Proxar
Member
- Nov 21, 2024
- 20
(Disclaimer: not native,with some google.translate to help me)
Im planning on ctb with FSH this friday morning, hopefully SI dont kicks in.
Im from Chile in my 20s and to be honest,life havent been that bad for me, and i kinda feel guilty for it. There is alot of people who have suffer and right now surely there is people fighting for staying alive with all they got, but im so tired to live with no purpuse, feeling alone, knowing that every choice that i take along my life, all of them were the wrong ones and knowing im the one who is hurting my close ones.
Ive been feeling alone,sad and worthless since a kid cuz school was difficult for me, i wad threated like a stupid kid, always yelling me that i was "stupid" "ussless"," how can you dont do it right if "X" kid can do it?".
At 15's i got my first time being kicked out from school, becouse i wasnt smart enough and got all my grades red, and i didnt wanted to get into class anymore, mostly of the time at school i was hanging out of class, alone sitting somewhere listen to music waiting to the day to get over, and no one came to me and ask hey ¿Why are you not going into classes? Are you feeling ok? No one,no friends or even the teachers. At this point i have failed 2 years the same grade, i had friends in those years, but i always feel so left behind and alone, unable to feeling joy or just happy, thats was making me feel so unhappy.
Then i get into a new school were i find a large group of friends that i could be me and found out, i could be a happy kid, i could smile and laugh like crazy,but then this thing of my just hit me, out of the blue. The feeling of loneliless fucked me again, making me get distant to my friends, getting into weed and pills.
The cycle was starting again, and i was deep into shit, taking pills every day at school, after school, getting late to classes, getting late to home, hiding in school from friends and teachers. One day, i just snapped for the constant harras from the monitors telling me i cant wear a fucking earpice in a exhibition i was having, at the third time she just grabe my arm violently and says to me "Take that thing off right know" and tells me something like "no wonder the psych dont know what to do with you" and in that moment i hyperventilate and i just wanted to go somewhere to cry alone, becouse this guy was disccussing about me, my broken ass feelings exposed to some random monitor and who knows who else. I just walk to the school exit ,crying like a broken kid, defeated, hurting and when i get close to the exit , i just slammed the damn door (A metal door, genius right, if you slam the door,its going to make a wild sound,and so i did). Then all people acted instantly, asking me to calm down, like afraid of me, me! The quiet kid that doesnt harm anyone (There were severals kids that was robbing,selling drugs and well you know). They eventually called my parents and kicked me from school, 2do one lol. I couldnt even explain myself for what happend, cuz i already know they took the decision of kick me.
At this point i was lost, going party to party, takig every drug i can find, and that brings conssecuenses, i was getting into fights whenever i could. And ive always been the quiet kid, so everyone was making me look like this drug addict messed up kid and that was hurting me.
One day my parents had enough and makes us go live to another city.
Same thing, same cycle. I was fine until not. In that point tho i was fine, still smoking some weed but just that, i make it out of school, and then, this covid thing happend. I was going to online classes in the uni, but hey, this happend again,i stop attending to classes cuz i wasnt understanding anything at all, an all my classmates were getting it, making group friends. And there i was, feeling worthless, stupid and once again, alone. I drop uni and stayed those years without doing nothing until everything got normal again.
I was fine, working my ass off, but then the cycle starts again, i start selfsabotaging me once again, making me taking all the bad desicions i could.
Since then i struggle to get any job, or doing anything really, its like i give up on life long time ago, i reciently got some chronic pain dissues, becouse all i do in my life was just sitting playing games, depriving me from sleep, from thinking stuff,its like i just turn off my brain.
But i got enough of this feeling, i know for a fact im one of those who born broken, and there is no salvation for someone like me. There is no a single time i remember beeing happy.
And the worst thing is im getting this signals.. i got chronic ill, i got my pc fucked, my mom finally got the house we are living (My dad just left us over other family, hes living in a holiday house that i literally worked all my life, all my summer vacations (where i did not make a single friend), and we get the house that we used to live before whe change to city),my siblings are getting close to get out from school, and i notice them looking me like the real peace of trash that i am, cuz i know im not worth of anything, but knowing they already see my like i do, makes me feeling like shit.
Its like life is saying me "Just go, everything is going to be fine, your loved ones are fine, they are getting better, moving one like normal people."
But i know im gonna broke their hearts, especially my mom, and doing it close to christmas makes me feel so bad,i see them happy making the decoration for holidays and im gonna ruin it. But i dont know if i can make it for another 4 months, especially now with this fucking debilitating pain and nothing to distract myself.
Thanks if you read this, and thanks to me for giving me a chance to say this, becouse in irl i cant say it to no one.
I hope that anyone who reads can achieve their goals, whatever they may be.
