permanently tired
it's never enough
- Nov 8, 2023
- 268
To preface, my mother has been reflecting on the role she played in the person I've become. She's tries to reach out and "understand" me, but is quite literally incapable of thinking outside of society's indoctrination. Honestly, she's dead to me and has been for while. It's funny to think of my splitting and all the times I idealized her for the easiest shit. Then we proceeded to fight and my opinion of her would go into the gutter. She always told me I should be grateful for the little things and while I concur it just seems like I was gaslit into feeling like I owed her. In an outburst this morning I gave her an ultimatum: either she dies or I will. The reason being she is well aware of my animosity towards her and likes to play mediator telling me she'll go to another room and that I can just ignore her. I told her, I cannot stand knowing she's alive and unpunished for what she put me through. I'm tired of her playing innocent and telling me all I need to do is change my mentality. Well, her mask broke today and she cried. Idgaf, I'm going to spend every waking moment making her suffer. Ofc the thought lingers in the back of my mind whether I should give her chance, but what happened will never change so why would I. It makes me chuckle to know I was right, in a fight years ago I told her I would return all that she made me feel. What goes around comes around mom 
