idelttoilfsadness21
自由不迷失수直到死亡
- Jan 6, 2025
- 595
So, I'm making this post because I was reminded Valentines Day exist as a holiday…
lol, don't know why I have to be reminded that I live with people again to constantly subject me to mental torment as they bring up events that makes me deeply overwhelmed constantly (everything traumatizes me when I talk to people outside more these days), and I was asked about my ex boyfriend and marriage and wish to share my failed romance and how I was almost married if anyone cares to read about this, and if not, continue ignoring.
It's okay
I met him late last year into the year (won't say for personal reasons especially as I kept it as a personal date and the month still pain me to even say out loud without crying each time I'm fucking reminded of it) accidentally, and it was… the best feeling of love I never expected to come true, and I've shared a lot here, so it's no surprise if I somehow managed to share about my past with how I struggled with being around guys and safe to that around my late teens, I got comfortable, but I wasn't happy…
Being around him, when I was three years into opening myself up emotionally from neglect and emotional abuse and being comfortable to finally express my sexuality (I was a closeted straight girl who was forced to not have feelings for the opposite sex
) felt like a dream, and knowing that he liked me first felt like the most romantic feeling, as I am not beautiful in the slightest and lost my beauty from dealing with these people who called me their parents and why I hate dealing with everyone who told me to appreciate my parents so damn much and why it is a deep sensitive subject for me.
I felt mortified for years that I lost something so precious to me and it was taken from me, being my experience to explore my femininity and to be happy and loved, and instead was forced to look like a toad and deal with looking like an androgynous male with short feminine features that made me feel so uncomfortable since I was out through this and yet have a feminine body that I dread looking out, especially as it's not how I wish it would be… I'm basically a bitter face essentially, yet… he accepted me as this was the biggest reason I stayed away from boys after my first boyfriend and was laughed at for even liking guys as I was…
He loved my heart, my emotions, and my personality, and we got along for the first four days, hung out, talked and talked, and we introduced each other to taking it slow, and then fast, shared our faces, voices, and even our parents (sort of?
— my parents were judging him so damn much and only cared about me being a slave and barely talk to me and weren't open to me being happy, of course they neglected me, why would they care even when their middle child of a daughter was in genuine love?), and it all went by so fast and quickly, yet we both saw time moving and we were still the same people, but cracks began to open slowly…
We then started talking about marriage and he basically proposed to me, especially as we talked of the future, and he did very much wanted to marry me, and claims this was his way of wanting to make sure we have our first little ceremony, we listened to music, and just continued talking about life, as we both were getting our year await, and he wanted to arrange me to go meet him…
We were already finding lawyers that year to even get me a citizenship to be with him, but I knew it wouldn't work out…
Hardly anything happened in my life on my own and I was already showing so much stress in self isolating myself from him and talked about suicide once with him — which he never forgot about, especially when I lied about some things to his mom, which he couldn't understand, despite me sharing my vulnerabilities with him. This had put us through a stain of me having to verbalize my needs to take a break from him which he perhaps hated as he admired my resilience and my ability to still stick around when I was struggling with my signs of weakness and kept him company, and it drove me sad knowing I had to fake things, so I self sabotaged our relationship and became annoying to him…
With what I already struggle with already…
Emotional stress and pain from my monophobia and years of torture and torment, I just had to do what I could and I always had some type of dark humor I had which didn't bother me when it came to me finding some things funny and so I was annoying to him by just sharing my needs over until he had the idea to break up with him and made him hate me and sort of used this mind game for him to equally break off our engagement too, as he was planning an engagement party, and he broke the news to his parents too…
His parents followed me on everything too, and…
Yeah, it was so hard when it was his birthday and I had to pretend like nothing happened…
It's been a year since then and we talked about Christmas to not even celebrate it and if we celebrated Valentines together too ((':
It breaks my heart so much knowing I have to go through this shit and be reminded of another filed time in my life especially as I can't fucking catch a god damn break
My stress factors kicked in when we were planning our move and I was dealing with shit in the state I live in as it brought me so much turmoil in the system and gave me so much anxiety that I never had from my monophobia… that I felt he was pressuring me but I knew he wasn't… he was just really adamant on seeing me and being with him, and I wanted to so badly, as well, but knew I wasn't gonna make it…
Plus, he wanted me to share everything that was on my heart, which he didn't mind, but I did and he claims me distancing myself and self isolating was the biggest cause for our breakup :'))
That's my story…
Of how my boyfriend/fiancée and I drifted and are now ex lovers…
I truly will always miss him and be reminded of how special he was and how much I hate myself for existing in this fucked up world that did this to me, especially as he was more privileged than I and never knew true fear and sadness, despite having those moments…
I truly loved him a lot and I could've been a bride and happy with him and much confident perhaps?
