Lacking ideas of what sort of experiences to have before ending it

[OrdinaryDay]

My time will come soon and what really bothers me is the thing that I don't know what I would like to experience before ending it. I get those moments of clarity followed by a slight feeling of euphoria when I think about catching the bus and at that time I can imagine doing almost everything this world has to offer. But if I get distracted for a while by real life problems such as financial or routine etc., it becomes hard for me to get back on planning and making last wishes. I get very excited when I think about leaving this body and ending the pain that this mind carries but I'm afraid it's the only thing left in this world that is able to get me aroused, my own death. And that's it.

I have already given up on trying to make my life better. It does never get better. When I try to come up with ideas of what I want to do before leaving I hit a dead end because I can't think of anything positive I would like to see. Like if life has run out of options for me and I am left with nothing but dying memories.

Sounds ridiculous but I would like to hear some suggestions because obviously I am lacking imagination (or I'm simply brain dead) before making the last decision in my life.
If anyone else is going through something similar, lets sort it out together :)

 

[TheGoodGuy]

Sounds amazing to give that feeling of euphoria or slight happiness when thinking about ctb I have experienced that a few times in the last year but only for like 2-3 seconds tops so I didn´t have time to relish in it.

For the thread if you are looking for like one last good day? You could maybe treat yourself to a nice meal at a restaurant you like or buy some Wagyu steak to eat maybe trying some drugs like MDMA because it´s pure euphoria out of this world like you wouldn´t believe yet it might give you a reason to live and also I personally want to be fully present when ctb not doing it on a hard comedown on a drug or something like that.

 

[Soul]

@OrdinaryDay, what continent do you live on? and are you looking for experiences that last a few hours or could they take a few days/two weeks or so? Is budget a consideration?

 

[charlottewilts]

yeah, i am experiencing the same thing. but because of anhedonia i've decided it would be pointless to have any sort of new experience.

i like to think about things i wish i could've done as a kid. stuff like going to a hedge maze, flying in a hot air balloon, seeing my favourite band live... if budget is not a problem, maybe you could fulfil some of your childhood wishes.

 

[astro]

My budget is pretty high so if my ECT works out I might visit the US and kill myself there as I've always felt I belonged more to the US than to Germany. If you have a decent budget you could visit Europe if you live in the US or vice versa.
EDIT: Concerts are also a good idea (for me personally).

 

[LMLN]

Do you have a budget to travel? If not, are there things in your area that you have not visited? There can be many things to do locally if you take a look. Otherwise simple things like some nice meals out and movies you'd like to see.

I guess I've been focusing on experiences for my loved ones. Simply because I've been so depressed and despondent that nothing I could do would bring me any joy or happiness for myself.

I have thought about traveling somewhere nice to ctb. But I'm thinking it would just cause trouble for my family. Having to get my remains back hime.

 

[Farmmaa]

In a perfect world, I would want to travel. I've had dreams for years of being able to see all of the countries on my bucket list.
In reality, I haven't had a vacation since 2007 and can't even afford one night in a fancy hotel.

I don't want to go to see my kids and grandbabies... it would be too hard... I'd be too emotional and they'd know something was seriously wrong. So, I'm left with being at home alone, like I have been every day for years. Once my house is cleaned and sorted, I'll just try to relax a little and re-watch all of my favorite movies one more time... maybe splurge on some King crab legs.

 

[OrdinaryDay]

@OrdinaryDay, what continent do you live on? and are you looking for experiences that last a few hours or could they take a few days/two weeks or so? Is budget a consideration?

The amount of time it would take doesn't really concern me as long as it allows me to experience joy once more before departing to the void. What concerns me is budget because I'm running low on my savings already. I would have to work again and save up some money but the thought about it is so draining because I want to be dead already

Do you have a budget to travel? If not, are there things in your area that you have not visited? There can be many things to do locally if you take a look. Otherwise simple things like some nice meals out and movies you'd like to see.

I guess I've been focusing on experiences for my loved ones. Simply because I've been so depressed and despondent that nothing I could do would bring me any joy or happiness for myself.

I have thought about traveling somewhere nice to ctb. But I'm thinking it would just cause trouble for my family. Having to get my remains back hime.

I can understand how you feel about family and loved ones because I am having a similar thing. They are the reason why I haven't done something messed up yet. Well only family to be accurate, because outside of it I don't have anybody.
If I could travel far away right now I would honestly would not hesitate, yeah I'm a bit selfish but that will not matter once I'm dead, right?
What I also can't decide about is a goodbye letter whether to write one or not.

 

[NeCkDeEp]

It depends on how adventurous you are but I would definitely recommend skydiving and bungeejumping!

 

[OrdinaryDay]

In a perfect world, I would want to travel. I've had dreams for years of being able to see all of the countries on my bucket list.
In reality, I haven't had a vacation since 2007 and can't even afford one night in a fancy hotel.

I don't want to go to see my kids and grandbabies... it would be too hard... I'd be too emotional and they'd know something was seriously wrong. So, I'm left with being at home alone, like I have been every day for years. Once my house is cleaned and sorted, I'll just try to relax a little and re-watch all of my favorite movies one more time... maybe splurge on some King crab legs.

This is quite close to my situation. I'm not saying that I don't enjoy my house or something, but it sometimes feel like I am trapped in here because there is nothing for me in the outside world, well travelling does not fall under this criteria, been a travel dreamer for a while now. But it's better than nothing I guess

My budget is pretty high so if my ECT works out I might visit the US and kill myself there as I've always felt I belonged more to the US than to Germany. If you have a decent budget you could visit Europe if you live in the US or vice versa.
EDIT: Concerts are also a good idea (for me personally).

I'd love to see USA and ctb there. Was thinking about it multiple times but I wish my budget wasn't a dream killer. Saving from almost scratch is so daunting to think about because I have very little energy left. I guess I will have to sell my computer and at least travel around Europe, where I am now.

@OrdinaryDay, what continent do you live on?

Europe

yeah, i am experiencing the same thing. but because of anhedonia i've decided it would be pointless to have any sort of new experience.

i like to think about things i wish i could've done as a kid. stuff like going to a hedge maze, flying in a hot air balloon, seeing my favourite band live... if budget is not a problem, maybe you could fulfil some of your childhood wishes.

Sounds great but far from reality, but still great. I wish my brain was as flexible and as creative as mine was back in the childhood then I would definitely stay here for a while before accomplishing every dream. But as adults we have to deal with rough reality and illness it serves us

Sounds amazing to give that feeling of euphoria or slight happiness when thinking about ctb I have experienced that a few times in the last year but only for like 2-3 seconds tops so I didn´t have time to relish in it.

For the thread if you are looking for like one last good day? You could maybe treat yourself to a nice meal at a restaurant you like or buy some Wagyu steak to eat maybe trying some drugs like MDMA because it´s pure euphoria out of this world like you wouldn´t believe yet it might give you a reason to live and also I personally want to be fully present when ctb not doing it on a hard comedown on a drug or something like that.

If I had more knowledge about drugs then I wouldn't have had to rely on other people to know what they are for me. I was always curios about mushrooms because they could be potentially helpful in depression treatment, but I have no clue where to get them.
I don't know why people are suggesting to have a nice meal before leaving, like it never was something too special for me but I get it. Gonna go with mcDonald's entire menu or something else reckless.

 

[Soul]

Well ... Even if it's not your favourite band, a music festival or similar event can provide a great dose of enthusiasm. Likewise, there's no shortage of political protests to participate in. Would you like to climb something, or cruise somewhere?