Last ditch attempt at puzzling it all out

[Red]

Last ditch attempt to improve health status before CingTB. Made appointment with a private GP to coordinate all signs & symptoms, try to find out WTF is actually wrong with my stupid body before the very permanent solution of CingTB.

Appointment is booked for 29/06/20.
The hotel room booked for 30/07/20; able to cancel the room up until the day before without penalty. This gives me a full month to find a viable path to diagnosis/treatment; more than enough when compared to the full life (37 years - shutup40isthenew30!) of negligible support and adverse circumstances, in addition to the last four years of being literally crippled by an unknown illness that nobody really believes in but doesn't diminish the full impact all the same...

I really don't want to CTB and am exploring every possible avenue before I carry out what has always only ever been a backup plan. CingTB is very much the last option when all else fails; I cannot live like this, it is barely an existence. No real quality of life, the feeling that you're just living to save others feeling loss, despite having lost near everything yourself, when you're not fully supported by them? Why?

In the media, when someone dies, they always say, "If only they'd said they we're suicidal/needed help, we would've stepped in and saved them!" The truth is, generally people do ask for help, but they're ignored. Yes, some people keep it deep down inside and hide it from even their closest, but most of us do leave little clues, even stating outright, only to be dismissed and ignored. I've shouted until blue in the face the whole time that I'm struggling, both physically and mentally, and all I get is dispassion and skepticism, as if I've gained anything by being this way

There is no joy or satisfaction in being "right all along", only loss and despair. Knowing that no matter how right you may be, you'll always be ignored. Was it Cassandra who had the ability to tell the future but have the curse that nobody actually believed her?? I feel like that!

I daren't hope too much on the outside, but my inner self still flails for any foothold, anything to grasp at to stop me giving up and letting go. I want a life, I need a future, especially so soon after shaking off the shackles of my traumatic childhood and finally becoming independent in adulthood!

So now, the date is set. If I can postpone, if there is but a ray of light to illuminate my way, I will, for I intend to give life my best efforts. But enough is enough; nobody can expect you to live a lifetime of genuine pain just for their own occasional interactions or a few shining moments on the pitch black darkness. It's not fair. I wouldn't ask it of anyone else so please don't ask it of me.

This site has kept me afloat and is a big reason for why I haven't caught the bus yet already. I'm also a member of a site for chronic illness sufferers meant to support each other but the support here is tenfold to anywhere else I've stuck my head into. I don't bother with other sites anymore - if anyone replies at all they just give you the number of The Samaritans here is much better!
There is a strength here that is hard to explain. We're all here despite wanting not to be. We're all clinging to that last bit of survival instinct, no matter how dire our circumstances; we're still pushing on, hoping for things to get better, whether it means being able to adjust your life or go out in a manner less painful than our already painful lives, we're looking for a change for the better.

I'm gonna get my change for the better, one way or another, before this year is out. 2021 always sounded like a futuristic date beyond my life span anyway lol

 

[SpottedPanda]

Here's hoping you find what you're looking for

 

[Gladtogo]

I really hope you find that foothold, keep trying, keep posting

 

[GoodPersonEffed]

Sending compassion for what you're going through!

If you've posted about this before and I'm basically rehashing the same response, I apologize. I remember another post awhile back and responded very similarly, and equally sincerely.

Your story reminds me of when I was a kid, and my mom was sick for a year. No one could figure out what it was, some doctors said it was in her head. A lot of pain, exhaustion, etc. This was in the late Seventies, when seeing a psychiatrist was still socially stigmatized, but my mom went to one and got on antidepressants to manage. She spent more and more time in bed, rallying when I came home from school and dad home from work, she was a homemaker, and my dad was inept at that time at cooking and taking care of "woman's chores." Finally, it was discovered that she had a floating kidney -- it had detached, would flip, float up, fall down, and repeat. She finally was prescribed a slant board, and then had surgery to tack it up, and her only limitations were things like horseback riding, which she wasn't into anyway.

I think at the time she considered the possibility of suicide if things did not improve and/or continued to get worse. It didn't help that my dad had a trigger any time she got sick and didn't believe her, was just a total ass. It wasn't until years later that it finally got through to him that she wasn't his sickly mother, that she was strong as fuck and if she was sick, she damn well was sick and needed support while she was.

Again, I don't know if you're the member I said this to before, so please forgive me if you don't want or value this suggestion. You probably get a lot of suggestions, and you might be sick of it. I respect that.

I would also recommend seeing a physical therapist. I have had several conditions misdiagnosed by doctors who viewed them through their limited training. One example is the podiatrist who said one of my legs was shorter than the other and prescribed orthotics, when I actually needed physical therapy to get my hips into alignment. Another example is the decades of lower back pain I experienced. I finally begged a GP at a hospital for an x-ray, which he had to finagle permission for, and it turned out I had soft-tissue calcification, so I finally had an explanation, but he said there was no treatment. The same physical therapist who said no to one leg being longer than the other looked at the x-rays, said bullshit to no treatment, and cleared it up with a series of ultrasound treatments. What a relief that was!

My point is that physical therapists see a wide variety of conditions, are not limited by a medical specialty (though even the GP I saw didn't have that limitation), and can sometimes pinpoint and treat things that doctors miss. PTs also know a lot of doctors in a lot of different fields because of referrals, and one may be able to direct you to a good physician who would be more adept at diagnosing your condition(s).

I support you in all you're doing to end your suffering, whether by proper diagnosis and support, or ending it yourself if that is the only alternative since no others have been forthcoming. One can only handle so much. I wish the best for you! And if the best just won't show up, then I wish for you the most peaceful passing out of this misery, and ultimate peace, or rest, or just not being anymore, since being has become so understandably unmanageable. Whatever comes next, I hope it's infinitely better than what's happening now.

And yeah, I get that about finally overcoming all the childhood trauma and then having something else happen that can't be overcome at a point when I'm so damn capable like I never was before. But that makes me think with respect to your situation, I don't know if you've ever tried EMDR, but on the off chance that any of this has root causes in trauma, maybe seeing a trauma-based therapist who is certified at more than just the base level of EMDR treatment would be able to help.