knowing a person I love will die

[orpheus_]

I had a dream today that me and my friend (who is suicidal) were sitting on a bridge and talking about how shitty their situation is and how they want to die. I treated it as a regular conversation, like nothing was about to happen in this very moment...Suddendly they jumped into the water and I saw them drown. I still have that image engraved in my mind.

I just know they will do it soon. Not necessarily in this specific way, but I know they will ctb. I mean, they did not say anything explicit but I feel it.

And that's fucking heartbreaking. I don't want to make the decision for them and I know they have a right to their own life, and I know they are suffering. Besides, what more I could do? I already have been helping them for a long time, including seeking professional help for them. I know they just don't want to suffer anymore and I should respect that. Yet I cannot take the fact that they will be gone. Maybe in a few weeks, maybe a few months.

I know I'm being selfish but they are honestly the only person who I ever had a close relationship with. I can't open up to people, I know it's a problem with me and "go to therapy" etc, but I just know people don't care and I'm too scared to come closer to anyone. All my relationships are just me performing.
Besides I know that I fucked up many things, and if I made some different decisions they wouldn't have to go through the trauma that is their final argument. I know their situation could get better and they like many things about life and can be happy, but they just can't take all the suffering anymore. And again, I should recpect it. I know. I also know our relationship was... Questionable in some things, and they have been abusive to me in the past, now it's much more normal yet still hard because of some of their traits. Still we care about each other and I want what's best for them. It's just simply.. my heart breaks, knowing I will loose the person I love. And be completely alone with it because I'm not that close with anyone to tell them about it, besides my one other friend but I know she's going through a very hard time right now, and I should be supporting her, not putting her through even more negative stuff.

I want to live, I think. A part of me wants to and I have been slowly getting any motivation to do things. I just dread the moment they ctb and I know it's partially my fault because I fucked up so much, and I feel like I don't deserve to "have a good life" because they got so traumatized because of me

 

[SoLowHollow48]

When the time comes, all you can do is recuperate with the loss. It will hurt. Hell, you'll probably harm others around you after they're gone like I did. But it'll all pass eventually. Just know that it's their very own decision and it may be difficult to accept now but you can't save everyone. You can't help everyone in your life. You've tried your best and it's not enough because you're just one person. That's fine. It's not your fault that this is like, a force majeur.

My condolences.

 

[orpheus_]

When the time comes, all you can do is recuperate with the loss. It will hurt. Hell, you'll probably harm others around you after they're gone like I did. But it'll all pass eventually. Just know that it's their very own decision and it may be difficult to accept now but you can't save everyone. You can't help everyone in your life. You've tried your best and it's not enough because you're just one person. That's fine. It's not your fault that this is like, a force majeur.

My condolences.

Thank you. I know I can't save everyone but I ever had, like, two people in my life who I could even call friends, all my relationships were always superficial. It's like. I had one job, to help them. And I fucked up. Knowing how much suffering I caused. I don't want to harm anyone else and I know I should die when they're gone but something in me wants to live. At the same time though I feel like I will never experience anything positive after they do it.

 

[SoLowHollow48]

At the same time though I feel like I will never experience anything positive after they do it.

I can't give you certainty but you can. It's slow. Very slow. Everything will be dark as fuck at first. If you still want to live, I'd suggest burying your head deep in your hobbies and just stepping aside from SaSu for a while. From personal experience, this place is too lenient with separating between visitors who are actively suicidal and those who just want to vent. You'll end up looking into methods and fall deeper into the void.

Godspeed, orpheus. Don't look back.