Peace, love.
Proxar.
Im planning on ctb with FSH this friday morning, hopefully SI dont kicks in.
Im from Chile in my 20s and to be honest,life havent been that bad for me, and i kinda feel guilty for it. There is alot of people who have suffer and right now surely there is people fighting for staying alive with all they got, but im so tired to live with no purpuse, feeling alone, knowing that every choice that i take along my life, all of them were the wrong ones and knowing im the one who is hurting my close ones.
Ive been feeling alone,sad and worthless since a kid cuz school was difficult for me, i wad threated like a stupid kid, always yelling me that i was "stupid" "ussless"," how can you dont do it right if "X" kid can do it?".
At 15's i got my first time being kicked out from school, becouse i wasnt smart enough and got all my grades red, and i didnt wanted to get into class anymore, mostly of the time at school i was hanging out of class, alone sitting somewhere listen to music waiting to the day to get over, and no one came to me and ask hey ¿Why are you not going into classes? Are you feeling ok? No one,no friends or even the teachers. At this point i have failed 2 years the same grade, i had friends in those years, but i always feel so left behind and alone, unable to feeling joy or just happy, thats was making me feel so unhappy.
Then i get into a new school were i find a large group of friends that i could be me and found out, i could be a happy kid, i could smile and laugh like crazy,but then this thing of my just hit me, out of the blue. The feeling of loneliless fucked me again, making me get distant to my friends, getting into weed and pills.
The cycle was starting again, and i was deep into shit, taking pills every day at school, after school, getting late to classes, getting late to home, hiding in school from friends and teachers. One day, i just snapped for the constant harras from the monitors telling me i cant wear a fucking earpice in a exhibition i was having, at the third time she just grabe my arm violently and says to me "Take that thing off right know" and tells me something like "no wonder the psych dont know what to do with you" and in that moment i hyperventilate and i just wanted to go somewhere to cry alone, becouse this guy was disccussing about me, my broken ass feelings exposed to some random monitor and who knows who else. I just walk to the school exit ,crying like a broken kid, defeated, hurting and when i get close to the exit , i just slammed the damn door (A metal door, genius right, if you slam the door,its going to make a wild sound,and so i did). Then all people acted instantly, asking me to calm down, like afraid of me, me! The quiet kid that doesnt harm anyone (There were severals kids that was robbing,selling drugs and well you know). They eventually called my parents and kicked me from school, 2do one lol. I couldnt even explain myself for what happend, cuz i already know they took the decision of kick me.
At this point i was lost, going party to party, takig every drug i can find, and that brings conssecuenses, i was getting into fights whenever i could. And ive always been the quiet kid, so everyone was making me look like this drug addict messed up kid and that was hurting me.
One day my parents had enough and makes us go live to another city.
Same thing, same cycle. I was fine until not. In that point tho i was fine, still smoking some weed but just that, i make it out of school, and then, this covid thing happend. I was going to online classes in the uni, but hey, this happend again,i stop attending to classes cuz i wasnt understanding anything at all, an all my classmates were getting it, making group friends. And there i was, feeling worthless, stupid and once again, alone. I drop uni and stayed those years without doing nothing until everything got normal again.
I was fine, working my ass off, but then the cycle starts again, i start selfsabotaging me once again, making me taking all the bad desicions i could.
Since then i struggle to get any job, or doing anything really, its like i give up on life long time ago, i reciently got some chronic pain dissues, becouse all i do in my life was just sitting playing games, depriving me from sleep, from thinking stuff,its like i just turn off my brain.
But i got enough of this feeling, i know for a fact im one of those who born broken, and there is no salvation for someone like me. There is no a single time i remember beeing happy.
And the worst thing is im getting this signals.. i got chronic ill, i got my pc fucked, my mom finally got the house we are living (My dad just left us over other family, hes living in a holiday house that i literally worked all my life, all my summer vacations (where i did not make a single friend), and we get the house that we used to live before whe change to city),my siblings are getting close to get out from school, and i notice them looking me like the real peace of trash that i am, cuz i know im not worth of anything, but knowing they already see my like i do, makes me feeling like shit.
Its like life is saying me "Just go, everything is going to be fine, your loved ones are fine, they are getting better, moving one like normal people."
But i know im gonna broke their hearts, especially my mom, and doing it close to christmas makes me feel so bad,i see them happy making the decoration for holidays and im gonna ruin it. But i dont know if i can make it for another 4 months, especially now with this fucking debilitating pain and nothing to distract myself.
Thanks if you read this, and thanks to me for giving me a chance to say this, becouse in irl i cant say it to no one.
I hope that anyone who reads can achieve their goals, whatever they may be.
Peace, love.
Proxar.
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