until I got them back (I'm in a dorm room, I need at least one for normal things) and I just feel slightly uncomfortable around her and that friend she told, like I have to be careful around them.
I really just can't trust anybody, and I feel like everybody is out to get me, like I'm not safe anywhere. But here, I can talk about what I'm feeling, what I'm thinking. I can say I feel like killing myself, I can say why or maybe that I don't know why, I can vent about what's in my brain, I can try and find people, talk to people who feel similar because this is the only place we have to find each other and talk to each other. It sickens me how afraid I and others am to talk about these feelings, I am sick at how we are treated when we try. I do feel hopeless, I do hate myself, I do think and feel and know that every single little thing is better with me out of the picture, and I say that here without fear, and I can hear other people talk about anything that they are feeling as well and I can send them a reply, I can relate to them, I can talk with them, I can try and help in any small way whether it's through validation, kind words, encouragement, genuine compassion, or anything. I'm just so glad this place exists so I had to rant since I don't know exactly how to say what I feel, but this is the only place I feel safe now to truly express how I feel.
Thank you for reading. <3
