Venting Lacking courage

[Deleted member 1465]

My health is fast deteriorating. My impacted bowel is now intolerably painful. I've exhausted all methods of therapy from the docs and tried everything I can from advice that should work but doesnt. I can't get surgery either. I now hardly eat.

Even if I could shift this it would come straight back.

So yeah ready to ctb. But guess what? No courage to try. I've tried before and couldn't. Partly SI and partly the realisation that fate will make me fail and be even worse. Don't even have the facility to source materials as my main Internet is down.

I cannot act. So my fate is sealed and nature will take its course. Peritonitis and sepsis. Not a damn thing I can do. I almost feel like it's my duty to ctb before I become delirious and walk in front of a truck. Still I can't act. I have left it too late.

Meh apologies I'm wallowing. Can't help it. I'm trying to post more positive stuff on other people's posts but I'm lost in my situation.

 

[Rachel74]

Have you access to N or SN or is buying it a problem? X

 

[woxihuanni]

Please don't apologise, you have every right to share. Wish you could find relief, it's heart-breaking. Maybe pm users in the same area and seek support? They might understand your circumstances better in a way (options where you are, etc.).

You don't have to be positive when you are in pain, it's OK to open up. I'm just so frustrated someone as kind as you has to suffer while grabby little goblins have it much better. Unfair.

 

[Deleted member 1465]

Thank you. I hate so much all this self pity. Pain and lack of sleep have really changed who I am though I still try and post positive or off topic stuff on here. It's a distraction.

My brother and sister forced me to give them power of attorney on threat of them stopping helping me. So ordering stuff online is a problem. I wish I'd sourced sn or N before that but I was still determined to fight then.

So I'm stuck everyday getting worse having to accept my fate cus I don't have the capacity to change it.

Nature really sucks.

 

[heylightiforgot]

I'm in a similar situation; severe food intolerances and can barely eat or sleep. If I don't ctb I know I'm going to die in some horrible way, like an adrenal crisis. But still can't go through with it. I have SN but my gut dysfunction makes me skeptical I'd even keep it down.

 

[Deleted member 1465]

I'm in a similar situation; severe food intolerances and can barely eat or sleep. If I don't ctb I know I'm going to die in some horrible way, like an adrenal crisis. But still can't go through with it. I have SN but my gut dysfunction makes me skeptical I'd even keep it down.

I'm deeply sorry to hear that. Even if I could get sn I think my own digestive situation would be similar. Whilst it's good to have someone that understands, I wish you weren't in your situation

 

[Rachel74]

My brother made me power of attorney but I didn't restrict him buying anything. It was the opposite, it was his money so we wanted to spend it and be happy.

I'm deeply sorry to hear that. Even if I could get sn I think my own digestive situation would be similar. Whilst it's good to have someone that understands, I wish you weren't in your situation

I'd happily send you something x

 

[seekingoblivion]

Well ctb is not easy, mate. It apparently takes a certain kind of conditioning for most people.
Sorry to hear about your struggles. I can't imagine what it's like to deal with all that pain.

 

[ChristopherWalken]

This is longshot but have you looked into fecal matter transplants? I'm not joking it's shown a lot of potential for treating many conditions. The microbiome is more important than anyone ever realized.

 

[drake4871]

OP it's a scary thing to decide in the first place, and it's even scarier attempting or planning it out. The hardest part is when you actually go to do it, so just know you're not alone

 

[blackflag1]

From experience, CTB is better than sepsis under any circumstance. I have seen people linger for 6 months plus in an ICU with sepsis. Not a very good quality of life to say the least when they have a family wanting their life prolonged no matter what.

There are plenty of peaceful methods if you want to leave on your own terms. The SN talked about here regularly is quite peaceful. Anitemitecs are needed if taken orally but if you are comfortable IVing yourself, you won't need need them. Giving yourself an IV is not as bad as it sounds and the pain is really not that bad. Oxygen deprivation and peacefully going unconscious. You will still taste it which is a strange effect of IVing a drug but throwing up won't clear it from your system.

 

[Deleted member 1465]

This is longshot but have you looked into fecal matter transplants? I'm not joking it's shown a lot of potential for treating many conditions. The microbiome is more important than anyone ever realized.

I did once look into that yes. No chance of that with me though.
I'm considering sn. Unfortunately I also have to consider having to stop my laxative medication to take meto and also the likelihood that I will quickly go into urinate retention : I have to pee every hour during the day and every half hour at night.
It's never straight for with me!

