Discussion KILL THE "MONSTER"!!

[GarageKarate07]

KILL THE MONSTER!!



This is one of the thoughts that goes through some of our minds at some point. Some of us see ourselves as evil or bad or a burden. This is always the depression talking but that doesn't mean that there are not valid reasons that we feel that way. We realise that we have treated people in a raw manner because we are upset with ourselves or because past abuse has left us only a shell of a person. I was looking through "narcissistic" traits (because of another recent thread) and I recognized that I and a few others have a few of those traits but also that does not mean that we are necessarily bad. Standing up for yourself and being proud is a good thing. While being abusive is too much of a good thing and leaves us or our loved ones hurt because we couldn't see our actions while they were going on. Again this is the depression. This is the monster that emerges from abuse and simply lack of love sometimes. A good thing to remember is we are all going through hell. The person you hate the most is also going through their version of hell. Such is the way we seem to be living in this world at this time. I'm not saying this as an excuse but I am saying that without deep and understanding conversation with patience and the willingness to hear all sides we can be left blind to the reasons behind the reasons. We are not all bad. This would be a foolish and unkind thing to say not only about ourselves but others as well. Even the people we really hate and believe me I have my own list of "@*%$!#" just like you. There is far more to everyone here and we are complex and sometimes confused because of many many influences. Some of these lessons come swiftly with age as you pay your own rent and live life on the constant "hamster wheel", and some come soon as you parent tells you in a mean way to tie your shoe but then you fall. You might be mad at mom but you fell and learned the hard way. It sucks but we grow from it. My point is I feel in my despair that I only see the MONSTER. I only feel the MONSTER. I only am the MONSTER to my loved ones because of many reasons. In this state of self hating depression I only wish in my CTB that I can and will KILL THE MONSTER!! I want it to die so that I may rest from it. I don't want to be hateful and angry. I don't want to feel as though I am unworthy of love and friendships. I want my loved ones to see past the monster as one of the unfortunate survival skills I leaned to cope with the harsh cold world that I was thrust into. There is far more than just the monster but in killing the monster perhaps we can finally just be and feel human for once. If we had actually healthcare and we lived in a good world we could rid ourselves of this much more easily but this is sadly not that world. I would like to feel like I deserve to smile again. I would like in part to kill that monster. This is one of the greatest reasons some of us choose to make this final decision to CTB and shed that monster we have grown so accustomed to. This may not describe all of us here but I know that it is many of us. We cry because we feel the monster has become so terrible. We only wish it to go away.

I'm am trying my best to cover BOTH sides of hate and love because we really do have the compliments of both. It can be hard but try to remember that not only for yourself but others as well. Also remember that you can get rid of the monster while you are here, but when/if you finally make that decision to gamble it all away, please take the monster with you and let it go on the other side. Be free of the God damned thing. Be free.

 

[Dr Iron Arc]

My point is I feel in my despair that I only see the MONSTER. I only feel the MONSTER. I only am the MONSTER to my loved ones because of many reasons. In this state of self hating depression I only wish in my CTB that I can and will KILL THE MONSTER!! I want it to die so that I may rest from it. I don't want to be hateful and angry. I don't want to feel as though I am unworthy of love and friendships. I want my loved ones to see past the monster as one of the unfortunate survival skills I leaned to cope with the harsh cold world that I was thrust into. There is far more than just the monster but in killing the monster perhaps we can finally just be and feel human for once.

Dang...this hit a little too close to home for me though for me it's a little different. They say you don't have to forgive your abusers but when I've become my own abuser the only thing stopping me from thrusting that upon other people is the same laziness that I've used to hurt other people rather than empathy... I feel this makes both sides of me monsters in different ways and they both need to be eliminated...

 

[Mentalmick]

I definitely have to keep my bad side in check. I'm very quiet in real life but when anxious I am prone to getting extremely angry at myself and punching walls and stuff. The way I speak to people also changes and I can't always hold it back so I end up being snarky or vindictive to people. I hate the guilt afterwards.

 

[GarageKarate07]

Dang...this hit a little too close to home for me though for me it's a little different. They say you don't have to forgive your abusers but when I've become my own abuser the only thing stopping me from thrusting that upon other people is the same laziness that I've used to hurt other people rather than empathy... I feel this makes both sides of me monsters in different ways and they both need to be eliminated...

Right. It's a "look in the mirror" kind of thing. Also remember all the things that make you good. Are you nice to cats and dogs and babies? That's you being kind and loving. I myself throw bugs out when they are inside the window. Even poisonous ones. I don't know what their job is but they deserve that chance. Trying to see how good you are while in that dark place can be very difficult.

I definitely have to keep my bad side in check. I'm very quiet in real life but when anxious I am prone to getting extremely angry at myself and punching walls and stuff. The way I speak to people also changes and I can't always hold it back so I end up being snarky or vindictive to people. I hate the guilt afterwards.

Hitting pillows is great for you. You can punch the couch for about 10 minutes and feel a lot better. You also tire yourself out and can sometimes take a rest or a nap and reset. I dented my car once and i had a $200 new toy that I smashed against the wall. I just get so tired of doing useless human stuff for no reward. It sucks. Being bottled up sucks.

 

[Dr Iron Arc]

Right. It's a "look in the mirror" kind of thing. Also remember all the things that make you good. Are you nice to cats and dogs and babies? That's you being kind and loving. I myself throw bugs out when they are inside the window. Even poisonous ones. I don't know what their job is but they deserve that chance. Trying to see how good you are while in that dark place can be very difficult.

I guess I do act nice towards those creatures but I'm pretty sure dogs, cats, and babies love me only because they can smell the inferiority in me and know I'd submit to their every whim more out of fear than kindness?

As for bugs, I'm too scared to do anything about them but I always get someone else to get rid of them I don't care if they kill the bugs or set them free. I've killed lots of ants though because they just won't quit swarming random pieces of food on the ground in my house and just when I think everything is clean, they still get all over kitchen towels or even the toilet for some odd reason.

Guess that's going off on a bit of a tangent but I suppose yes I do sometimes do good deeds, though because they're all out of self-preservation I'm always questioning my motivations still like giving a friend a ride to their house won't forgive the things I did even if I became their personal chauffeur for eternity... I also always worry that doing good deeds just to erase bad deeds cancels out the good results because the intentions were just as corrupt and that always haunts me too...

 

[GarageKarate07]

I guess I do act nice towards those creatures but I'm pretty sure dogs, cats, and babies love me only because they can smell the inferiority in me and know I'd submit to their every whim more out of fear than kindness?

As for bugs, I'm too scared to do anything about them but I always get someone else to get rid of them I don't care if they kill the bugs or set them free. I've killed lots of ants though because they just won't quit swarming random pieces of food on the ground in my house and just when I think everything is clean, they still get all over kitchen towels or even the toilet for some odd reason.

Guess that's going off on a bit of a tangent but I suppose yes I do sometimes do good deeds, though because they're all out of self-preservation I'm always questioning my motivations still like giving a friend a ride to their house won't forgive the things I did even if I became their personal chauffeur for eternity... I also always worry that doing good deeds just to erase bad deeds cancels out the good results because the intentions were just as corrupt and that always haunts me too...

I can understand that. Like when people go to church and smack their kids around in the car on the way home or when people give beggars a dollar but then they get a selfie of it.