We won't never know lol
Thank you for reading this story of mine ((':
lol, don't know why I have to be reminded that I live with people again to constantly subject me to mental torment as they bring up events that makes me deeply overwhelmed constantly (everything traumatizes me when I talk to people outside more these days), and I was asked about my ex boyfriend and marriage and wish to share my failed romance and how I was almost married if anyone cares to read about this, and if not, continue ignoring.
It's okay
I met him late last year into the year (won't say for personal reasons especially as I kept it as a personal date and the month still pain me to even say out loud without crying each time I'm fucking reminded of it) accidentally, and it was… the best feeling of love I never expected to come true, and I've shared a lot here, so it's no surprise if I somehow managed to share about my past with how I struggled with being around guys and safe to that around my late teens, I got comfortable, but I wasn't happy…
Being around him, when I was three years into opening myself up emotionally from neglect and emotional abuse and being comfortable to finally express my sexuality (I was a closeted straight girl who was forced to not have feelings for the opposite sex
) felt like a dream, and knowing that he liked me first felt like the most romantic feeling, as I am not beautiful in the slightest and lost my beauty from dealing with these people who called me their parents and why I hate dealing with everyone who told me to appreciate my parents so damn much and why it is a deep sensitive subject for me.I felt mortified for years that I lost something so precious to me and it was taken from me, being my experience to explore my femininity and to be happy and loved, and instead was forced to look like a toad and deal with looking like an androgynous male with short feminine features that made me feel so uncomfortable since I was out through this and yet have a feminine body that I dread looking out, especially as it's not how I wish it would be… I'm basically a bitter face essentially, yet… he accepted me as this was the biggest reason I stayed away from boys after my first boyfriend and was laughed at for even liking guys as I was…
He loved my heart, my emotions, and my personality, and we got along for the first four days, hung out, talked and talked, and we introduced each other to taking it slow, and then fast, shared our faces, voices, and even our parents (sort of?
— my parents were judging him so damn much and only cared about me being a slave and barely talk to me and weren't open to me being happy, of course they neglected me, why would they care even when their middle child of a daughter was in genuine love?), and it all went by so fast and quickly, yet we both saw time moving and we were still the same people, but cracks began to open slowly…We then started talking about marriage and he basically proposed to me, especially as we talked of the future, and he did very much wanted to marry me, and claims this was his way of wanting to make sure we have our first little ceremony, we listened to music, and just continued talking about life, as we both were getting our year await, and he wanted to arrange me to go meet him…
We were already finding lawyers that year to even get me a citizenship to be with him, but I knew it wouldn't work out…
Hardly anything happened in my life on my own and I was already showing so much stress in self isolating myself from him and talked about suicide once with him — which he never forgot about, especially when I lied about some things to his mom, which he couldn't understand, despite me sharing my vulnerabilities with him. This had put us through a stain of me having to verbalize my needs to take a break from him which he perhaps hated as he admired my resilience and my ability to still stick around when I was struggling with my signs of weakness and kept him company, and it drove me sad knowing I had to fake things, so I self sabotaged our relationship and became annoying to him…
With what I already struggle with already…
Emotional stress and pain from my monophobia and years of torture and torment, I just had to do what I could and I always had some type of dark humor I had which didn't bother me when it came to me finding some things funny and so I was annoying to him by just sharing my needs over until he had the idea to break up with him and made him hate me and sort of used this mind game for him to equally break off our engagement too, as he was planning an engagement party, and he broke the news to his parents too…
His parents followed me on everything too, and…
Yeah, it was so hard when it was his birthday and I had to pretend like nothing happened…
It's been a year since then and we talked about Christmas to not even celebrate it and if we celebrated Valentines together too ((':
It breaks my heart so much knowing I have to go through this shit and be reminded of another filed time in my life especially as I can't fucking catch a god damn break
My stress factors kicked in when we were planning our move and I was dealing with shit in the state I live in as it brought me so much turmoil in the system and gave me so much anxiety that I never had from my monophobia… that I felt he was pressuring me but I knew he wasn't… he was just really adamant on seeing me and being with him, and I wanted to so badly, as well, but knew I wasn't gonna make it…
Plus, he wanted me to share everything that was on my heart, which he didn't mind, but I did and he claims me distancing myself and self isolating was the biggest cause for our breakup :'))
That's my story…
Of how my boyfriend/fiancée and I drifted and are now ex lovers…
I truly will always miss him and be reminded of how special he was and how much I hate myself for existing in this fucked up world that did this to me, especially as he was more privileged than I and never knew true fear and sadness, despite having those moments…
I truly loved him a lot and I could've been a bride and happy with him and much confident perhaps?
We won't never know lol
Thank you for reading this story of mine ((':
I really wished I was loved again and had skin to skin content 
If you decide to stay here Livia, I hope you find someone who is absolutely crazy in love with you 
