Hi, I'm new here. To sum things up, I'm feeling like I'm truly at the end of my rope, and I'll get into that. I guess that I'm wanting to talk out some feelings and ideas. I likely won't covey my thoughts perfectly and I'm not going to be super active to responding, more intermittent. Anyways, I'll get on with it.
I've lived for, what I deem long enough to understand my decision and fully concede to the ramifications. I've had a very traumatic life. To me, constant stress, pain, agony, and more piles of trauma thrown at me. I have copious amounts of childhood trauma (likely won't get into this much), diagnosed PTSD, an anxiety disorder, and I'm bipolar. I'll delve into these as I go on and my more recent trauma. All of that summing up to, that in my current state, I can't imagine a future any more. I can't picture a world I want to live in any more. I honestly do think I want to "CTB" and part of me hates to say it, the other loves saying it and longing for release.
I'm a very "different" person, opposed to the "normal," whatever that is. And I say all of this knowing I likely won't find anyone in agreement with my morals. I define myself as a Christian, nothing specific. I do believe in living a life closely resembling that of Jesus. That being said, even before I became a Christian I held most of these values. I'm abstinant. No drugs, alcohol, fervent hookups or sex. I'm a very kind, mild, and presumably boring person. I live every day in a constant agonizing stress and I crumble under the traumas of my past and present. Therapy has done no good, for a while, my "crazy meds" (ceroquil for my bipolar disorder. I think it's funny to call em that) only do so much for me, and even hanging out with the increasingly small few of friends I have just truthfully, logically (to me anyways) makes me feel that this decision is the right one. I truthfully don't see a life for me any more.
I guess I'll start with my recently deprecated relationship and the situation leading up to it. I moved from my home state because my PTSD had gotten bad enough I'd have panic attacks just walking my dog. Back then I though I was going to end things, but now I know it more than I ever had. That trauma stems from being abused in a 5yr relationship. Shit sucked /: . So, I moved states and moved in with my mother and my grandmother, whom was in hospice. Blah blah, I find out that my mother was stealing her opiods and pain killers and abusing my grandmother. So that was a good start. Grandma ends up dying, I'm forced to move into a new place with my mother due to my financial standings. This starts off relatively fine. Now, during this time period, I began to have small, scared, romantic feelings for a woman I worked with. And, well, we got together for what was the best point I've had in my existence. Things start off as just fun (there were some traumatic events for me though). But now, at this point, things with my "mother" got too horrid. She basically turned our place into a drug den. She began doing cocaine and I have horrid memories of her getting hammered and just wailing on my bedroom door to get to me. I remember balling up in my closet and literally crying myself to sleep. We'll, thankfully, as if from god, my gf had a place I could stay, that being with her friends. This led to the remaining best parts of my life. I began to really develop myself as a person, got my financed fixed, finally had a goal for my future, was so excited to get married and whatnot. We bought rings, we planned for our future, blah blah. She even told her parents she planned to marry me, and from her family that was a HUGE deal. It really meant a lot. Well, despite all of this, she has recently left me (about a month ago now. Just 1.5months ago she told her parents about marriage). Her reasoning for the separation being she just doesn't want to be in a relationship with "anyone" any more. Ig I was just emotionally too much..and it hurts to know that I hurt her like this. She still says she "loves me" just lot romantically any more. But I digress.
[There are so many specifics to all of my story that I just don't have time to get into rn]
So, what does my life look like now? Well, the only family I have left is my identical twin brother, whom I love deeply. Other than that, two friends. I care about them, but at this point it's really just superficial friendship. No family, no one anymore. I guess there was a lot of pressure on my ex gf. ): which hurts to know I hurt her by being too much to handle, emotionally. Now, I have a deadline to move out, but where I live, the cost of living is too high to live alone, an living with my brother is out of the question for a number of reasons. I work a dead end sales job. I've been trying to make a career in trades, but to no avail. I never had the chance to go to college, I don't know any skills, I'm a nothing and a no one. Every time something good comes in my like, 3 things are taken away or turned into trauma. But, realistically, I look at the forecast for my existence, and I just...don't see it any more. Any future is just a vage smearing of what was once hope. Any characters in said future are just painted over the grandure that once was. There is tremendous pain every day I breath, and I don't want it to continue. Like I said, therapy hasn't don't squat either and the meds inly go so far. And before anyone talks about it, I am thinking clearly, and I know I am. I feel more at peace and relaxed than I ever have and my stress charts (tracked from my smartwatch) show that to be true. In addition, my meds are having their intended effect so I know I'm not manic or anything. I've been sitting on this a while and I'm almost certain I want to "CTB." I've even written a goodbye note and whatnot.
