ecmnesia
the only thing humans are equal in is death
- Aug 30, 2020
- 767
it's weird, approaching the end.
I hear their plans, their hopes, their discussions. they talk as if I'm going to be here, as i always have been, as if tomorrow was for sure and not merely a speculation. they don't know yet. the possibility that I will soon be gone doesn't even cross their minds.
when you are expecting to die soon, your whole perspective of the world changes, and things are suddenly not as they were before. you are an oracle who was never heard, the guardian of a secret no one else knows. you walk on the streets aware that this is probably going to be the last time you step on it. you eat each meal knowing that you will never taste it again. you won't shop in the supermakert again. you won't see your grandma again. and nobody knows, except from you.
I look at my mother and I can't imagine what will be like for her when she realizes that I've been preparing for this moment this whole time. It saddens me to think that she will never be able to hear my stupid immature jokes again, or that i won't ever make her company on her pointless boring daily tasks. hopefully and sadly my brothers won't have me around next week to fight me or pick on me for being lazy and such a pain in the ass. My father won't have to complain about how loud or childish I am anymore.
as I am writting this, I am crying. I am sad, I will miss this. there are many things I haven't done, dreams I haven't lived, food I never ate, places I haven't seen. still, it's ok.
I can only hope that everything will go as planned, that nothing will bother or stop me. genuinely I wish to leave this weekend, on the worst case scenarios along the next weeks. I don't feel sorry for myself and now that I've gotten so far I have no wish to come back, maybe that will happen tho, I can't foretell, if so I think I could never handle the embarassment, but that's something for future me, if alive, to worry.
I hear their plans, their hopes, their discussions. they talk as if I'm going to be here, as i always have been, as if tomorrow was for sure and not merely a speculation. they don't know yet. the possibility that I will soon be gone doesn't even cross their minds.
when you are expecting to die soon, your whole perspective of the world changes, and things are suddenly not as they were before. you are an oracle who was never heard, the guardian of a secret no one else knows. you walk on the streets aware that this is probably going to be the last time you step on it. you eat each meal knowing that you will never taste it again. you won't shop in the supermakert again. you won't see your grandma again. and nobody knows, except from you.
I look at my mother and I can't imagine what will be like for her when she realizes that I've been preparing for this moment this whole time. It saddens me to think that she will never be able to hear my stupid immature jokes again, or that i won't ever make her company on her pointless boring daily tasks. hopefully and sadly my brothers won't have me around next week to fight me or pick on me for being lazy and such a pain in the ass. My father won't have to complain about how loud or childish I am anymore.
as I am writting this, I am crying. I am sad, I will miss this. there are many things I haven't done, dreams I haven't lived, food I never ate, places I haven't seen. still, it's ok.
I can only hope that everything will go as planned, that nothing will bother or stop me. genuinely I wish to leave this weekend, on the worst case scenarios along the next weeks. I don't feel sorry for myself and now that I've gotten so far I have no wish to come back, maybe that will happen tho, I can't foretell, if so I think I could never handle the embarassment, but that's something for future me, if alive, to worry.
