butterfly3
Student
- Apr 2, 2022
- 119
2020, 2021 and last year my life was actually terrible. I was so dead set on ctbing and nothing in my life was going my way, like i'd wake up and be annoyed that i'd woken up. I had no motivation for anything.
now, my life has improved since late 2022. like before I had no friends but I actually do have some now which feels kinda crazy.
the problem is, I'm still not happy. i've tried everything. I even begun to think I have high functioning depression because I feel so down inside, but I still make sure to get up, take care of myself, shower, attend lectures unlike before.
There is still a weird emptiness in myself that I don't think can ever be filled unless I get to travel to the past before I became depressed or something.
I'm just not happy, and I don't know what I can do to make myself happy.
I said I have made a few friends, but I still spend a lot of time alone. I used to deeply enjoy spending time alone before I fell into a depressive episode, as I had so much to entertain me and I had a curious mind that could enjoy anything. but those things i used to enjoy just don't do it for me anymore and I don't know why.
I've tried reading, movies, walks, music, cartoons, drawing, but nothing seems to interest or excite me anymore. I don't want to sound cringe or like an edge lord, but I feel like there is actually a void inside of me.
the deep depression I fell into at the end of 2020 feels like it was a curse. like even though I got through the really tough bits that were objectively difficult, I think the whole episode kinda destroyed me as a person, and so it still affects me even though it's "over". I still carry lots of habits that I developed during this time as well, like the negative thinking patterns, complete pessimism, and the binging and restricting, which really affects my life and mental state.
To be fair, I did have anxiety before. I can remember being around 14-15 and having really bad anxiety about almost everything, but for me in particular, anxiety alone is easier to deal with than depression and anxiety combined like i've dealt with recently, and it didn't affect me and my life as badly as this episode did.
I had anxiety back then, but I honestly miss that period of time as it was the most relaxed/best time in my teenage years, regardless of my worries and anxious thoughts, which kinda says a lot about how shitty my teenage years have been.
I still have really bad anxiety and guilt problems today. One that's hung be up recently is that I always get worried that one day this site will be illegal and everything i've said on here will be used against me or get me in trouble or something which would honestly just make me ctb impulsively or something, but that's just me digressing.
I feel so ungrateful for feeling this way as people are going through worse, but I can't help it.
I don't know if I still want to ctb, as life isn't as completely unbearable as before, but I still don't like it here. Everything is just such a drag.
now, my life has improved since late 2022. like before I had no friends but I actually do have some now which feels kinda crazy.
the problem is, I'm still not happy. i've tried everything. I even begun to think I have high functioning depression because I feel so down inside, but I still make sure to get up, take care of myself, shower, attend lectures unlike before.
There is still a weird emptiness in myself that I don't think can ever be filled unless I get to travel to the past before I became depressed or something.
I'm just not happy, and I don't know what I can do to make myself happy.
I said I have made a few friends, but I still spend a lot of time alone. I used to deeply enjoy spending time alone before I fell into a depressive episode, as I had so much to entertain me and I had a curious mind that could enjoy anything. but those things i used to enjoy just don't do it for me anymore and I don't know why.
I've tried reading, movies, walks, music, cartoons, drawing, but nothing seems to interest or excite me anymore. I don't want to sound cringe or like an edge lord, but I feel like there is actually a void inside of me.
the deep depression I fell into at the end of 2020 feels like it was a curse. like even though I got through the really tough bits that were objectively difficult, I think the whole episode kinda destroyed me as a person, and so it still affects me even though it's "over". I still carry lots of habits that I developed during this time as well, like the negative thinking patterns, complete pessimism, and the binging and restricting, which really affects my life and mental state.
To be fair, I did have anxiety before. I can remember being around 14-15 and having really bad anxiety about almost everything, but for me in particular, anxiety alone is easier to deal with than depression and anxiety combined like i've dealt with recently, and it didn't affect me and my life as badly as this episode did.
I had anxiety back then, but I honestly miss that period of time as it was the most relaxed/best time in my teenage years, regardless of my worries and anxious thoughts, which kinda says a lot about how shitty my teenage years have been.
I still have really bad anxiety and guilt problems today. One that's hung be up recently is that I always get worried that one day this site will be illegal and everything i've said on here will be used against me or get me in trouble or something which would honestly just make me ctb impulsively or something, but that's just me digressing.
I feel so ungrateful for feeling this way as people are going through worse, but I can't help it.
I don't know if I still want to ctb, as life isn't as completely unbearable as before, but I still don't like it here. Everything is just such a drag.
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