I suppose all of this to say I'd like to talk with some people here. The only road block I have now is what this will do to my twin. That hurts the most. Idc what this does to the other few people that know me superficially and quite honestly I look forward to whatever this does to my ex in some morbid way, I suppose. (I'm not entirely sure why and I know that is a horrific thing to say. But it's integral to me to NEVER lie, and I feel as though it should be voiced).
How can I address and overcome this block?
Also, I'd been looking into some kind of hanging, but I'm not too sure what yet. I'm a little confused on some aspects of them still. I'd looked at partial suspension and I saw another method with bean bags and a ratchet strap. I just want something easy and effective. Honestly, if excruciating pain and strangling issues from this method, it's preferable to another 40 years on this rock. (And I do believe God will forgive me, to any other Christians here. It is said that he will always love and accept his children, and I do believe in God. I just need to articulate to him why I don't want to carry out his "plan" for my existence. I believe I've made peace with this aspect).
I suppose I should make a tldr?
TL;DR
I have copious amounts of trauma, diagnosed PTSD, and I'm bipolar. I've been through a tremendous amount of shit and I want to catch the bus at this point.
-how do I overcome the last hurdel of hurting my brother with my death?
-I suppose I'd like some more info in hangings? Just whatever is easiest with this method(s).
-Just chatting for a bit too (though I'm about to sleep and I'm bad at keeping tabs [I'll be heavily delayed to respond])
Sorry that this is such a long post. There's even still too much to talk about in this, and like I said, words are everywhere and I likely did a crude job at explaining myself.
Off to bed, for now. Thank you all.
-Iste Res
I've lived for, what I deem long enough to understand my decision and fully concede to the ramifications. I've had a very traumatic life. To me, constant stress, pain, agony, and more piles of trauma thrown at me. I have copious amounts of childhood trauma (likely won't get into this much), diagnosed PTSD, an anxiety disorder, and I'm bipolar. I'll delve into these as I go on and my more recent trauma. All of that summing up to, that in my current state, I can't imagine a future any more. I can't picture a world I want to live in any more. I honestly do think I want to "CTB" and part of me hates to say it, the other loves saying it and longing for release.
I'm a very "different" person, opposed to the "normal," whatever that is. And I say all of this knowing I likely won't find anyone in agreement with my morals. I define myself as a Christian, nothing specific. I do believe in living a life closely resembling that of Jesus. That being said, even before I became a Christian I held most of these values. I'm abstinant. No drugs, alcohol, fervent hookups or sex. I'm a very kind, mild, and presumably boring person. I live every day in a constant agonizing stress and I crumble under the traumas of my past and present. Therapy has done no good, for a while, my "crazy meds" (ceroquil for my bipolar disorder. I think it's funny to call em that) only do so much for me, and even hanging out with the increasingly small few of friends I have just truthfully, logically (to me anyways) makes me feel that this decision is the right one. I truthfully don't see a life for me any more.
