Venting Kindness out of nowhere

[Timelapse]

I was in my dealer's car and he ask me how I was holding up.
I hadn't seen him in 3 months.

I tried to say everything is okay but... I started to bawl...
I told him a little about what I was going through

he understood.. he went through depression before..
he offered me my money back and to keep the product...

I could hear how kind he was in his voice.. in his choice of words...

I politely declined and said thank you.

I needed to feel this feeling of kindness from someone.

But money is not what I need.

I need to find my person.

Someone to cherish and to care about.

He said to call him anytime I needed to vent... but I wont...

I cannot let someone in again...

I get intense the more I get comfortable with people and talk a lot of empty nothings to focus my mind out of my self-hatred.

But I'm happy he offered.

And now I can numb myself with this product.

I feel slightly better today... even tho the day started horribly.

I'm happy there is people out there who still can care.

But of course I feel like SaSu cares too.. which is why I'm still here writing things on the forum.







I know I may have written stuff that make me seem like I hate the world... but that's just misdirected anger.

Love is all that matters to me..

I love my cats.

I love certain unremarkable humans that have crossed my path.

I love the music I listen to distract myself.






But my love is toxic. I get obsessif.

And at the first sign of irritation from anyone... I recluse myself.

I just hope I can find that someone one day... if I dont CTB.







All I can think about is to CTB.. but I keep procrastinating to find a proper method... or so I say.

To be honest, I'm ready to stab myself in the neck at any moment... I think about it constantly... but I fear...

I fear pain.

I fear the reprisal of a possible afterlife.

I fear facing a deity and admitting I was a coward... that I hid all my life

I fear seeing people that died that I have wronged... no matter how innocent I feel in my mind..

I fear that death will be like the sleep paralysis that haunted me my whole life...

I fear what I want the most out of my death... The emptiness of feelings and emotions... to stare into the abyss for eternity... to never hear or see her again...

I fear to be aware while dead...

I fear causing pain to the people that say they care about me.. the people that say they are there for me... even if they are never by my side.






Even tho I fear... I feel ebullient... That I can end this... if I truly wanted to... That I could muster the courage to hang myself or ingest this product whole and be done with it





Why I don't?







The reality is... I wish I was healthy...

I wish I didn't have these recurring thoughts of displeasure...

I wish I was clueless and go about my day...

to wake up and eat properly...

to go to work.. and to be proud of my profession without smugness...

then go to a bar to meet friends and order only juice...

or actually do an activity that doesn't seem lethargic...

to work as a group... to feel teamwork

to smoke my weed at the appropriate time...

sleep...

repeat.





I wish I could temper my emotions and cease to be hysterical in my mind.








Wishing is all good... but being stagnant and waiting for everything to fall into my lap.... its no way to live

I hate platitudes and religious sayings but one thing always sounded true to me "God help those who help themselves"

I haven't been good to myself...

Ive left myself down and just acted nonchalant about serious situations in my life...





I remember in 6th grade... laughing at the principal while he was yelling at me for reasons I dont care to remember...

Now all I can think is... I was crying for help then...

I wish that when I told my principal "I'm laughing because you cannot do worse to me than what my father does" that he would have noticed my pain and help me out of my home situation

But instead he said "you clearly deserve it"

And I did...

I do...

I deserve all the pain that I got...

Ive been a lazy, good for nothing, person

I still am




Having my delusions of grandeur shattered by 8th grade...

Being sent to the troublesome closed-off wing of the school.. for always defending myself physically rather than with words...

To be harass and spit on almost daily by true racist delinquents... all bunched up in a small part of the school...

I was never the same... "l'aile G" showed me who I truly was... or rather it shaped my mind to be what I am today.




I feel like I am nothing.

Like what I have to say doesn't matter.

Like I'm wasting my time trying to be someone I'm not.. for people that seem to care... until they don't




But he cared... today... he showed me a glimmer of light....

As dim as it is in my mind..

I can feel content right now

Its not hope... not exactly

Just a feeling of relief... for now.