Keep Second Guessing CTB

[tired_of_this]

Hey everyone,

I have been scrolling through this forum obsessively for the past week and its the only thing that's given me any sort of relief. I have been diagnosed with Bipolar, Anxiety, Severe Depression, and agoraphobia. Every day is a complete fucking struggle; I am filled with resentment, fear, and apathy towards the world. As I've gotten into my twenties, my mental health has gotten worse and worse. I can't imagine spending another 50 years living as this shell of a human being. I have no friends left and struggle to even walk to the grocery store. It's been difficult for me to even hold small conversations with family members. I really want to just ctb and be done with this shithole of an existence but deep down I'm scared. Scared of going to Hell and burning there forever, being born again into this meaningless shithole of a universe with the same mental problems, or failing and ending up a vegetable. I ordered SN and it should be here Wednesday, and the antiemetics are coming in the next two weeks. I wish I had money for N but I havent worked in over a month and honestly dont have the will to get another job and save up for it. ugh

 

[TimeToDie]

I can related to a lot of what you said. For me it's not fear of hell, since I've never believed in anything supernatural. For me it's fear of pain even though a shotgun blast to the head seems as close to instant death as we can possibly get. I used to worry about the risk of survival and being a vegetable. You can find a horrifying YouTube video of a guy which his face removed being taken into a trauma center and the only way you can even tell that it once was a face is by the fact that it's at the top end of a body. Avoiding possible pain isn't logical as every passing moment of life inflicts further mental & physical suffering. And the only alternative to suicide is living till natural death, a natural death which quite likely will involve terror & pain anyhow. Pain, terror, and death can't be avoided no matter what.

 

[Daigoro’sDisciple]

As to whether or not you should CTB, I believe you are the only person who should have any say in that decision — and I do urge you to think it through thoroughly! Regarding your phobias and disorders I'd recommend you to try maintaining a healthy lifestyle (food, sleep, excercise and so on) and keep facing those fears every day, eventually you'll likely be able to push them back if you just keep at it. Though, if you retreat, just for a day or two, they might gain the upper hand just as fast. I hope you find an answer you feel at peace with!

 

[not_a_robot]

Honestly the only thing that keeps me alive sometimes is knowing I've already lived through most of the worst things that can happen to me. Most things I would rather have died to avoid, already happened. I don't know where I'm going with this, I just know the opportunity to spare myself any pain is long gone. It's like
"how on earth do I stay?"
and
"well, why bother leaving now?"

 

[Talpa]

I can relate to you on a lot of things. I'm also riddled with mental issues that make life hell. The thought of going on for 30, 40, 50 more years is a damn nightmare. Used be scared of the great unknown but after thinking about it for a while I am set on there either not being an afterlife, which is most likely, or if there is one I'm going to be reincarnated into a similar situation. So in other words, after I CTB it can't get worse. But going on living it most definitely will. Even if I think I hit the absolute rock bottom, the floor crumbles beneath me yet again. The fact that you are afraid means that the fear of the unknown is bigger than the existential suffering at this moment. But do yourself a favor, while it is alright in my book to believe in a higher power, don't buy into this religion BS.
Just watch out not to needlessly prolong your suffering by false fears or hopes too much, it's a mistake I made and wish I didn't.

 

[Lakeshow]

Same here, browsing gives a weird sense of comfort. I think it's normal though. When the deed is done, you have one path. It's natural and far easier to evaluate the "what ifs". Life tends to be based on probability, so if you're hesitant, I'd seek help.

 

[not_a_robot]

Inspirobot says

 

[Ladylethal]

Hey everyone,

I have been scrolling through this forum obsessively for the past week and its the only thing that's given me any sort of relief. I have been diagnosed with Bipolar, Anxiety, Severe Depression, and agoraphobia. Every day is a complete fucking struggle; I am filled with resentment, fear, and apathy towards the world. As I've gotten into my twenties, my mental health has gotten worse and worse. I can't imagine spending another 50 years living as this shell of a human being. I have no friends left and struggle to even walk to the grocery store. It's been difficult for me to even hold small conversations with family members. I really want to just ctb and be done with this shithole of an existence but deep down I'm scared. Scared of going to Hell and burning there forever, being born again into this meaningless shithole of a universe with the same mental problems, or failing and ending up a vegetable. I ordered SN and it should be here Wednesday, and the antiemetics are coming in the next two weeks. I wish I had money for N but I havent worked in over a month and honestly dont have the will to get another job and save up for it. ugh

Well I know it doesn't mean much but I'd be your friend. I don't have anyone either.

 

[Saga]

Same here,this forum although I've only been active for a couple of days, browsing here has given me a lot, I can say as I feel without feeling bad about it,without feeling guilty of the emotions I show..the outside world is too hard,What I mean is I was never free of stating what I really felt.