Kore
Lonely in a room full of people…
- Nov 2, 2023
- 146
I don't know what to do anymore. I don't necessarily want to ctb, or at least not yet, but I don't know how to go on knowing what I know.
I am now fully consumed by nihilism. I feel like everybody knows it deep down, yet subconsciously chooses to keep the blindfold on. I have taken mine off, and nothing feels like it can ever be the same.
I don't know how to put energy into work anymore, into relationships with friends and family, into the simple things like washing the dishes. I feel like I'm waiting for something to change, but nothing will change. This is it now, this is life. It's now clear and unobstructed, it's shown itself for what it truly is - nothing.
I don't know how to process it.
I feel genuinely scared to talk to anyone irl about it, because I don't want to… infect them with the truth. I wish I could go back to blissful ignorance. But I also wish I had someone to talk to about it. I guess that's why I'm writing here to all you lovely people. The one place I can express these thoughts without worrying I'm just creating more chaos. Not… that it would even matter, anyway.
To explain to someone what I know would be to take their blindfold off, and while I'd have someone physical (as opposed to online) to share these thoughts with, I don't see how the knowledge could do anything other than fuck them up the way I feel fucked up.
Every battle I've ever been in, every worry and stress. All my efforts for my career, humiliations I endured through school, the arguments with friends and loved ones…….. it all meant nothing at all. They served no purpose, and no effort or struggle will ever accomplish anything, in the end.
I feel tiny, and yet claustrophobic. I feel empty, yet overflowing with anxiety.
One part of me wants to just get up and enjoy what is apparently called 'active nihilism', which means that you have accepted nihilist beliefs AND use them for your own good. Understanding it's all meaningless ultimately puts you back in control of your life - knowing that only you dictate how you will spend your days, knowing that you can assign your own values and morality to your life and can do with it what you want. That sounds like the only way forward, I guess. But I don't know how to get there.
Knowing that good and evil doesn't exist and that there are no ultimate consequences doesn't help anything; I'll still be put in a jail cell for my remaining days if I do something that society as a whole has decided is wrong.
Knowing that all of my fears and worries and struggles are all meaningless… doesn't make them any less real or potent to me.
Aside from the odd bro-back-slap from my dad, I haven't been hugged by someone in so long I can't even remember the last time. Must've been a few years by now. Man I could use a hug.
Maybe ending everything really is the only answer. I don't necessarily want to, but the numbers on my watch and calendar keep changing, time is moving, and yet my mood is set in stone. Each day that passes feels like I'm getting closer to something, but there is nothing. I feel lost. Alone. Scared, but I don't know what of.
There is no answer to my questions. No answer seems worse than a wrong answer, just perpetual unknown.
While I don't expect any responses, if you've read this far then thank you for reading my thoughts, and I'd like to just ask this:
Have you ever tried to explain to someone 'normal' (blindfolded people) anything like this? Tried to explain that it's all meaningless? How did they react if so? I feel like I would be causing legit mental suffering by telling this truth to anyone. And yet, I don't want to be this alone forever.
I am now fully consumed by nihilism. I feel like everybody knows it deep down, yet subconsciously chooses to keep the blindfold on. I have taken mine off, and nothing feels like it can ever be the same.
I don't know how to put energy into work anymore, into relationships with friends and family, into the simple things like washing the dishes. I feel like I'm waiting for something to change, but nothing will change. This is it now, this is life. It's now clear and unobstructed, it's shown itself for what it truly is - nothing.
I don't know how to process it.
I feel genuinely scared to talk to anyone irl about it, because I don't want to… infect them with the truth. I wish I could go back to blissful ignorance. But I also wish I had someone to talk to about it. I guess that's why I'm writing here to all you lovely people. The one place I can express these thoughts without worrying I'm just creating more chaos. Not… that it would even matter, anyway.
To explain to someone what I know would be to take their blindfold off, and while I'd have someone physical (as opposed to online) to share these thoughts with, I don't see how the knowledge could do anything other than fuck them up the way I feel fucked up.
Every battle I've ever been in, every worry and stress. All my efforts for my career, humiliations I endured through school, the arguments with friends and loved ones…….. it all meant nothing at all. They served no purpose, and no effort or struggle will ever accomplish anything, in the end.
I feel tiny, and yet claustrophobic. I feel empty, yet overflowing with anxiety.
One part of me wants to just get up and enjoy what is apparently called 'active nihilism', which means that you have accepted nihilist beliefs AND use them for your own good. Understanding it's all meaningless ultimately puts you back in control of your life - knowing that only you dictate how you will spend your days, knowing that you can assign your own values and morality to your life and can do with it what you want. That sounds like the only way forward, I guess. But I don't know how to get there.
Knowing that good and evil doesn't exist and that there are no ultimate consequences doesn't help anything; I'll still be put in a jail cell for my remaining days if I do something that society as a whole has decided is wrong.
Knowing that all of my fears and worries and struggles are all meaningless… doesn't make them any less real or potent to me.
Aside from the odd bro-back-slap from my dad, I haven't been hugged by someone in so long I can't even remember the last time. Must've been a few years by now. Man I could use a hug.
Maybe ending everything really is the only answer. I don't necessarily want to, but the numbers on my watch and calendar keep changing, time is moving, and yet my mood is set in stone. Each day that passes feels like I'm getting closer to something, but there is nothing. I feel lost. Alone. Scared, but I don't know what of.
There is no answer to my questions. No answer seems worse than a wrong answer, just perpetual unknown.
While I don't expect any responses, if you've read this far then thank you for reading my thoughts, and I'd like to just ask this:
Have you ever tried to explain to someone 'normal' (blindfolded people) anything like this? Tried to explain that it's all meaningless? How did they react if so? I feel like I would be causing legit mental suffering by telling this truth to anyone. And yet, I don't want to be this alone forever.
