last month of the year, how is it going for you guys?

[nofutureghost]

well, I can't stand my life anymore and every end of the year it gets incredible WORSE. I just lost my only two cats cause my parents are an amount of shit and just let them go out, doctors are suspecting that my mother have cancer again, I need a fucking job but it seems that I'm good for nothing, I hate this house and also my family but the cost of living alone it's too high, I don't even can hang out with friends to distract myself 'cause one: I don't have it and two: I have controlling parents, my sister (the only person that could help me) lives in another state, I hate my university but I can't leave it, my bf probably wants to breakup, depression is getting worse and I can't even do things that I usually do, I can't ctb cause this fucking house is never empty, I'm sober 'cause I can't get some drugs since I'm having only online classes and that's my december :)

how is it going for you guys? better? worse? I just need to talk :(

 

[TheHatedOne]

Awful on every side. Can't wait to go.

 

[FuneralCry]

It is always horrible being alive. After all, life is just suffering. I am very tired of this life.

 

[stellabelle]

Well.
It proved itself repeatedly.

People are cruel and selfish.

I was outside of a holiday decorated gas station last night.

Thinking about how it's a "perfect" world, for some. The pretty lights. A person walked out with a smaller person, some kid, they had a kid sized drink, maybe an ICEE. Both were normal.

And in that moment I longed for that normal.

Rather than missing pieces. Missing items. Missing ashes. Missing moments of joy, missing moments of life.

This same feeling of missing out on what could've been "normal" rather than dysfunction.

Dysfunction, discord, abuse, nonsense, wasted time, wasted funding, wasted opportunities to be "normal" or happy.

Coming from a BAD family, a bad mother, a screamer, a liar, an abuser who screamed and lied and screamed and lied and continued the abuse. To have a shitshow. Just for her own entertainment. It was sickening.

Isolation. Isolation and lies. Carelessness. Greed.

Shattered hope.

Shattered promises, promises to myself, to others.

Minimized perception of the severity of abuse.
Minimized perception of the harassment, the abuse.

Being "silenced" repeatedly, ignored, shoved around, pushed around, stolen from. Paraded around as a possession rather than a person. Stalked. Ignored.

"Observed" like some sort of fucking alien creature rather than a living, thinking, breathing, feeling human being.

Well, oh well.

 

[avoid_slow_death]

I'm simply exhausted mentally and physically. This year has ravaged my mind and body both to the point where I have done permanent damage to both. I'm just ready to go....

 

[GenesAndEnvironment]

High levels of emotional pain.

 

[Unicornsrnot4dislife]

I just can't wait for it to end. This month is always the worse. Emotional turmoil.

 

[forgotten15]

This one is even worse then the ones that passed, it feels like all the pain and exhaustion i felt throughout the year has tripled this month. I feel drained and i just want to dissappear. Life is just suffering and constant torment.

 

[Kennish]

Not good. I need to get money for n. Have sn though

 

[ClownMe]

It's been as bad as the 11 months that came before it this year.

 

[CFLoser]

Eh it wasn't that bad. I can't wait to struggle when im older lol.

 

[sasshimi]

It's been awful and mind-numbingly isolating so far. I hate the holidays, I always get the worst string of depressive episodes during this time of the year. Most days I'm holed up in my room, festering in my agoraphobia as always <3

This year has been chock-full of extreme ups and downs, I gained a lot of life-changing experiences but also lost a lot - including my sanity and the so-called social status that I had procured. I got diagnosed with BPD a couple of months ago though so I guess that at least explains why my life has been agonizing in retrospect.

I also planned to ctb by the end of the year but even then I'm too chickenshit to act out on it. I don't have the heart to enforce my ctb onto my family around this time either. Until then I'm sticking around for another year until I get a job, start from scratch, and obtain access to a better method than full suspension. I owe myself a more dignified way to go at the very least.