 

[Deleted member 1465]

Emergency doc out today. No help. Pain steadily increasing. Trying to distract myself with posting on here. It's been good to connect with people as I don't get out anymore. If I do stop posting then I've been overwhelmed by my stupid condition. I'll try to be here if I can.
Goodnight.

 

[ChristopherWalken]

Keep posting then if it helps!! I'm going to try and send some positive energy to you when I meditate here in a minute

 

[Rachel74]

Keep posting then if it helps!! I'm going to try and send some positive energy to you when I meditate here in a minute

How are you doing these days?

 

[Deleted member 1465]

Meh tried to get my gp to come out got a nurse instead. Very sympathetic no help at all. Wanted me to go to a&e so I told her theyd kicked me out for this previously . Gp might call tomorrow so it might be a trip to hospital surgical assessment. That would mean either a total colectomy and colostomy bag or more likely getting kicked out again.

I won't manage life with a bag. My dad had one bt he had less other health issues to deal with and he was an amazing tough man.

But then I won't manage being kicked to the kerb again either.

Arggg my guts sound like a ketchup bottle being squeezed.

 

[Deleted member 1465]

Meh nurse practitioner called I'm now officially housebound and classified as likely terminal. And so they refer me back to a specialist to jump through all the hoops I had to jump through three yeas ago. And now I am so much weaker.

 

[khw777]

Meh nurse practitioner called I'm now officially housebound and classified as likely terminal. And so they refer me back to a specialist to jump through all the hoops I had to jump through three yeas ago. And now I am so much weaker.

Hi I can't imagine your pain. I'm sorry for your pain and suffering. Recently I had severe constipation and impacted bowel. I had a hemroids internal and external. My hemmroids are so bad I blood everytime I have bm. I can hardly pass gas without pain. I know this probably way tmi. I have stopped eating to starve myself to death.
It's so painful to a bm.

 

[Deleted member 1465]

Hi I can't imagine your pain. I'm sorry for your pain and suffering. Recently I had severe constipation and impacted bowel. I had a hemroids internal and external. My hemmroids are so bad I blood everytime I have bm. I can hardly pass gas without pain. I know this probably way tmi. I have stopped eating to starve myself to death.
It's so painful to a bm.

I wish this wasn't happening to you. How awful. I'm still eating a little but it ain't coming out. Causing massive and increasing pain. I'm dreading the natural conclusion of this but I've done everything I can to prevent or treat it and can't get any help. Though I've been a unsuccessful I'd happily share what info I can with you to try and help., better by PM though if you wish as it's a bit much for others to have to read.

 

[Jengator]

Hello,

Im in a similar situation. I have heavy metal poisoning, mold illness and Lyme disease. Being in mold and around EMF makes it even worse. Wish I could live outside somewhere. . I don't eat much. I've tried to order N but haven't received it. SN and other methods scare me. I hope you are comfortable and not In Too much pain.

 

[Deleted member 1465]

Hello,

Im in a similar situation. I have heavy metal poisoning, mold illness and Lyme disease. Being in mold and around EMF makes it even worse. Wish I could live outside somewhere. . I don't eat much. I've tried to order N but haven't received it. SN and other methods scare me. I hope you are comfortable and not In Too much pain.

Thanks Jengator. Your situation sounds awful too. Life really is a joke isn't it?

 

[Jengator]

Yeah. Im sorry you are going through this. Im horrified for my kids. I had a great life before I got sick. Now they have to grow up in this rough world without me. I hate this. I hope they will find a way to thrive and be happy. Or at least not suffer too much.

 

[Deleted member 1465]

Another day of worse pain another doctor. This one was particularly bad. Wouldn't look me in the eye didn't listen and couldn't wait to run for the door. Wants me to have an mri. Fine.
Also wants me to have a colonoscopy. Err. .. how? I have an impacted bowel that's why I called!
You'll need to clear out the bowel before a colonoscopy. How exactly is that going to happen then when you can't help me with that already?

*sigh* apologies for venting. If it takes so long to study to be a doctor then why are they all so fucking stupid? I swear the cleverest doctor I ever met was an archaeologist.

 

[Jengator]

Sorry you're going through this
I had to do coffee ememas for a few months earlier this year. And a few colonics. It didn't heal me but it did move things along for a little while. My apologies if you've already tried this.

 

[Deleted member 1465]

I just looked up coffee enema. Wow. It looks like a suicide method itself!

The advanced nurse practitioner wanted me to give a stool sample to help diagnose why I can't poop.
Does anyone else see the inherent problem with this?
Seriously starting to think the universe's is fucking with me.