Imaginos
Full-time layabout
- Apr 7, 2018
- 638
It was an exceptionally awful night, precluded by a couple weeks of excessively irregular sleeping patterns. My sleeping is usually pretty irregular, but especially for this past week I've just been napping like crazy and am basically waking up and going to sleep at all hours of the day/night. Well, after getting up from yet another nap and not being able to force myself back to sleep, the idea popped into my head to actually just go for a walk. I'd reached an absolute breaking point of nauseous horror when it came to indulging in anything else I could think of to pass the time, like watching a movie or playing a game, so I thought, maybe just this once, I'll try going for a walk.
It helped that it was the middle of the night and far too cold for anyone else to want to go wandering around in. Still took me over an hour to psych myself up to the point I could manage to get myself dressed and ready to head out the door, which I guess isn't too bad all things considered. I had only intended to go for just a short distance, but ultimately I managed to walk down a nearby street for a couple blocks and through an empty park before turning around and heading back home. Overall I didn't feel too much anxiety, aside from one brief moment where this guy was coming out of his house and his dog was barking at me from across the street, and I never physically crossed paths with another soul the whole time, but by the time I was about to turn back I was starting to panic a little on account of the distance and just wanted to get home as fast as possible. I also should've worn a different pair of shoes, because I've got a blister now, which itself made walking back home a little difficult, on top of the fact that I'm out of shape and was starting to get pretty out of breath.
As it is, I have no idea whether or not I'll ever go another walk, but I'll give this small success of mine credit enough for having been something different for me, as opposed to just going back to sleep or effectively staring at ceiling for what feels like hours on end. I had a 1001 reasons to convince myself why going for a walk was a useless waste of time that wouldn't accomplish anything, and how that even if I went I'd just end up laying right back on the couch exactly where I started. And as much as that's mostly true, it did manage to help me feel a teensy bit better and also take my mind off things for a brief time, but you might just be able to chalk that up to the novelty of it. Would I feel the same after my 20th walk for instance? Hard to say, but I doubt it. In my case though, being outside brings with it palpable sensations of derealization. As if I'm walking through a bizarre/incomprehensible landscape of some kind where I don't belong, and will never be able to belong. I guess that's to be expected for a guy who never leaves the house, but I've pretty much felt this way my whole life, which is itself part of the reason why I'm as isolated as I am.
As opposed to what one might think, just because I went on one walk doesn't make the idea of subsequent walks any easier to envision doing. After all, tonight's walk might've been without incident, but what about the next time? My mind overwhelms me with warnings that it's simply too much of a risk, and I shouldn't push my luck. It was an emergency measure to go for a sudden walk like this, but it'll always be far safer for me to remain indoors. Either way, it's inevitable to just end up laying right back on the couch, and even now that's pretty much all I'm left with.
It helped that it was the middle of the night and far too cold for anyone else to want to go wandering around in. Still took me over an hour to psych myself up to the point I could manage to get myself dressed and ready to head out the door, which I guess isn't too bad all things considered. I had only intended to go for just a short distance, but ultimately I managed to walk down a nearby street for a couple blocks and through an empty park before turning around and heading back home. Overall I didn't feel too much anxiety, aside from one brief moment where this guy was coming out of his house and his dog was barking at me from across the street, and I never physically crossed paths with another soul the whole time, but by the time I was about to turn back I was starting to panic a little on account of the distance and just wanted to get home as fast as possible. I also should've worn a different pair of shoes, because I've got a blister now, which itself made walking back home a little difficult, on top of the fact that I'm out of shape and was starting to get pretty out of breath.
As it is, I have no idea whether or not I'll ever go another walk, but I'll give this small success of mine credit enough for having been something different for me, as opposed to just going back to sleep or effectively staring at ceiling for what feels like hours on end. I had a 1001 reasons to convince myself why going for a walk was a useless waste of time that wouldn't accomplish anything, and how that even if I went I'd just end up laying right back on the couch exactly where I started. And as much as that's mostly true, it did manage to help me feel a teensy bit better and also take my mind off things for a brief time, but you might just be able to chalk that up to the novelty of it. Would I feel the same after my 20th walk for instance? Hard to say, but I doubt it. In my case though, being outside brings with it palpable sensations of derealization. As if I'm walking through a bizarre/incomprehensible landscape of some kind where I don't belong, and will never be able to belong. I guess that's to be expected for a guy who never leaves the house, but I've pretty much felt this way my whole life, which is itself part of the reason why I'm as isolated as I am.
As opposed to what one might think, just because I went on one walk doesn't make the idea of subsequent walks any easier to envision doing. After all, tonight's walk might've been without incident, but what about the next time? My mind overwhelms me with warnings that it's simply too much of a risk, and I shouldn't push my luck. It was an emergency measure to go for a sudden walk like this, but it'll always be far safer for me to remain indoors. Either way, it's inevitable to just end up laying right back on the couch, and even now that's pretty much all I'm left with.