I guess I'll start with my recently deprecated relationship and the situation leading up to it. I moved from my home state because my PTSD had gotten bad enough I'd have panic attacks just walking my dog. Back then I though I was going to end things, but now I know it more than I ever had. That trauma stems from being abused in a 5yr relationship. Shit sucked /: . So, I moved states and moved in with my mother and my grandmother, whom was in hospice. Blah blah, I find out that my mother was stealing her opiods and pain killers and abusing my grandmother. So that was a good start. Grandma ends up dying, I'm forced to move into a new place with my mother due to my financial standings. This starts off relatively fine. Now, during this time period, I began to have small, scared, romantic feelings for a woman I worked with. And, well, we got together for what was the best point I've had in my existence. Things start off as just fun (there were some traumatic events for me though). But now, at this point, things with my "mother" got too horrid. She basically turned our place into a drug den. She began doing cocaine and I have horrid memories of her getting hammered and just wailing on my bedroom door to get to me. I remember balling up in my closet and literally crying myself to sleep. We'll, thankfully, as if from god, my gf had a place I could stay, that being with her friends. This led to the remaining best parts of my life. I began to really develop myself as a person, got my financed fixed, finally had a goal for my future, was so excited to get married and whatnot. We bought rings, we planned for our future, blah blah. She even told her parents she planned to marry me, and from her family that was a HUGE deal. It really meant a lot. Well, despite all of this, she has recently left me (about a month ago now. Just 1.5months ago she told her parents about marriage). Her reasoning for the separation being she just doesn't want to be in a relationship with "anyone" any more. Ig I was just emotionally too much..and it hurts to know that I hurt her like this. She still says she "loves me" just lot romantically any more. But I digress.
[There are so many specifics to all of my story that I just don't have time to get into rn]
So, what does my life look like now? Well, the only family I have left is my identical twin brother, whom I love deeply. Other than that, two friends. I care about them, but at this point it's really just superficial friendship. No family, no one anymore. I guess there was a lot of pressure on my ex gf. ): which hurts to know I hurt her by being too much to handle, emotionally. Now, I have a deadline to move out, but where I live, the cost of living is too high to live alone, an living with my brother is out of the question for a number of reasons. I work a dead end sales job. I've been trying to make a career in trades, but to no avail. I never had the chance to go to college, I don't know any skills, I'm a nothing and a no one. Every time something good comes in my like, 3 things are taken away or turned into trauma. But, realistically, I look at the forecast for my existence, and I just...don't see it any more. Any future is just a vage smearing of what was once hope. Any characters in said future are just painted over the grandure that once was. There is tremendous pain every day I breath, and I don't want it to continue. Like I said, therapy hasn't don't squat either and the meds inly go so far. And before anyone talks about it, I am thinking clearly, and I know I am. I feel more at peace and relaxed than I ever have and my stress charts (tracked from my smartwatch) show that to be true. In addition, my meds are having their intended effect so I know I'm not manic or anything. I've been sitting on this a while and I'm almost certain I want to "CTB." I've even written a goodbye note and whatnot.
I suppose all of this to say I'd like to talk with some people here. The only road block I have now is what this will do to my twin. That hurts the most. Idc what this does to the other few people that know me superficially and quite honestly I look forward to whatever this does to my ex in some morbid way, I suppose. (I'm not entirely sure why and I know that is a horrific thing to say. But it's integral to me to NEVER lie, and I feel as though it should be voiced).
How can I address and overcome this block?
Also, I'd been looking into some kind of hanging, but I'm not too sure what yet. I'm a little confused on some aspects of them still. I'd looked at partial suspension and I saw another method with bean bags and a ratchet strap. I just want something easy and effective. Honestly, if excruciating pain and strangling issues from this method, it's preferable to another 40 years on this rock. (And I do believe God will forgive me, to any other Christians here. It is said that he will always love and accept his children, and I do believe in God. I just need to articulate to him why I don't want to carry out his "plan" for my existence. I believe I've made peace with this aspect).
I suppose I should make a tldr?
TL;DR
I have copious amounts of trauma, diagnosed PTSD, and I'm bipolar. I've been through a tremendous amount of shit and I want to catch the bus at this point.
-how do I overcome the last hurdel of hurting my brother with my death?
-I suppose I'd like some more info in hangings? Just whatever is easiest with this method(s).
-Just chatting for a bit too (though I'm about to sleep and I'm bad at keeping tabs [I'll be heavily delayed to respond])
Sorry that this is such a long post. There's even still too much to talk about in this, and like I said, words are everywhere and I likely did a crude job at explaining myself.
Off to bed, for now. Thank you all.
-Iste Res
